I've had a.....

setback. Life has many curve balls, some you see some coming, you don't. Last night I was taken to the emergency room for breathing difficulty and cramps. Bottom line is this. I need to slow down. I need to take the pain meds, eat what I am told and shut up. The most difficult part for me is shutting up:)
The past few days I have not taken many pain meds, trying to work through it and what has happened is, my body is chasing the pain. I have not been drinking enough water and have had way too much company. I love people coming to see me, but I should have gone to sleep and let them watch me. Instead I did not take my meds and and was a part of the action. So my body said, okay chick I have something for you....boom can't breathe....can't focus....so now I am obedient. Obedient to my mom, husband, children and the Holy Spirit who are telling my body to rest....so from this day forward I am taking a more active role in SAVING MY LIFE......

Triumph.....

Wow, anesthesia is a b***h....hahaha....I am upright but not uptight so I thought I would write a little today. I have so much to tell. Tuesday is partly a blur but here it goes....
I got to the hospital promptly at 7:33 and was taken to the registration desk. The older gentleman that signed me in wasn't rude but he wasn't particularly inviting either. Very business like, no side conversation, just a question here and sign there....okay I can deal with that. He told me my outrageous copay and did not offer a payment arrangement. So, with a steady hand and straight face I wrote a check.....they should be calling any day now....*wink**wink*.......I called my friends Elisa and Dena and then called by the same nurse I had for my lumpectomy....deja vous huh....to a room where my breast surgeon would inject radiation to guide him to any lymph nodes near one of the sites in question. She and I talked about her trip to Maui, her dad's passion for hangliding and my disregard for stupid people. My doc injected me and off I went to wait with the other 12 or so women waiting for surgery. Some were alone, others were with spouses and some with friends or other family members. I felt special, I had my husband AND mom with me. My kids were with Auntie Lynnie (AKA, my sorority sister) at the science museum. They wanted to be there when I woke up, didn't want to go to school and I wasn't going to make them.
So then nurse Carla (I asked her if I could use her name) comes in....she's the same nurse I had for my lumpectomy and I'm like....is this the twilight zone? Anyway, she takes vitals, asks questions...blah, blah blah and offers me a Valium cocktail....I took it faster than a cat could lick his butt and then went to sleep. When I awoke, it was noon.....WHAT??? I thought I was going into surgery @ 11:30??? Then it made sense, the Valium was to shut me up so I would not go off about the delay....it's a racket I tell ya.....so promptly @ 12:30 a short man walks in and I immediately recognize him as my anesthesiologist....you guessed it....same one from last time....I apologized for not paying him the 56 bucks I owe him and Carla said....just wait till ya get this bill:) I kissed my mom and hubby and off I went.....
I woke around 4 something to see my kids, mom, hubby and Auntie Lynnie in my room. My throat was sore and I could not focus....my stomach was okay but my legs were itchy.........as far as I could tell I didn't pee or poop on myself and I was wrapped tighter than King Tut...but I was ALIVE!!!!
I was given hugs and kisses, there were flowers and cards, and I was ALIVE!!! My kids only stayed for a little while the 2 youngest ones had a hard time seeing mommy on an IV and in bed. They were comforted by grandma and Lynne when they got home and took their butts to school the next day:)
My hubby stayed with me. He was tired, relieved and hungry. That did not stop him from taking me to the bathroom, cleaning me up, and walking with me at 12:30 at night. He fluffed my pillows, made me sip broth and let me in on a secret...he hates the word doo doo. I guess that's 2 words.....
I spoke with his sisters and mother early the next morning and thanked them....for they had a hand in raising such an amazing individual. Some men would have bailed back in October when we started this journey but not my Kevin....he is steadfast in his commitment to me and is a REAL man.....like us all, he doesn't always live his life in imitation of Christ, but he tries. He was confident that I would come through this surgery....just like a good athlete, you can predict the outcome before the game is over:) He has shown me that real love is when the chips are down and you are there picking them up is what matters.....we have become a stronger couple and family because of this. Now don't get it twisted, he will someday be annoying and worrisome but right now, I'm enjoying him as he is...
My plan and purpose has moved to triumph. As a believer I have an advantage in this game we call life. The current culture and community sometimes focuses on frivolous ideals and insignificant activities. Take for instance my kids school. The community is in turmoil, shambles if you will, but that's because some people have lost focus. Some people think they are in "charge"....hahahaha....I am living proof that GOD is ALWAYS in charge!!! They are fools if they think they can dismiss Scripture and the tradition of the church....any church....I'm tired and cramping now so I leave with this.....
2 Corinthians 2:14 tells us GOD leads us triumph....and this has SAVED MY LIFE.....

