Okay....17 days to go and my nightmare will be over. Today I am mad at cancer and Christians....yea yea I know what some of you will say....it's blasphemy! Well hold on to your britches before you begin to judge me, I might just be talking about your ass.
Now I am not talking about ALL Christians, just the inauthentic ones. You know them, they sit right next to you at church or live across the street from you. For example: A few weeks ago my neighbor was car jacked. The perpetrators were caught and at their preliminary hearing all of these people were coming out if the woodwork about how GOD fearing they were....yea, really? These young men not only pistol whipped the husband, they stole the car containing the specially made wheelchair and car seat for their mentally retarded daughter. Christians? Just not that day I suppose.
Christians in the last 2 days have questioned my decision to have this operation. One ignorant woman went so far as to ask, "isn't that elective surgery?" I simply stated, "Did you elect to be stupid?" I hope she never talks to me again, I have let people go before and will not hesitate to put you on the list for a comment like that. Some people reading this know who she is....I hope you pass this to her.
I am mad at cancer because it is not allowing me to fight my battles with fervor and tenacity. I am mad at cancer because my plan and purpose have been halted. I am mad at cancer period.....but through all of this I am faithful in the exercises of HIS judgement and not man's because GOD has a way of leveling the playing field for all of us.
You see, when the Pharoah attempted to trap and destroy the Israelites against the mighty Red Sea, his evil couldn't because the justice of GOD took over. In Daniel 13:1-63 Susanna would have died at the hands of two angry and hate filled men, but it was the justice of GOD that prevailed. In Job 42:10-17 he would have been forgotten had it not been for GOD's justice.
Here is what I know today....GOD's justice is activated like a fierce volcano for us because he genuinly loves us and wants our image to be in his likeness....now I fall short of this everyday. Some days I fall so short I roll down the hill and bump my head, keep rolling and keep bumping. I didn't mean to preach here I just was led to it....THE DEVIL IS A LIAR....
But in this journey I call life, some days I will feel threatened, looking at life and all it's possibilities as unfair, like today....but my faith is never halted. My faith is seeing me through. My faith allows me to experience the justice of GOD and this will SAVE MY LIFE.....
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Thursday, February 26, 2009
February 26, 2009
I logged in today wanting to talk about those damn insurance companies, but I will save that for another day.
I created this blog with the intention of giving information I have learned and pass it on. I am not a medical doctor and will NEVER give medical advice. It's a resource, albeit public, to deal with my challenges. What I am finding out is that the rewards that I gain will help me along this journey and manifest itself through healing.....I am overwhelmed by the response I have received in creating this blog.
My support community consists of doctors, lawyers, professors, educators, students, TV personalities (yea, I know people:) stay-at-home moms....family, friends, and strangers. The women I have connected with who have been down this road are my strength and source of inspiration.
One of the things I am learning is that my needs and feelings are changing. My mood is high, my resilience is even higher, but......I must be aware to reach out for support....I cannot expect people to know what I need.....my support community is good, but not that good!! I must remain focused and keep my energy in line and keep unhealthy distractions to a minimum.
I have had to let some people into my world and let some people go.....realizing that cancer affects everyone who cares or ever cared about you is a humbling experience....but it is with divine order that this will ultimately SAVE MY LIFE.....
I know that every person has their own way of dealing with this condition, and here is where I find my peace.....in the eye of the hurricane.....
I created this blog with the intention of giving information I have learned and pass it on. I am not a medical doctor and will NEVER give medical advice. It's a resource, albeit public, to deal with my challenges. What I am finding out is that the rewards that I gain will help me along this journey and manifest itself through healing.....I am overwhelmed by the response I have received in creating this blog.
My support community consists of doctors, lawyers, professors, educators, students, TV personalities (yea, I know people:) stay-at-home moms....family, friends, and strangers. The women I have connected with who have been down this road are my strength and source of inspiration.
One of the things I am learning is that my needs and feelings are changing. My mood is high, my resilience is even higher, but......I must be aware to reach out for support....I cannot expect people to know what I need.....my support community is good, but not that good!! I must remain focused and keep my energy in line and keep unhealthy distractions to a minimum.
I have had to let some people into my world and let some people go.....realizing that cancer affects everyone who cares or ever cared about you is a humbling experience....but it is with divine order that this will ultimately SAVE MY LIFE.....
I know that every person has their own way of dealing with this condition, and here is where I find my peace.....in the eye of the hurricane.....
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
February 25, 2009 continued...
So my surgeon was tall, personable, not bad to look at (which is a good trait when you are touching my breast) and incredibly warm hearted. He spoke softly and succinctly, never using terms I needed a medical dictionary for and even showed me through a magnifying lens what he would be taking out. He did not wear a lab coat, which I noticed right away and he didn't have on those funny clogs that look like he was going to garden instead of perform surgery. By all accounts he was okeedokee by me.
The surgery was scheduled for January 15th and I was a nervous wreck until then. You see, prior this trip I have always been calm, cool and collected. I have a definitive yet free flowing set of thoughts and I am not afraid to tell people what I think because I think my opinion counts.
