Pain....

I wake up in pain.....I go to bed in pain....but at least I wake up and can sleep in a comfy bed. Pain has become a part of my life and that just where I am right now. The pain meds ease the discomfort temporarily and I keep telling myself that the discomfort is truly temporary....I will be glad when I do not need to fill another prescription, but for now I do so because I see the value in pain modification, not because I want to pop the pills that make me giggle in my sleep and have freaky dreams.....but because they really do help me with pain....

I started to get back on track with my schedule today. Hubby did laundry before he left this morning and then I folded it....kids can put away. Drove kids to school and tried to miss as many potholes as I could. I never noticed that we had so many potholes till it hurt to roll over one....
Each day I get stronger and am diligent in my recovery. I have decided to give myself a daily spiritual check up in order to discover and demonstrate how my life should be lead. I am sure to fall by the waste side but at least I try!!

I have this feeling that a storm is brewing.....possibly with the Christians I spoke about earlier in my blog or it could be the weather...at any rate I need to be ready. I need to be physically ready. I am already there mentally, but I need the whole package in order to rebuke the devil and show him that he is a liar!! hahaha.....funny thing about some Christians they don't think that they need to show humility and kindness. Sometimes we get caught up in a whirlwind of things in our lives and forget that part of being human....it amazes me....

Titus 3:2 tell us that humility should be shown to all and Colossians 3:12 tells us to cover ourselves with kindness. So why are we so mean to one another? I know I have had my fair share of meanness, but now that I am in a position of limited physical activity it has caused me to reflect. How I have treated people and how people have treated me. Some of the bad people I have let into my life have done things to me because they feel bad about themselves...they need to read Scripture or at least a good Stephen King book to find out what happens to mean people....even the mean things I have done to others has not come without provocation....I'm not justifying....I'm just sayin' I don't start it.....

So I will take it easy for the rest of the day, take mom to the airport, pick up the kids and rest some more.....taking it one moment at a time.....saving my life.....

Newness.......

Today was a great day. I go to the plastic surgeon and he takes my drainage tubes out!!! ....it didn't hurt just a little pinch. He tells me I can drive, good thing to 'cause I swear my hubby seeks out every pothole to hit:) and he said I could do light housework, so the 12 lbs of laundry that has piled up can be done and can lift nothing bigger than a phone book. Cool, I can manage that. The major thing was the ability to be able to take a shower! I have been taking tweety bird baths given by my hubby, and although a soapy loofah a hubby puts between your butt cheeks might sound tantalizing......you cannot substitute a good 'ole fashioned self- inflicted ass washing!! I was doing the happy dance all over that table, all the while trying to stay cool, didn't want to offend the doc and my mom with my funky underarms....My arm range is good and physical therapy won't be necessary either.....GOD is truly good.:)

My mom leaves Monday and my hubby is doing a temp job Monday so freedom is on the horizon:) But not for long...Kevin's sister is coming and I will be back on lockdown...:(

So I decided I am on a new journey....recovery, renewal and reclamation!
The recovery is still a process. The tubes are out but I still need to rest....I will have some oozing so I need to careful when doing that laundry....gotta get over my pet peeves....I still have pain and swelling, so rest is still necessary.

The renewal will start in a couple of weeks when my tissue expander's will begin the saline fill. It's gonna be like going to the gas tank once a week....

The reclamation will come after the second surgery and this is all behind me....

So I will continue my obedience and diligence toward this journey. Diligence to me is pressing toward the mark of looking at the finish line and seeing what the reward will be....in my case recovery, renewal and reclamation! I have several "mothers" helping me through this journey and Mama Sharon gave me Acts 27, specifically verse 27. For anybody going through it right now...and I know who you are 'cause ya call and tell me....HB, LB, QD, KS (don't wanna use real names, I'm not that crazy) for starters.....read this chapter.....The message is clear and simple: Perseverance and diligence will bring you through the storm.....that's how my life was SAVED....

Suffering....

The past few days some people in my life have experienced suffering. One relative lost a child and a dear friend who is separating from her husband also lost her grandmother. It's the ebb and flow of life as I have said before. It's part of the circle of life that Mufasa and Simba sing about.....
In the same universe our friends Dena and Jason welcomed a beautiful baby girl . From what we were told it was a long hard labor but the suffering was temporary.

That's how I feel today. My suffering is temporary. The swelling and pain will not be forever and when I read 2 Corinthians 12:10 it made sense. Scripture not only explains suffering as something that is temporary but also teaches me how to respond to it. So why haven't I been listening? Hard-headed, still yearning for that control I suppose....No one can choose to avoid suffering for it is a part of life. I was told to read Job, for his examples of suffering are inspiring.

I'm going a little crazy being cooped up in the house....I'm past cabin fever...I feel like a caged animal. I did work yesterday though, yes....I said work....but hubby drove, carried my books and stayed till I was done. It took me longer to do my hair, makeup and get dressed than it did for me to teach!! Hahaha.....

