Changes....

So today I am feeling better…still a little blue and it’s not just from the small bruises where my veins were hit. One of the teacher’s at my kids school sent a note stating this year was bittersweet, she was moving on like about 9/10ths of the entire school. You see this has been a tumultuous year full of regrets, disappointments, a fair share of gossip and innuendos from "Christians" no less….and through it all I am dealing with a health crisis. Ordinarily I would have been in the trenches trying to fight trying to save any ounce of dignity the school had in the Catholic school community but I couldn’t….just physically couldn’t. So I did what any mother who cares about the safety and well being of her children would do: I have registered them at another school. Some may not agree with that decision, but who cares….they are my kids and I can do what I want.

Ya see Abraham Lincoln said a house divided will never stand….and that’s the simplicity of it…stability. Our families have put blood, sweat and tears into that school (literally) and to have been treated the way we were this year I can easily say bye-bye without fear or regret for the future. Cancer taught me to shake fear and uncertainty. After what I have been through, which is minuscule compared to other women, but nonetheless my pain is real; I can stand tall, be steadfast in my decisions and erase apprehensions. Sure I straddle the line between optimism and panic, defenselessness and control, weakness and vivacity. But knowing that this life is not a dress rehearsal, the decisions I make must have meaning and strength. I have learned a pretty neat trick over the last few months, how to live with all of the trepidation and channel that into positive energy. So that’s what I did. Instead of trying to figure out the who, what and why I searched for schools with the same sense of community we longed for and where love was spoken. I tuned out all of the influences and forged ahead with my plans to move my children. Some of my friends were on the fence, many have jumped and followed and others are still hanging on, while a few never knew the fence existed. In each instance it’s ok. I did what was best for MY kids and that’s the bottom line.

“As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them." - John F. Kennedy. When you send your kids to Catholic school your level of expectation is higher. One, because you pay tuition and two, because of the Christian element interwoven in the curriculum. Ya see leadership is more than a title, it’s an action. Leadership is more than barking orders and signing checks. Leadership does not make you a demigod. And lipstick on a pig is REALLY lipstick on a pig. It is the responsibility of the leader to make sure the organizational culture is stable and if you are coming to a strong culture you are to conform NOT completely change that culture. I don’t make this stuff up; I actually teach it so I know what I am talking about…teeheehee


My grandfather had a few sayings that are appropriate to how I feel about some people right now: 1. You never know who your gonna get your last glass of water from and 2. You will be ultimately judged by how you treated the weakest of you community. Hmmm, considering how the school community is at the moment, some people are going to die a long, horrible death and end up in hell with nothing to drink!!!

President Obama ran on the platform of change and said in his acceptance speech “Change has come to America” Well that same sentiment has come to the Hunley house. We are in for some changes and in my heart of hearts I know the changes will be for the best. I also believe part of my recovery has been slowed by the worry of yesterdays, but I spoke to GOD and things will be ok, because he is there for us. When you turn it over to GOD as Isaiah 40:29, 31 tells me he gives strength to those that are tired and power to those that are weak…..I am still finding my peace in the eye of the hurricane….SAVING MY LIFE…..

WHAT THE???

So dang it....he hit both veins today...and whoever made Tylenol is a genius. I thought to myself on the way home....."self when I get my new boobs I'm gonna look like a human pin cushion with a jacked up liver" (from all the Tylenol....teeheehee). He apologized profusely, told me I could swim and shave and off he went. I had to stay strong as my two youngest children were with me and so I stayed silently in pain.....in more ways than one.....hmmmmm

So I am feeling a little blue today...will blog about it tomorrow...pain is fresh and deep....and we are getting ready for a party so that will pick my spirits up:)

I realized that as a surgeon he moves with precision, floating over each and every incision...but when it comes to a small procedure like my 50cc's weekly he's a simpleton.....Oh well, the bottom line is he's still.....SAVING MY LIFE.....

Reflection

Today will be spent reflecting on the many men and women who have served our country, died for our country or are in a foreign land at the direction of the commander and chief. I pray that we have the tolerance and patience to get out of war and turmoil will abound no more.....

I am also celebrating my 13th wedding anniversary which is reflective in itself......

Do we really watch what we say?

I know I don't, but that's me....before I start on my rant of stupid people I think my doc got the message. On Wednesday I received my fill...I'm at 250cc's now. He was gentle and did not hit a vein....!!! Hallelujah!! I was very grateful because I wanted to attend my youngest son's trumpet performance and I knew that if he hit a vein I might be in jail for kicking him in the head....so no vein hit and I was good to go to the performance....sore but in no real pain.

