Intimacy....

Intimacy takes on many faces. Recently a friend of mine asked if my husband and I had been intimate since my surgery and I had to think about it…..what really is intimacy? It can’t just be having sex or else we could just lump many feelings in that category and still only come out with just sex….the physicality of intimacy in my book. So really what is it? Simply put here’s what it has been for me….intimacy means no matter how thick it gets….no matter how sore I feel after a fill…no matter how mad I get that I am in this position to begin with….he is my soft place to fall. Simply put. I am reading Elizabeth Edwards book and she talks about her new reality. Now while our situations are vastly different my thoughts are the same as hers….this is my new reality. The ways we classified things such as intimacy takes on a different meaning for me now because my reality has changed…..simply put. Intimacy means in order to create healing in my life I must create wholeness. So while the breast cancer affected physical changes, it did not destroy my self-esteem or the belief and delight in myself. I am not less attractive as I have always thought of my intellect as being quite sexy…..ya see my breasts did not make me sexy or attractive and my hubby knows that. So when my friend asked me the question, I simply replied….what makes you think we stopped being intimate?

So I get my fill yesterday and the wife does it. She went in with the needle, put the 50cc’s in and was out in a jiffy. No veins hit, no bleeding, nothing. She was laughing that her husband hit two veins and I told her she needs to send him to some more training. She did give me some interesting news too. I may only have about 6 more weeks of fills because of how “big” I want my new boobs to be. Ya see the tissue expanders I have in can hold 1100cc’s of saline which would be about a D cup…. this body will not have a D cup unless it’s filled with a martini, so if I go to about 550cc’s that will be about a B cup. I am at 200cc’s right now and knowing that there is hope on the horizon…….knowing this ordeal will be over….knowing that there is light at the end of the tunnel and it’s not the train trying to run me over gives me hope like no one has ever imagined!!! This will be over!!

She told me that I could even skip a week here or a week there if I get too sore….my response is hell no….they are really nice people and all, but between Tylenol, Percocet and back rubs….this new reality that I am in has to stop. I feel polarized some days and it needs to come to an end. So, I will be forging ahead….no missed appointments for me….I have been lightly shaken, not stirred and SAVING MY LIFE is still the priority…..