I wore my fiber filled boobies for the first time outside of the house....they fit snugly into my camisole and a denim dress hid any spots of suspicion.........they were a bit intricate to maneuver, I didn't know which part was supposed to be the nipple so I winged it. I got the thumbs up from my 6 year old that they were on correctly, pointing in the right direction and looked "almost" real. She said they were softer than real ones and would work for now. If you want the truth ask someone under 8 or over 80 is my philosophy. My 6 yr old also told me to wear a sweater so that in case one fell out or got lopsided I could cover myself and run to the restroom....lucky for me no mishaps and if my students could tell, they didn't let on.......I will work on being comfortable with my confinement and confidence for I know it's SAVING MY LIFE.......

Rest...

is a powerful tool. The past few days of complete rest has allowed me to reflect, sleep, watch mindless TV and even do some reading. I have talked about being still and must take my own advice. The path to victory is not always an easy road to travel. It takes discipline and self-control. I seem to have these elements in other areas of my life, like school for instance. With only a couple of weeks left in my course I have a 98%. Now that's perseverance!! hahaha....or I'm crazy....none-the-less rest has allowed me to focus on more important things than the laundry. Speaking of which....the upkeep of my house has been pretty good. Even when I have been unhappy about something out of place my mom and Kev just tell me to shut up and sit down....very humbling to say the least....because I never shut up and all I can do is sit down....

My breast surgeon called yesterday and gave me an early Christmas present. He said that all of the diseased tissue was taken, blood work looked excellent and lymph nodes were clear. I feel like had I not caught this when I did my results would be very different. EARLY DETECTION SAVES LIVES!!!

My weird dreams are back, probably because I have been taking the meds properly and consistently. Up until last night I was naked in all of my dreams....one where I was at the circus in the ring of fire...just naked and giggling....I looked like a damn fool. Last night I was back at the circus but had all my clothes on. Kevin said I was giggling in my sleep....probably because I was happy to stop exposing myself....

The many acts of kindness extended to my family has been overwhelming....my friend Jan not only sent me some goodies, like a Coach scarf, but the kids and Kevin as well. Efrem for sending a package, Paige for foot and hand massages....Pearl cursing me out for not taking better care of myself(she only cusses at people she loves)....Jimmy for sending the most delicious gourmet cookies my palate has ever experienced and Margaret for taking my son to choir. There are many others but the point about kindness directs me to Colossians 3:12, Matthew 7:12 and 19:19. Scripture tells us to be kind to others but the actual acts of kindness remind me that people are pure, sincere and truly want to help. When I am faced with negativity from nosy, trifling, inconsequential people, I am doubly reminded that the people that I have allowed in my life are not like that and I am grateful. Kindness is a strength within the kingdom of GOD that allows us to do for others and by following Jesus' footsteps we can continue to love others. I cannot wait until I can be of service once again to others, showing my kindness and....SAVING ANOTHER LIFE.....

I've had a.....

setback. Life has many curve balls, some you see some coming, you don't. Last night I was taken to the emergency room for breathing difficulty and cramps. Bottom line is this. I need to slow down. I need to take the pain meds, eat what I am told and shut up. The most difficult part for me is shutting up:)
The past few days I have not taken many pain meds, trying to work through it and what has happened is, my body is chasing the pain. I have not been drinking enough water and have had way too much company. I love people coming to see me, but I should have gone to sleep and let them watch me. Instead I did not take my meds and and was a part of the action. So my body said, okay chick I have something for you....boom can't breathe....can't focus....so now I am obedient. Obedient to my mom, husband, children and the Holy Spirit who are telling my body to rest....so from this day forward I am taking a more active role in SAVING MY LIFE......

Triumph.....