Strength....

We sometimes take this word for granted to mean we ourselves must have strength, but sometimes you have to lean on those closest to you. The last 2 days have been filled with laughter, good friends, good food and strong family bonds. My conversations have been insightful, funny, intense and down right knee slapping, crying, gut hurting hilarious.....everything from world politics to Disney characters:) We had a bye bye booby dinner last night where I was the guest of honor:) My peace is still in the eye of the hurricane.....

Right now, my strength is powered courageously by the gift of faith. In all of my prayers I use it as a tool to give glory to GOD....and so he knows I am listening:) We all have a plan and purpose and I truly believe after my surgery at 11:30 am Phoenix time and in recovery, my NEW plan and purpose will be revealed to me or will that be the morphine? I don't know why I just do.....or it could be the fried zucchini I ate last night...... faith also keeps the goal of salvation in focus for me....even with all of the worldly distractions, faith gives me confidence in things unseen and hope that my recovery will be limited.....I have too much hell and too many kids to raise!!

I have been trying to figure out (still) why me and why not me and why every woman and me.....but the reality is I am doing what I am supposed to be doing. I am where I am supposed to be. I heard Anita Baker sing a song or chorus line part...."Do what he sent you to do".....I have to get her new CD.....hhmmmm trip alone to Wally world sounds good today..... anywho.... yes....I am where I belong. I am supposed to be going through this in order to receive a blessing. Ya see, there hasn't been too many "shocking" things that have happened in my life. A few here and there but nothing like this....so I'm scared, anxious, still mad at cancer.....and will fight tooth and nail now to be instrumental in finding a cure.....but I am where I am to be and will do what he sent me to do.......I believe March 17th will be the day I receive a gift and in turn I need to find a way to give a gift....it won't be monetary ya know I'm broke....hahahaha....but that's what is on my heart right now.....

Does anyone know if my morphine drip will be green? Then I guess I will pee green too huh?....hahahaha....I crack me up, just a little Irish humor......My mom will be here tomorrow, she will need just as much morphine as I will....having a child in pain is no fun. My baby girl had a tummy ache last night probably from all of the pizza, soda and whatever else she ate while we weren't looking and it broke my heart....I can only imagine what my mom is feeling....maybe she will tell me and then I will share it.....

Well, I will be offline for a while, I have to save my Internet strength to do schoolwork, but I will have someone give you all an update....call me if you have the number....if I don't answer ~ don't take it personal....)

I will be writing a new chapter in my book of life....living my own story....not daring to imitate someone else's.....using this experience as an impetus to create the life I want.....it will be faith filled, hope guided.....and all the while.....SAVING MY LIFE.....

Language....

My grandfather used to say....watch the toes you step on today, they may be connected to the ass you have to kiss tomorrow....I watch my words when talking to people and I always have a high expectation that people will do the same. Not so. I always try to tell people exactly what I want them to know because this cuts down on confusion....its just the way I was bred I guess. I saw my oldest son do an amazing job at a reading in church today and a woman who shall remain nameless to protect the village of idiots she emerged from asked me "why are you choosing this?, why not try and save your breasts?" I wanted to say...."oh hell I don't know, just felt like getting my tities cut off on St. Patty's Day".....dumb ass.....wth?? My friends Diane and Kelly who both went through this told me this would happen. I vividly remember Kelly saying in Starbucks....people will say dumb things because they don't know what to say....well I am asking all of those people.....shut the hell up. Do not take for granted that everyone will know how incredibly stupid you are and treat you like the idiot you deserve to be treated like. It's best for all concerned if you just say nothing.

So I simply replied, "my children are my greatest love not my boobs." I then gave her the blog address and wished her and her family well. I hope she reads this....and shuts the hell up.

Okay, I talked to my doctor cousin's husband who is also a doctor which makes him my doctor cousin husband cousin-in-law...hahaha.... and he has read all of my pathology reports and recommendations. He has done several rounds of oncology training and I just wanted a second pair of eyes on my paperwork. He stated that my cell type if left untreated would have manifested into an aggressive type of cancer which is surely fatal. This confirmed my gut decision that I was doing the right thing and ready to move forward....what disturbed me was that my doctor did not use the same language. My hubby stated that he used similar language but I needed to hear the words "if left untreated" and "aggressive." There again the words and language we choose will have an effect on the people receiving the message. I put a call into him and was ready to cuss him out but by the time he called back I wasn't mad anymore so I just said never mind....

