Doubt....

Today I had a talk….a much needed talk with a dear and old friend Michelle. And what we both realized was that 2009 is the year that everybody is going through something. Whether it be an incorrigible child, a husband out of work or like me medical issues. What we both agreed on was that through it all if we did not have faith in GOD, self and the hope that things will get better someone would be dead…..seriously…..

One of the things I have begun to do is yoga again. I cannot stress or emphasize how much yoga keeps my hands off of the necks of stupid people. I have learned to breathe through the positions I cannot do and embrace the ones I can. Yoga is peaceful and takes me to a place only I can go and I don’t need Percocet to get there. I have even taught my daughter how to meditate peacefully and that is fast becoming our ritual in the morning. She said it helps her to focus better and deal with her brothers….I replied “me too”. Yoga has helped me to live peacefully when uncertainty and ambiguity seem to creep in my life, causing me to doubt decisions and question certain moves I may make.

Ok, so I have been going to these support groups and I will say right now I am not bashing them, some people find strength in them….not me. They are draining me. The ones I go to most of the women blame parents, GOD, spouses and children for their illness. It’s pathetic. I tried to go to a mixed gender one and the men are worse. I can’t take it….I’m telling my doc tomorrow that I have fulfilled my obligation, I have attended 4 and I’m done….

Lately I have been fixated on what if the cancer returns and I don’t catch it in time? What I am realizing is the more I focus on the negative thoughts the more I compromise my own healing…..period. I am sure I will revisit this but as long as I have faith AND yoga I will be ok. Psalm 33:16, 18-20 tells me that the Lord will take care of those who fear him, and my hope is in the Lord. The shock of having an illness or in my case a condition because I was never sick, illness screams sick….has made me re-evaluate my shortcomings, achievements, roles and responsibilities. I cannot wait until GOD is through with me so I can live the life I want to live…..SAVING MY LIFE….