Wow, anesthesia is a b***h....hahaha....I am upright but not uptight so I thought I would write a little today. I have so much to tell. Tuesday is partly a blur but here it goes....
I got to the hospital promptly at 7:33 and was taken to the registration desk. The older gentleman that signed me in wasn't rude but he wasn't particularly inviting either. Very business like, no side conversation, just a question here and sign there....okay I can deal with that. He told me my outrageous copay and did not offer a payment arrangement. So, with a steady hand and straight face I wrote a check.....they should be calling any day now....*wink**wink*.......I called my friends Elisa and Dena and then called by the same nurse I had for my lumpectomy....deja vous huh....to a room where my breast surgeon would inject radiation to guide him to any lymph nodes near one of the sites in question. She and I talked about her trip to Maui, her dad's passion for hangliding and my disregard for stupid people. My doc injected me and off I went to wait with the other 12 or so women waiting for surgery. Some were alone, others were with spouses and some with friends or other family members. I felt special, I had my husband AND mom with me. My kids were with Auntie Lynnie (AKA, my sorority sister) at the science museum. They wanted to be there when I woke up, didn't want to go to school and I wasn't going to make them.
So then nurse Carla (I asked her if I could use her name) comes in....she's the same nurse I had for my lumpectomy and I'm like....is this the twilight zone? Anyway, she takes vitals, asks questions...blah, blah blah and offers me a Valium cocktail....I took it faster than a cat could lick his butt and then went to sleep. When I awoke, it was noon.....WHAT??? I thought I was going into surgery @ 11:30??? Then it made sense, the Valium was to shut me up so I would not go off about the delay....it's a racket I tell ya.....so promptly @ 12:30 a short man walks in and I immediately recognize him as my anesthesiologist....you guessed it....same one from last time....I apologized for not paying him the 56 bucks I owe him and Carla said....just wait till ya get this bill:) I kissed my mom and hubby and off I went.....
I woke around 4 something to see my kids, mom, hubby and Auntie Lynnie in my room. My throat was sore and I could not focus....my stomach was okay but my legs were itchy.........as far as I could tell I didn't pee or poop on myself and I was wrapped tighter than King Tut...but I was ALIVE!!!!
I was given hugs and kisses, there were flowers and cards, and I was ALIVE!!! My kids only stayed for a little while the 2 youngest ones had a hard time seeing mommy on an IV and in bed. They were comforted by grandma and Lynne when they got home and took their butts to school the next day:)
My hubby stayed with me. He was tired, relieved and hungry. That did not stop him from taking me to the bathroom, cleaning me up, and walking with me at 12:30 at night. He fluffed my pillows, made me sip broth and let me in on a secret...he hates the word doo doo. I guess that's 2 words.....
I spoke with his sisters and mother early the next morning and thanked them....for they had a hand in raising such an amazing individual. Some men would have bailed back in October when we started this journey but not my Kevin....he is steadfast in his commitment to me and is a REAL man.....like us all, he doesn't always live his life in imitation of Christ, but he tries. He was confident that I would come through this surgery....just like a good athlete, you can predict the outcome before the game is over:) He has shown me that real love is when the chips are down and you are there picking them up is what matters.....we have become a stronger couple and family because of this. Now don't get it twisted, he will someday be annoying and worrisome but right now, I'm enjoying him as he is...
My plan and purpose has moved to triumph. As a believer I have an advantage in this game we call life. The current culture and community sometimes focuses on frivolous ideals and insignificant activities. Take for instance my kids school. The community is in turmoil, shambles if you will, but that's because some people have lost focus. Some people think they are in "charge"....hahahaha....I am living proof that GOD is ALWAYS in charge!!! They are fools if they think they can dismiss Scripture and the tradition of the church....any church....I'm tired and cramping now so I leave with this.....
2 Corinthians 2:14 tells us GOD leads us triumph....and this has SAVED MY LIFE.....

Strength....

We sometimes take this word for granted to mean we ourselves must have strength, but sometimes you have to lean on those closest to you. The last 2 days have been filled with laughter, good friends, good food and strong family bonds. My conversations have been insightful, funny, intense and down right knee slapping, crying, gut hurting hilarious.....everything from world politics to Disney characters:) We had a bye bye booby dinner last night where I was the guest of honor:) My peace is still in the eye of the hurricane.....

Right now, my strength is powered courageously by the gift of faith. In all of my prayers I use it as a tool to give glory to GOD....and so he knows I am listening:) We all have a plan and purpose and I truly believe after my surgery at 11:30 am Phoenix time and in recovery, my NEW plan and purpose will be revealed to me or will that be the morphine? I don't know why I just do.....or it could be the fried zucchini I ate last night...... faith also keeps the goal of salvation in focus for me....even with all of the worldly distractions, faith gives me confidence in things unseen and hope that my recovery will be limited.....I have too much hell and too many kids to raise!!

I have been trying to figure out (still) why me and why not me and why every woman and me.....but the reality is I am doing what I am supposed to be doing. I am where I am supposed to be. I heard Anita Baker sing a song or chorus line part...."Do what he sent you to do".....I have to get her new CD.....hhmmmm trip alone to Wally world sounds good today..... anywho.... yes....I am where I belong. I am supposed to be going through this in order to receive a blessing. Ya see, there hasn't been too many "shocking" things that have happened in my life. A few here and there but nothing like this....so I'm scared, anxious, still mad at cancer.....and will fight tooth and nail now to be instrumental in finding a cure.....but I am where I am to be and will do what he sent me to do.......I believe March 17th will be the day I receive a gift and in turn I need to find a way to give a gift....it won't be monetary ya know I'm broke....hahahaha....but that's what is on my heart right now.....

Does anyone know if my morphine drip will be green? Then I guess I will pee green too huh?....hahahaha....I crack me up, just a little Irish humor......My mom will be here tomorrow, she will need just as much morphine as I will....having a child in pain is no fun. My baby girl had a tummy ache last night probably from all of the pizza, soda and whatever else she ate while we weren't looking and it broke my heart....I can only imagine what my mom is feeling....maybe she will tell me and then I will share it.....

Well, I will be offline for a while, I have to save my Internet strength to do schoolwork, but I will have someone give you all an update....call me if you have the number....if I don't answer ~ don't take it personal....)

I will be writing a new chapter in my book of life....living my own story....not daring to imitate someone else's.....using this experience as an impetus to create the life I want.....it will be faith filled, hope guided.....and all the while.....SAVING MY LIFE.....

Language....

My grandfather used to say....watch the toes you step on today, they may be connected to the ass you have to kiss tomorrow....I watch my words when talking to people and I always have a high expectation that people will do the same. Not so. I always try to tell people exactly what I want them to know because this cuts down on confusion....its just the way I was bred I guess. I saw my oldest son do an amazing job at a reading in church today and a woman who shall remain nameless to protect the village of idiots she emerged from asked me "why are you choosing this?, why not try and save your breasts?" I wanted to say...."oh hell I don't know, just felt like getting my tities cut off on St. Patty's Day".....dumb ass.....wth?? My friends Diane and Kelly who both went through this told me this would happen. I vividly remember Kelly saying in Starbucks....people will say dumb things because they don't know what to say....well I am asking all of those people.....shut the hell up. Do not take for granted that everyone will know how incredibly stupid you are and treat you like the idiot you deserve to be treated like. It's best for all concerned if you just say nothing.