I cannot stress the importance of early detection. Get your check ups, make sure if you are not feeling well you need to go see a doctor and don't let up until that little voice in your head says your o.k. Now this is not to be confused with the other little voices....hahahaha....

My friend Annitra is doing a 5K run for cancer research this weekend in Wilmington, NC in honor of me:) I miss her terribly and her husband will return from Iraq this month after a 1 year tour and she still found time to think about me.....just like my friend Dena making my youngest son her special blueberry bread simply because he asked or my friends taking me to lunch today to make me laugh, or my Soror Lynne coming to help out next week and of course my mom coming for however long I need her, or Kevin's sister coming for a week to also help out, or the many mom's praying for me and ....just thinking about me is overwhelming and I will stop here to simply say, thank you for being a part of my life and SAVING MY LIFE....

Could not have said it better myself

So I went to my surgeon on Monday and he told me to get some rest....hahahaha....I told him, no YOU get some rest, eat a good breakfast, exercise to release some endorphins and raise your serotonin levels....do not have an argument with your wife Tuesday morning and no road rage on your way to work. You see doctors tell us what to do all the time. We need to start telling them what to do......

Today I received an email from one of my sorority sisters (Sheila)....she was the President of my college chapter and my Nemesis:) We became sorors in 1987 and I love her dearly. Here it goes.....
This is not about me. (you may not think so, but keep reading)
This is about you.
I miss talking to you.
The texting and talking in between all the activities of our busy life.
But (yes here is the but).
I'm frustrated because of EVERYTHING.
I'm sad because I can't fix it.
I'm confused as to why.
I'm speechless, (yea me), because I don't know what to say or how to say it.
I'm in need of comfort but I don't know how to make it better.
I don't know how to enter a *(#)(*% blog on OUR website. (computer illiterate)
What I do know is
That I have FAITH in GOD, I TRUST GOD, I LOVE GOD and I LOVE YOU.
I do know that trials and tribulations come and grow and go and with the prayer chain you have, ALL of the HUNLEYS will be better than okay.
I know from my own different experiences and from what I've learned that this period in your life is a "cleansing" stop on the Interstate to GOD'S beautiful blessings.
I know GOD tests us to make us stronger, to see if we run from him instead of to him.
I know you and all the crew are running towards him full speed ahead.
I don't know how you feel but I've been reading the blog to stay connected to you and to learn and to understand.
I've told you this before and I'll repeat it again "I ADMIRE YOUR STRENGTH".
You have armed yourself with plenty of knowledgeable information to tackle all problems.
I do pray for you and I have prayed for the spouse and my children and your parents, in-laws, (e'ry body).
I have learned thru my pastor not just to pray for the situation you are going thru at the present but to pray for VICTORY in Jesus' name.
To specifically pray for the result we all want to see. . . .. full recovery and yes. . . . . . . P P B (pretty perky boobs)!
Until the next time. . . . . smooches sistah Kimmie . . ..

and this my friends is SAVING MY LIFE....

Today I am having an issue with....

Trust. I think I need to stop eating late at night (my coping tool right now, don't tell me this bad my fat ass already knows)because I have weird dreams and they are affecting my psyche during the day if I can remember the dream. For instance, last night my hubby and I had big bowls of vanilla ice cream(sugar free) and loads of caramel(not sugar free). What I can remember about my dream was that I was being carried into the operating room riding a camel wearing only some bright yellow rubber ducky boots! If there are any dream interpreters out there please share what this means:) This could be some freaky interpretation of fear or it could mean put the spoon down before 7pm.....

Trust, like faith is an incredible thing to posses. I should have trusted my hubby to tell me to put the spoon and bowl down but he finished what I didn't eat, so I hope I can trust him to help me take off old and new pounds after my surgery:) I trust a good pair of leather shoes, but can I trust my surgeons? I trust any book written by Cornell West to give it to me straight and tell me what I need to be doing to make my community a better place but can I trust the anesthesiologist to get the right dose of medicine correct? I know better than to completely trust any politician but can I trust the nurses to empty my fluid tubes and change my dressings? Ugghh....am I paranoid? Probably, but it's where I am right now. Trust is an issue for me.....

Some people have asked me where did I get the name for my blog. One friend stated it was "bold." Hmmm, not sure about bold but here's where it comes from: After my merry go round of mammograms and doctor appointments with my boobs exposed, my final meeting with my breast surgeon as well as the plastic surgeon both came up with similar results as to why a mastectomy, single or plural was the very last resort....to save the breast for pleasure reasons. WHAT??? are they kidding me? Is that the only reason? Did you pay a bunch of money in medical school to be able to spew that s**t to women? My breasts were used to feed my children for a total of 24 months between all three....hence the sagging.....and as far as I am concerned they have fulfilled their mission. I was attached to my 21 years old boobs....not these 42 year old puppies.