Okay, I don't watch what I say, I tell it like I see it and move on. I have always been like that and in my ripe old age I don't wannna change. However....I am sensitive to other people and their situations (sometimes) and I am getting tired of people saying, "hey you look good" or my all time favorite from Wednesday night was from a mom who I don't really care for anyway said, "you don't look like you had cancer"....now assuming that cancer has a face what would it look like? And did I look like a dragged by a car dog before? Aside the fact that the comment is ignorant I didn't and don't expect intelligence from this person anyway, do we assume cancer must "look" a certain way?
I have no familial history and only 1 other relative has even been tested for abnormal cells (that I know of) so am I just an anomaly? I think not.

Breast cancer does not care who you are, how much dough you have or who your daddy is. It does not care about the light bill, phone bill or food in your fridge....it is a very selfish disease so why would it care that it disrupted my life? or changed how I look? Okay I digress, this is really about stupid people, not a pity party for me and others....what I don't get and maybe never will understand is how people can just say things that are stupid. My response to this woman was simply"you didn't look that stupid until you opened your mouth either...." I hope she got the message.....People take me to this place I don't go there intentionally.....1 John 5:20 tells me truth will triumph....

So things are looking up for us....I have more teaching assignments that I can handle but I accept them anyway; Kevin is receiving some work which will take us through the summer so that is a true blessing....and my kids are almost out of school ready for their summer activities and they are healthy and great. I am looking forward to slowing down a bit....I want to get my mind, body and soul right for my next and hopefully praise Jesus my last surgery for my implants. My friend Cyndy will come and help work me out since Paige blew her knee out..... I got a back massager my doc recommended that feels like little people are beating me with their fists. I did get a free pillow too....

This weekend will be restful and reflective. I don't want company and don't want to go to the many b-b-ques we have been invited to....I know it sounds rude....I just see an opportunity to sleep more that 5 hours in a night and I'm going for it!! So while I appreciate all of the attention, I am still in recovery....just look at my swelling and you will know....so I will be spending Memorial Day weekend .....SAVING MY LIFE.....

Doubt....

Today I had a talk….a much needed talk with a dear and old friend Michelle. And what we both realized was that 2009 is the year that everybody is going through something. Whether it be an incorrigible child, a husband out of work or like me medical issues. What we both agreed on was that through it all if we did not have faith in GOD, self and the hope that things will get better someone would be dead…..seriously…..

One of the things I have begun to do is yoga again. I cannot stress or emphasize how much yoga keeps my hands off of the necks of stupid people. I have learned to breathe through the positions I cannot do and embrace the ones I can. Yoga is peaceful and takes me to a place only I can go and I don’t need Percocet to get there. I have even taught my daughter how to meditate peacefully and that is fast becoming our ritual in the morning. She said it helps her to focus better and deal with her brothers….I replied “me too”. Yoga has helped me to live peacefully when uncertainty and ambiguity seem to creep in my life, causing me to doubt decisions and question certain moves I may make.

Ok, so I have been going to these support groups and I will say right now I am not bashing them, some people find strength in them….not me. They are draining me. The ones I go to most of the women blame parents, GOD, spouses and children for their illness. It’s pathetic. I tried to go to a mixed gender one and the men are worse. I can’t take it….I’m telling my doc tomorrow that I have fulfilled my obligation, I have attended 4 and I’m done….

Lately I have been fixated on what if the cancer returns and I don’t catch it in time? What I am realizing is the more I focus on the negative thoughts the more I compromise my own healing…..period. I am sure I will revisit this but as long as I have faith AND yoga I will be ok. Psalm 33:16, 18-20 tells me that the Lord will take care of those who fear him, and my hope is in the Lord. The shock of having an illness or in my case a condition because I was never sick, illness screams sick….has made me re-evaluate my shortcomings, achievements, roles and responsibilities. I cannot wait until GOD is through with me so I can live the life I want to live…..SAVING MY LIFE….

Intimacy....

Intimacy takes on many faces. Recently a friend of mine asked if my husband and I had been intimate since my surgery and I had to think about it…..what really is intimacy? It can’t just be having sex or else we could just lump many feelings in that category and still only come out with just sex….the physicality of intimacy in my book. So really what is it? Simply put here’s what it has been for me….intimacy means no matter how thick it gets….no matter how sore I feel after a fill…no matter how mad I get that I am in this position to begin with….he is my soft place to fall. Simply put. I am reading Elizabeth Edwards book and she talks about her new reality. Now while our situations are vastly different my thoughts are the same as hers….this is my new reality. The ways we classified things such as intimacy takes on a different meaning for me now because my reality has changed…..simply put. Intimacy means in order to create healing in my life I must create wholeness. So while the breast cancer affected physical changes, it did not destroy my self-esteem or the belief and delight in myself. I am not less attractive as I have always thought of my intellect as being quite sexy…..ya see my breasts did not make me sexy or attractive and my hubby knows that. So when my friend asked me the question, I simply replied….what makes you think we stopped being intimate?