So I simply replied, "my children are my greatest love not my boobs." I then gave her the blog address and wished her and her family well. I hope she reads this....and shuts the hell up.

Okay, I talked to my doctor cousin's husband who is also a doctor which makes him my doctor cousin husband cousin-in-law...hahaha.... and he has read all of my pathology reports and recommendations. He has done several rounds of oncology training and I just wanted a second pair of eyes on my paperwork. He stated that my cell type if left untreated would have manifested into an aggressive type of cancer which is surely fatal. This confirmed my gut decision that I was doing the right thing and ready to move forward....what disturbed me was that my doctor did not use the same language. My hubby stated that he used similar language but I needed to hear the words "if left untreated" and "aggressive." There again the words and language we choose will have an effect on the people receiving the message. I put a call into him and was ready to cuss him out but by the time he called back I wasn't mad anymore so I just said never mind....

I cannot stress the importance of early detection. Get your check ups, make sure if you are not feeling well you need to go see a doctor and don't let up until that little voice in your head says your o.k. Now this is not to be confused with the other little voices....hahahaha....

My friend Annitra is doing a 5K run for cancer research this weekend in Wilmington, NC in honor of me:) I miss her terribly and her husband will return from Iraq this month after a 1 year tour and she still found time to think about me.....just like my friend Dena making my youngest son her special blueberry bread simply because he asked or my friends taking me to lunch today to make me laugh, or my Soror Lynne coming to help out next week and of course my mom coming for however long I need her, or Kevin's sister coming for a week to also help out, or the many mom's praying for me and ....just thinking about me is overwhelming and I will stop here to simply say, thank you for being a part of my life and SAVING MY LIFE....

Could not have said it better myself

So I went to my surgeon on Monday and he told me to get some rest....hahahaha....I told him, no YOU get some rest, eat a good breakfast, exercise to release some endorphins and raise your serotonin levels....do not have an argument with your wife Tuesday morning and no road rage on your way to work. You see doctors tell us what to do all the time. We need to start telling them what to do......

Today I received an email from one of my sorority sisters (Sheila)....she was the President of my college chapter and my Nemesis:) We became sorors in 1987 and I love her dearly. Here it goes.....
This is not about me. (you may not think so, but keep reading)
This is about you.
I miss talking to you.
The texting and talking in between all the activities of our busy life.
But (yes here is the but).
I'm frustrated because of EVERYTHING.
I'm sad because I can't fix it.
I'm confused as to why.
I'm speechless, (yea me), because I don't know what to say or how to say it.
I'm in need of comfort but I don't know how to make it better.
I don't know how to enter a *(#)(*% blog on OUR website. (computer illiterate)
What I do know is
That I have FAITH in GOD, I TRUST GOD, I LOVE GOD and I LOVE YOU.
I do know that trials and tribulations come and grow and go and with the prayer chain you have, ALL of the HUNLEYS will be better than okay.
I know from my own different experiences and from what I've learned that this period in your life is a "cleansing" stop on the Interstate to GOD'S beautiful blessings.
I know GOD tests us to make us stronger, to see if we run from him instead of to him.
I know you and all the crew are running towards him full speed ahead.
I don't know how you feel but I've been reading the blog to stay connected to you and to learn and to understand.
I've told you this before and I'll repeat it again "I ADMIRE YOUR STRENGTH".
You have armed yourself with plenty of knowledgeable information to tackle all problems.
I do pray for you and I have prayed for the spouse and my children and your parents, in-laws, (e'ry body).
I have learned thru my pastor not just to pray for the situation you are going thru at the present but to pray for VICTORY in Jesus' name.
To specifically pray for the result we all want to see. . . .. full recovery and yes. . . . . . . P P B (pretty perky boobs)!
Until the next time. . . . . smooches sistah Kimmie . . ..

and this my friends is SAVING MY LIFE....

Today I am having an issue with....

Trust. I think I need to stop eating late at night (my coping tool right now, don't tell me this bad my fat ass already knows)because I have weird dreams and they are affecting my psyche during the day if I can remember the dream. For instance, last night my hubby and I had big bowls of vanilla ice cream(sugar free) and loads of caramel(not sugar free). What I can remember about my dream was that I was being carried into the operating room riding a camel wearing only some bright yellow rubber ducky boots! If there are any dream interpreters out there please share what this means:) This could be some freaky interpretation of fear or it could mean put the spoon down before 7pm.....

Trust, like faith is an incredible thing to posses. I should have trusted my hubby to tell me to put the spoon and bowl down but he finished what I didn't eat, so I hope I can trust him to help me take off old and new pounds after my surgery:) I trust a good pair of leather shoes, but can I trust my surgeons? I trust any book written by Cornell West to give it to me straight and tell me what I need to be doing to make my community a better place but can I trust the anesthesiologist to get the right dose of medicine correct? I know better than to completely trust any politician but can I trust the nurses to empty my fluid tubes and change my dressings? Ugghh....am I paranoid? Probably, but it's where I am right now. Trust is an issue for me.....