If the goal was to preserve them for pleasure reasons then should I have been asked where my pleasure is derived from? Here we go with trust again. I trust the doctors to be straight with me and ask me pertinent questions. I am not paying them to think for me. So, I simply stated, thus the title of my blog......Damn the Breast, SAVE MY LIFE.....

Humility....

After almost missing my conference call with my writer's group due to daylight savings time, which AZ does not recognize, my day was good........ informative, bizarre, sad, enlightening, and fulfilling, but above all else humbling. My hubby and I trekked to the other side of town to Scottsdale Healthcare to the Virginia Piper Cancer center. Had it not been for the "cancer" part you would have thought it was a resort. Lush grounds, greeters at the door, friendly service....no foul odors..... We went because my surgeons told me it was a place that I could receive a "special" gift from a store called Tina's Treasures and they would be able to help me with choosing an appropriate bra and other undergarments. What I got was so much more.

I was immediately greeted by Mee (don't want to use names unless I have permission) and she was delightful. She took the card my doctor sent me with and asked a volunteer to get my "special gift." She then asked for my insurance card and driver's license. Being the New Yorker that I am, I asked why. She said, "oh whatever you get we will make sure the insurance company pays for it." I thought, hot diggity, I won't have to spend my light bill money on some falsies!

The volunteer emerged with this large tote bag filled with all kinds of items....2 pillows for each arm sewed by volunteers, a journal, water bottle, sunscreen, smaller tote bag, a recovery pin, and the best of all....a certificate for a massage!! Before I could take all of that in another very delightful woman, Cee came to get me and took me to a back room. Hubby sat and waited patiently with the PING reading materials we received from Sarah and James;)

Cee introduced me to the director of the store Bee where we chatted about what brought me there. Before I knew it Bee told me she was a 3 year survivor and had pulled her top and bra off for me to see "her work done." Now I normally don't touch a friends boobs until at least the 3rd meeting and probably would have said...."b***h put your shirt down!" but before you knew it I was holding her breasts and feeling the silicone! It would make for a great scene in a movie, just make sure Halle Berry plays me o.k.?......I surprise myself sometimes. It turns out Bee and I have more in common that we both bargained for that day...her surgical team will be my surgical team, so I got a birdseye view....literally of what "their finished work" looks like. She comforted me and reassured me that they were the best and would take care of me. It also turns out her husband works for a local college and may be in need of some instructors. Some fake boobs and a job prospect, who could ask for any more?

Then Cee told me she had numerous lumpectomies and could not bring herself to remove her entire breasts but she admired women who did. She made me sad. We didn't go into why she would not have her breasts removed she just looked like she didn't want to talk about it, so I know when to back off. Then another lady came in for some paperwork and she too was a survivor.

Every woman that worked their had their own story of loss and triumph and for the first time I felt like I was not alone. I have been feeling a little on the outside lately....needing help, asking for favors, making sure things are just "right" when my mom comes....not that she cares, and even though I have Kelly and Diane to turn to I still felt (feel) like nobody knows how defeated I really feel....I guess you will after reading this....

So I received a bra, camisole, and some falsies, all paid for by my insurance company. I asked Mee how does the insurance pay for it all and she said "we make sure they do." and winked. Ahh...a woman after my own heart, persuasion and threats! I was given an invitation to come back and be fitted for the silicone falsies after my surgery and was on my way.

We then headed to my surgeon's office where he went over the procedure, told me how my incision would be, told me to lean on friends and volunteers and not to vacuum. I thought he knew me better 'cause on a good day I don't vacuum! He even remembered that my hubby was out of work and asked how he was doing.....nobody ever asks how the spouse is doing they just assume he is a basket case, disconnected or clueless or all three sometimes at the same time.

Before I left Bee said something very profound to me. She said I have an "obligation" to tell others my story. WOW....an obligation? She said especially if I am teaching college age students, young or old, I need to tell them. People in my life, strangers, friends of friends.....now I will tell my students after the semester is over....my group can be easily distracted, and I never want my condition to give me excuses so I expect the same from them.

I read once that a humble heart is a sure fire sign that we acknowledge that GOD is the source of everything we are exposed to. Humility is about patience and discovery for me.....and this too will SAVE MY LIFE......