So I get my fill yesterday and the wife does it. She went in with the needle, put the 50cc’s in and was out in a jiffy. No veins hit, no bleeding, nothing. She was laughing that her husband hit two veins and I told her she needs to send him to some more training. She did give me some interesting news too. I may only have about 6 more weeks of fills because of how “big” I want my new boobs to be. Ya see the tissue expanders I have in can hold 1100cc’s of saline which would be about a D cup…. this body will not have a D cup unless it’s filled with a martini, so if I go to about 550cc’s that will be about a B cup. I am at 200cc’s right now and knowing that there is hope on the horizon…….knowing this ordeal will be over….knowing that there is light at the end of the tunnel and it’s not the train trying to run me over gives me hope like no one has ever imagined!!! This will be over!!

She told me that I could even skip a week here or a week there if I get too sore….my response is hell no….they are really nice people and all, but between Tylenol, Percocet and back rubs….this new reality that I am in has to stop. I feel polarized some days and it needs to come to an end. So, I will be forging ahead….no missed appointments for me….I have been lightly shaken, not stirred and SAVING MY LIFE is still the priority…..

Being satisfied.....

I have been blessed to have people in my life who know how to get things done and push me to do the same. People like Gina who are teaching me to live from sufficiency and remind me that in order to be an asset to my community and family I must rethink “banking my energy”. This last week has been crazy. I had doctor’s appointments, my son had doc appts, my hubby had appts…. my massage therapist is now unavailable due to a blown out knee….everybody I come in contact with needs a doc after being with me….jeez….

….I have been inundated with work this past week….grading papers and completing my own assignments and I have been ignoring my body. I have gone back to some old habits of not telling people no and so when I think I am “banking my energy” I think I am o.k……hahaha…..not so!! I need to just rest….live from sufficiency and know that it will be o.k. Tell people no without feeling guilty. I must learn to call on friends more, not feel like I am bothering people AND not feel so pitiful…some days I think I should be further ahead in my recovery than I am….and I guess if I didn’t develop edema I would have been, but rest is what I require…..I feel unproductive and mundane but intellectually it’s what I need….

School is almost over for my kids and I can’t wait….I can’t wait to get away from all of the negativity that has swirled around their school community….my surgery was a blessing in that I have not had to deal with it too much as I do not have to go to the school much….oh but when I do…..sometimes Christians make me wanna puke….some of the people I detest can suck the life right out of a room…how do you live your life just being pathetic, insecure and angry? I guess that is one of life’s many mysteries…..

Summer is a time that in the past few years of me working at home I have cherished with my children….we won’t go on a vacation this year but they are going to go to some awesome camps and I will do my best to prepare them for the next grade they will be entering….my oldest is very excited about beginning Jr. High and I cannot believe I will be the mother of a teenager….after all I’m only 21…..

So as my story continues I realize that this is my story and no one can tell it like me, no one can change it but me and no one can own it but me…..I read Philippians 4:6-7, 11-13 where it states not to worry but pray and ask GOD for what you need, give thanks and you will receive. The passages also talk about being satisfied….knowing I can do all things through Christ because he give me strength……my story has SAVED MY LIFE…..

There are two words you never want to hear your doctor say........uh oh.....
I went for my second filler upper on Friday and as he took the needle out, a gush of blood came with it....yup you guessed it....hit a vein....
I got my 50cc on each side, he apologized profusely and I drove home in pain. Thank goodness for the drugs because I would not have taken the pain very well. Last week his wife was gentle, but she did refill my percocet as she told me after each fill I may be sore....she coulda warned me about her hubby's jab and go technique, but having hindsight in giving me the funny pills was just as good....I got home took two and have not emerged from the bed since....
Well I have done necessary things like bathe and eat....oh yea and worry about my oldest son who broke his pinky finger while playing basketball yesterday....it just never ends in the Hunley house....were just a bunch of walking medical misfits....I plan on buying stock in medical supplies, we're gonna make a mint.....
One of the things I failed to mention on my trip to Boston was that I went to a Zoomba class with Stacy....Zoomba is dance class surrounded by Latin moves and music....now I didn't go crazy, I turned when I could turn, I swished when I could swoosh and absolutely did no jumps....the little lady teaching did flips and flops, moved her hips like nobody's business and I was impressed by all of the women, including Stacy that kept up with her....very impressive indeed as some of these women were larger than I....gave my fat ass some hope....
Well we continue to be prayer warriors in the house and not just for me but all women who are going through the battle. I am blessed to only be worrying about my doc hitting a vein....some women worry about how to get through the next round of chemo or keeping down the funny pills....I know how blessed I am....I sometimes feel distressed over the inability to not do more, but my time will come, GOD is working on me as I breathe and write....and when my time does come watch out world I'm gonna be hell on wheels.....SAVING ANOTHER LIFE......