Some people have asked me where did I get the name for my blog. One friend stated it was "bold." Hmmm, not sure about bold but here's where it comes from: After my merry go round of mammograms and doctor appointments with my boobs exposed, my final meeting with my breast surgeon as well as the plastic surgeon both came up with similar results as to why a mastectomy, single or plural was the very last resort....to save the breast for pleasure reasons. WHAT??? are they kidding me? Is that the only reason? Did you pay a bunch of money in medical school to be able to spew that s**t to women? My breasts were used to feed my children for a total of 24 months between all three....hence the sagging.....and as far as I am concerned they have fulfilled their mission. I was attached to my 21 years old boobs....not these 42 year old puppies.

If the goal was to preserve them for pleasure reasons then should I have been asked where my pleasure is derived from? Here we go with trust again. I trust the doctors to be straight with me and ask me pertinent questions. I am not paying them to think for me. So, I simply stated, thus the title of my blog......Damn the Breast, SAVE MY LIFE.....

Humility....

After almost missing my conference call with my writer's group due to daylight savings time, which AZ does not recognize, my day was good........ informative, bizarre, sad, enlightening, and fulfilling, but above all else humbling. My hubby and I trekked to the other side of town to Scottsdale Healthcare to the Virginia Piper Cancer center. Had it not been for the "cancer" part you would have thought it was a resort. Lush grounds, greeters at the door, friendly service....no foul odors..... We went because my surgeons told me it was a place that I could receive a "special" gift from a store called Tina's Treasures and they would be able to help me with choosing an appropriate bra and other undergarments. What I got was so much more.

I was immediately greeted by Mee (don't want to use names unless I have permission) and she was delightful. She took the card my doctor sent me with and asked a volunteer to get my "special gift." She then asked for my insurance card and driver's license. Being the New Yorker that I am, I asked why. She said, "oh whatever you get we will make sure the insurance company pays for it." I thought, hot diggity, I won't have to spend my light bill money on some falsies!

The volunteer emerged with this large tote bag filled with all kinds of items....2 pillows for each arm sewed by volunteers, a journal, water bottle, sunscreen, smaller tote bag, a recovery pin, and the best of all....a certificate for a massage!! Before I could take all of that in another very delightful woman, Cee came to get me and took me to a back room. Hubby sat and waited patiently with the PING reading materials we received from Sarah and James;)

Cee introduced me to the director of the store Bee where we chatted about what brought me there. Before I knew it Bee told me she was a 3 year survivor and had pulled her top and bra off for me to see "her work done." Now I normally don't touch a friends boobs until at least the 3rd meeting and probably would have said...."b***h put your shirt down!" but before you knew it I was holding her breasts and feeling the silicone! It would make for a great scene in a movie, just make sure Halle Berry plays me o.k.?......I surprise myself sometimes. It turns out Bee and I have more in common that we both bargained for that day...her surgical team will be my surgical team, so I got a birdseye view....literally of what "their finished work" looks like. She comforted me and reassured me that they were the best and would take care of me. It also turns out her husband works for a local college and may be in need of some instructors. Some fake boobs and a job prospect, who could ask for any more?

Then Cee told me she had numerous lumpectomies and could not bring herself to remove her entire breasts but she admired women who did. She made me sad. We didn't go into why she would not have her breasts removed she just looked like she didn't want to talk about it, so I know when to back off. Then another lady came in for some paperwork and she too was a survivor.

Every woman that worked their had their own story of loss and triumph and for the first time I felt like I was not alone. I have been feeling a little on the outside lately....needing help, asking for favors, making sure things are just "right" when my mom comes....not that she cares, and even though I have Kelly and Diane to turn to I still felt (feel) like nobody knows how defeated I really feel....I guess you will after reading this....

So I received a bra, camisole, and some falsies, all paid for by my insurance company. I asked Mee how does the insurance pay for it all and she said "we make sure they do." and winked. Ahh...a woman after my own heart, persuasion and threats! I was given an invitation to come back and be fitted for the silicone falsies after my surgery and was on my way.

We then headed to my surgeon's office where he went over the procedure, told me how my incision would be, told me to lean on friends and volunteers and not to vacuum. I thought he knew me better 'cause on a good day I don't vacuum! He even remembered that my hubby was out of work and asked how he was doing.....nobody ever asks how the spouse is doing they just assume he is a basket case, disconnected or clueless or all three sometimes at the same time.

Before I left Bee said something very profound to me. She said I have an "obligation" to tell others my story. WOW....an obligation? She said especially if I am teaching college age students, young or old, I need to tell them. People in my life, strangers, friends of friends.....now I will tell my students after the semester is over....my group can be easily distracted, and I never want my condition to give me excuses so I expect the same from them.

I read once that a humble heart is a sure fire sign that we acknowledge that GOD is the source of everything we are exposed to. Humility is about patience and discovery for me.....and this too will SAVE MY LIFE......

Love can heal....

Well, I love my cousin so therefore I can forgive her....don't get it twisted, I'm still mad as hell, and will kick her ass (literally) when I see her next, it won't take much she's a skinny little thang....I'm just ready to forgive. I have to. If I am preparing my body for surgery and praying for my healing to occur in the least painful way possible, then that includes my heart. 1 John 4:8 teaches me GOD is love, so the implication is that WE must love....

I have done some excellent reading lately. Dr. Susan Love's Breast Book is straightforward, and reassuring. Not that my bible isn't, it's just this book was enlightening. I felt like she was talking directly to me. Thank you Kelly for telling me to get it:)If you know of anyone going through this ~ get them this book!!

I talked to some really good friends this weekend ~ Diane who called to just check on me....Lysette who made me laugh about her new obsession with Judge Hatchett:).....Donna who called me between running the kids and dinner.....and Lil who's mother in law went through this and gave me valuable information which she called unsolicited advice:) She told me to make it a priority to take prune juice due to the amount of gas in my tummy after surgery. Now that's information a doctor won't tell you!!! What a support community I have!! I am slowly realizing how important it is to let go of the small things like dishes, laundry, cleaning....they don't matter in the grand scheme of things. I am glad my desk is moved to my bedroom, 'cause the laundry and cleaning will drive me crazy if not done....I'm learning.....slowly.

So I am in school as well as working and taking care of a household....my advisor suggested that I take a medical leave from school...hahaha....he's a fool. Seriously, that's the only thing I am in control of and he wants to take it away. I feel like as long as I am able why not? It's not about pushing myself, it's about being productive. Yes I will rest, yes I will take it easy, yes I will allow my support community to do for me but I can't just be inactive. I can be active when I'm dead I say....don't take the one thing that I am and can do. I told him to take a mental health leave 'cause he was crazy.....anywho....

I went to church yesterday and my pastor talked about the simplicity of prayer. How prayer does not have to be this long soliloquy of ramblings. Be specific. GOD knows what's in your heart and soul but is he a mind reader? Probably, but we still need to be specific in prayer. So my prayer today is for total healing, that my surgeons hands are steady and that they use clean instruments (he said specific) and to take ALL the gauze out......SAVING MY LIFE.....

Secrets....

So much has happened in the last 24 hours I can't see straight. I can't even write this morning. My twin cousin sister (yes it says exactly what I mean) has taken over for me. I will blog another time but for now here is a message from Paula:

March 6, 2009

When ignorance isn’t bliss

I hate family secrets! I truly, truly do. I realize that people make the best decisions that they can in the midst of circumstances (and I am no exception). I also know, from experience, that sometimes the secrets you find out are ones you wish you didn’t know. But sometimes, some times what you don’t know CAN hurt you. Here’s an example. One cousin in the family is diagnosed with a condition that leads to a double mastectomy. Meanwhile, another cousin was diagnosed and treated for the same condition, but said nothing to the first cousin about it. Now, I understand that some people prefer to keep their illnesses, medical conditions, and diagnoses private. I do not understand why, however, when it comes to breast issues particularly breast cancer (at any step, stage or phase), people are suddenly so closemouthed. I mean really. Some folks tell you about all the mediocre happenings in their lives, or worse yet, offer fake affection or interest in your life, but then when he or she has information that could potentially benefit you (i.e. medical information that might help save your life), you can’t pry their lips apart with a crowbar! Wtf? Yes, I said it. WTF?! For those of you who do not know what this means, ask.
There is a back story to the example I mentioned. Like the fact that the two cousins are not on friendly/speaking terms due to miscommunication regarding the planning of a family reunion. Emotions ran high, words (and emails and cross conversations) were exchanged, feelings were hurt, division ensued, and now, when it counts the most, this pathetic, non-communicative bullshit causes one cousin to go through a lumpectomy without the prayers and support of her extended family, and the other cousin, Kim, to face the loss of both breasts, with the prayers and support of her original, immediate, and extended family and friends. I put it to you the readers. Who is better off? Kim or my other cousin? What if my other cousin had shared, even casually, that she was having breast issues? What if Kim had gotten her mammogram six months earlier? I have had mammograms since the age of 32 because I noticed that something wasn’t right. Last fall, my doctors did additional tests after my mammogram because they “thought they saw something”. Look, ten years later, I still have tests done because I know that it could only be a matter of time before I am the one in Kim’s position, or my other cousin’s position (not that I would have known she ever faced such a dilemma except for a conversation between two other people). I tell you, all this round robin communication gets on my nerves. I am so sick of people talking all AROUND but never TO the people that they know they should be talking to directly. Again I ask wtf is wrong with this picture??
Personally, I don’t give a damn about the past. Yes, the past shapes and defines you, but it does not determine your final outcome. If we, as a family, are to survive through thick and thin, sickness and health, good times and bad times, then people need to start speaking up and talking about what is happening in their lives. WE ARE FAMILY! We may not like each other at times. We may get on each other’s last nerve. We may find out more than we ever bargained for or wanted to know, but WE ARE FAMILY. It should be enough to SAVE SOMEONE'S LIFE.....

Wisdom.....

Okay, yesterday started off good, then went downhill......as promptly the stroke of 11am my BET cable station did not work. Calling the pin heads at the cable company doesn't work it only stresses me more....so I continue on my day, pick up my kids and what happens? My battery that I knew would die, died....okay, I get a new battery, they can't put it in, so I get the battery and try to go home....car won't start due to battery. I wait to get a jump and yup, my hubby who fixes everything, put my new battery in:) A man with a wrench is very sexy in case you don't know.......

I called the cable company today as my BET channel remains obstinate, yet letting another day go by where I can't find out who's the baby daddy, and this time I got smart. I figured since I took control of my health I can take control of my cable problem. So I called not wanting another "refresh signal", they can take that signal and shove it where the sun doesn't ever want to shine.....but I want a human being to come and fix my damn cable!! Will report tomorrow what they find.....I am beginning to think this this thing we call life is a conspiracy and when I find out who is behind it, I'm gonna kick their ass....My friend Sarah gave me an alternate outlet for my obsession with other people's problems...fmylife.com....when you think your having a bad day, there is always somebody doing worse....

Okay so ask me. Ask me what, ask me....anything. One of the things that froots my loops is when people ask other people about you. If you want to know about me, ask me! This morning as I was dropping my little darlings off at school and I was speaking to some mom's in the parking lot. I walked away to greet another friend for the morning and one mom who I don't know very well asked a friend of mine what was going on with me. She "heard" I was having surgery and wanted to know how me and my family were doing. Sounds innocent, but I was just talking to her less than 2 minutes prior....ask me about me. This is how rumors and the gossip mill starts. It's ridiculous to me that grown ass women act like children....where do we learn this behavior? Can we presume we are raised by wolves then handed over to our parents....it's either a ridiculous concept to believe that people do not have to talk behind your back or I'm overly sensitive right now....I do know the difference....So screw the people who can't ask me about me....but stop asking....I will never apologize for who I am and what I believe....ok I digress....I told you about my exchanges with "Christians" lately so maybe I am overly sensitive....

I did receive some major blessings yesterday, my friend Dena had her cleaning service call me to see what my needs would be before and after my surgery....the lady that called even let me know she and her partner were praying with me and for me....My children's teachers will do homework afterschool with my children Monday - Thursday so that when they come home, it's all about mommie:) My friend Yolande is organizing a dinner schedule....she and other mom's do not know how hard it is for me to ask for help and even appear to need help, but I have learned to shut my mouth and stop blocking my blessings......especially with Yolande because she never shuts up;) Amazing women surround me....

I read Marcus Buckingham all the time and if you don't know who he is I highly recommend ANY of his books. One of my school friends brought him up yesterday and hit a spot with me. I have the arrogance and audacity to believe I am going to be o.k. and emerge even stronger, self-confident and healthier.....might even bring sexy back:):) hahaha.....

I know this because I have wisdom. I read Proverbs 4:5-6 today where it tells us biblically to get wisdom and understanding.....

Wisdom allows me to see my life from the perspective of GOD but also intelligently make decisions that are best for me. Not everyone will agree with you all of the time. Not everyone will give you their total support ALL of the time....you would be looking at cult like behavior at this point, but people can understand you....I have gained wisdom that has allowed me to look at my situation with clarity and understanding.

No matter what I may be going through GOD's gift of wisdom is guiding my hand (sometimes off of the throat of another person) and SAVING MY LIFE.....

Spouses need support too....

Last night my hubby and I had a heart to heart. He expressed his fears and wondered for a moment...why MY wife? I reassured him that in this journey of life sometimes you are chosen to receive things that you don't want so it's just tag your it!!

We went through some scripture, specifically, Exodus 14:14 where it states, "The LORD himself will fight for you; you have only to keep still." And we are creatures of habit. We don't want to be still. We want to fight, work, do what we can. Being still is not an option.

What I realized about my hubby at that moment was that for our entire relationship he has always "fixed" things. He is a contractor and has a natural flair for creating and building but he "fixes" everything. The toilet, when our sons put cars in there to "see" how they would float....the garbage disposal, when my mom put potato peels in it (numerous times...she's not convinced that it clogs up because of that), my daughters boo boo when it's really only a scrape or new light fixtures to enhance the outside of our home.

This he cannot fix. He must rely on other men to fix it for him...what a blow. Not really to his ego, he doesn't have one, but just the reliance on someone else to make sure your family is safe is frightening. Again...it's the ebb and flow of life....sometimes we must give up that control and this is from a control freak.....hahahaha....I crack me up!!! So if you see him, give him a hug and reassure him that GOD is in control....

So today is turning out to be a good day....I am cooking a fabulous dinner for my family (just some chicken in the crock pot....hahaha) and have vowed to focus my energy on my family and friends in these few days before my surgery because when I come home I am not sure how much talking I will want to do....just going to let my body guide me. I am continuing to eliminate evil people from my life....one jackass at a time....and this will SAVE MY LIFE.....

The countdown begins...

Today I was mad again. This time my target was Cox Communications. You see I have diverted my energy everyday from 11-1 to watching Judge Hatchett on BET. My sister friend Quiana has told me that my recent obsession with this show is abnormal and borders on delusional, but I have found great comfort in looking at other people's problems....it takes my mind (even for a short time) off of my own......

How ironic is it that all of my other channels worked except for BET? And at the time I needed to watch Judge Hatchett? So I did what any red blooded American would do....I called the cable company. After listening to rotten elevator music, and being transferred to a very nice lady....I was told there was nothing they could do for 1 channel. Now I have already expressed my need to control things so I was not taking that for an answer. I suggested that she add up all of the channels that I receive and divide them by the 2 hours or 120 minutes of entertainment that I was missing and that would suffice for me. After much debate and being put on hold 2 more times we settled on 5.00. Small price to concede to after not being able to watch other people deal with their issues in open court.....

I continue my journey with faith in reading Galatians 3:23-29 today. A friend of mine asked how do I choose the scripture I will read for the day and I told him that I open my bible and where it lands is where I read, or sometimes my dad, a theological history major gives me one to read....

What I read in these verses was how faith sets you free and unites us. I have a friend (EC) from school who offered to do something nice for my family....he is so kind....and I realized it is faith that connects us. He reminded me that I have friends and prayer so I take this to mean don't get bogged down with hectic schedules or global concerns, it will only cloud the pathway to victory!!

So tomorrow, I will watch Judge Hatchett and slip into total oblivion all the while keeping the faith, because this is what will SAVE MY LIFE....

March 2, 2009

Today was busy...making lists, checking them twice....and I already know who's naughty and nice. People continue to get in my space and reduce my positive energy and today I refuse for that to happen. Today I reject anything resembling Satan and his merry band of idiots.....I had a great talk with some friends this weekend, Annitra, Diane and Deb and they made me laugh and promise to not keep my head above water but stand on top of the waterfall! I take heed and move forward....

Continuing my preparation.....Last night my hubby and I told the kids...here was the reaction ~ my oldest said since we are part Irish and my operation was on St. Patty's Day I would have the luck of the Irish on my side, my youngest son wanted to know how many days I would be boobless and to "stuff" my bra, nobody will know and my daughter...AKA mini/me wanted to know if she could take my old "tities" for show and tell. Do you see why I need to have this surgery? My kids are bright, funny, loving and some days difficult...but they are the reason I draw breathe. When I was younger my mom would tell me, "I hope you have 10 just like you" Well I have at least 2 just like me and would not trade them for the world:)

I was watching CNN today and a commentator was explaining the healthcare portion of the stimulus bill....I'm not going to get political, just hear me out. According to this woman, if you were released from your employment from Sept 1, 2008 to December 31, 2009 and had to go on a COBRA plan, the government will subsidize 65% of your premium.

Well hot damn I say, here comes my bailout!! And if this is true I say poo poo to all that don't agree....ya see our COBRA premium is a mortgage payment. To a family of 5 with only 1 person employed this is reason to celebrate. To all that believe this is welfare....I agree....I'm just not too proud to beg....Ya see I did not grow up on subsidies (although my Aunt Gracie would always find a block of gov't cheese to give us) but I won't knock people who did. If you are trying to do the best you can with what you have but need a little help, I say not only will I take it and run, I will do so with my head held high because I know my ancestors built this country on their backs and I've been paying taxes since I was 14 (first job in church rectory for 14.07 a week) so I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and it's not the train trying to run me over....I also know that this place we are in is temporary. My husband will find work, I will be well and life will return to "normal" as we know it.

It's the ebb and flow of life....we will not stay stuck here for too long, a change is gonna come soon....I feel it. Call it a spiritual awakening I just feel it....

So I am strengthened by the power of faith....I will use it in my daily walk, my daily prayer, my yoga session (even if I can't cross my legs and arms the way they do on the tape) and eventually GOD will reveal his plan for me.....so in the mean time faith is the essential ingredient that will SAVE MY LIFE......

March 1, 2009

Today I am still mad....today my anger is toward the pimps we call insurance companies. I actually have been mad at them for sometime now, I am just getting around to expressing it.

My husband is without work, so we go on COBRA...(code name for pimp supplant).
The premium (codename for pimp reward) is a hefty amount each month but we pay it because we actually have no choice. You see my surgeons don't take the state offered insurance so no reason to drop COBRA and risk losing the best care possible....so I continue to be pimped.
The hospital has charged me a copay (codename for pimp receiver) which is an outrageous amount and you guessed it, we will pay because we have no other choice.

I am busting my hump to work and I thought FICA (codename for pimp master) was my only pimp....apparently not. You can be pimped by just about any industry known to man and it's perfectly legal in this country. Where's the justice?

I'm off that soapbox and today....I am preparing for my surgery in 16 days. How you say? I am going to eliminate caffeine and sugar from my diet. Drink lots of water and walk to expand my lungs. Ya see, anesthesia is not kind to my body and these things will lessen my reaction to them. It's not medical advice for everyone, just me.

I read the Book of Ruth today...hahaha....yup the whole book, about 4 pages:) And I learned that the loyalty and bond the women had in this chapter creates the authentic blessings we all experience in life. We have a special bond with women even if they are a size 6, long, shiny, flowing hair, and skin like silk. We say we hate them but we share a bond that is unmatched, even the male bond. Our bodies can do things men are incapable of doing and for that our bond is forever sealed. So to all of the women in my life, even the ignorant woman I wrote about yesterday ~ I say thank you. Particularly today to my sister friend Gina L. who taught me yoga in San Diego ~ I say thank you. Yoga has saved me from choking the s**t out of particular individuals recently and I have learned to uncross my legs with minimal discomfort:)

Prayer, Yoga and authentic female family, friends and strangers is turning out to be a part of what will SAVE MY LIFE.....