Well this time I was not in control so I found things that I could control. My schoolwork, (I am a Doctoral student for those who don't know)my household (children and husband included) and anything else that got in my path. I controlled it because on January 15th I would go to sleep, let this man, on that day, cut me open and hope he doesn't leave a sponge inside of me.
So the surgery, by all accounts was a success, I woke up with bandages and had the overwhelming urge to vomit. But I felt like it's time to take control again. I am not going to throw up in front of these nurses so that they can clean it up and talk about me when I left. Nope not me. I would just lay there till my mother got me dressed with that knot in safely in my throat. I didn't want to throw up in the car because it was my car....so I just held it.
I got home, slept a little and then my mom fed me lasagna and yup you guessed it....I spewed pasta and marinara right into a bucket that I prayed my husband did not need for something important. After about 2 rounds of this I was done. My mom...bless her heart....did not read where I could only have clear liquids for 24-48 hours...okay lesson learned. Ya see my need for control comes from her whether she admits it or not. She has old school ways and she comes from "the baby didn't eat so the baby need to be fed school". We won't be doing that again will we mom:)
After a few days I was up and about, received meals, flowers, cards and well wishes from friends and family. My follow up appointment was good, my margins were clear....a term used to signify that all of the yucky cells didn't have roots.....there was just one slight problem....The tissue they removed was not atypical hyperplasia, it was carcinoma in situ. In short this means cancer within the duct...I think it's Latin or something. Again I hear the Charlie Brown adults but I was healing well and a healthy dose of radiation was suggested as a preventative measure.
So I trot on over to the radiation oncologist and as nice as he was, tells me the procedure that I am a candidate for. Now this is important because many women do not necessarily know about the Brachy Therapy. Some are not candidates others are not offered I guess...but I'm here to tell ya, this method (in a different form of course) has been used on men for about 20+ years for prostate cancer and only on women for 5 or so. Go figure.... save the weenie at all costs....
This doctor sends me for a new mammogram and after about a week I get a phone call that I need to go back to my surgeon because the results are not favorable. What?? I thought they got it all? I thought my margins were clear? Now I was pissed. I wanted to cuss my surgeon out...all the nurses because I thought they should have had a sistah's back...and I was convinced I would be on CNN choking the hell out of him.
So I continue with my trot to my scheduled appointment and he stated the latest films were blurred and mumbled something about no diseased tissue seen and then I said okay doc, here's what were gonna do....send me to a different place for a digital mammo and we will talk afterwards.
The digital mammo was great....the machine is named the Lorad and I was able to see my throat it was so clear and have my reading immediately with the radiologist. Nope, no waiting and nervous as hell till the results come in. Great machine, I highly recommend you tell your radiologist to dispose of the antiquated machines and get this one....and when the next man invents a new one get that one too. You guys do know a man invented this right....no woman in her right or wrong mind would ever had conjured that machine up....
Okay, so after all of this I am at the point where I am now....not only did I have 1 lesion which the original radiologist saw, I have 2-3 significant lesions, and about 3-4 smaller ones. My options were discussed with me....1. To do nothing and "monitor" the lesions. I don't want my breasts to be "monitored" the government does enough of that...2. Have another lumpectomy and hope that after removing all of this tissue I will have no recurrences and "hope" I don't look deformed or 3. Retire these babies that are saggin', laggin', draggin' and baggin' and get a perky saline replacement which will SAVE MY LIFE.....
The surgery was scheduled for January 15th and I was a nervous wreck until then. You see, prior this trip I have always been calm, cool and collected. I have a definitive yet free flowing set of thoughts and I am not afraid to tell people what I think because I think my opinion counts.
Well this time I was not in control so I found things that I could control. My schoolwork, (I am a Doctoral student for those who don't know)my household (children and husband included) and anything else that got in my path. I controlled it because on January 15th I would go to sleep, let this man, on that day, cut me open and hope he doesn't leave a sponge inside of me.
So the surgery, by all accounts was a success, I woke up with bandages and had the overwhelming urge to vomit. But I felt like it's time to take control again. I am not going to throw up in front of these nurses so that they can clean it up and talk about me when I left. Nope not me. I would just lay there till my mother got me dressed with that knot in safely in my throat. I didn't want to throw up in the car because it was my car....so I just held it.
I got home, slept a little and then my mom fed me lasagna and yup you guessed it....I spewed pasta and marinara right into a bucket that I prayed my husband did not need for something important. After about 2 rounds of this I was done. My mom...bless her heart....did not read where I could only have clear liquids for 24-48 hours...okay lesson learned. Ya see my need for control comes from her whether she admits it or not. She has old school ways and she comes from "the baby didn't eat so the baby need to be fed school". We won't be doing that again will we mom:)
After a few days I was up and about, received meals, flowers, cards and well wishes from friends and family. My follow up appointment was good, my margins were clear....a term used to signify that all of the yucky cells didn't have roots.....there was just one slight problem....The tissue they removed was not atypical hyperplasia, it was carcinoma in situ. In short this means cancer within the duct...I think it's Latin or something. Again I hear the Charlie Brown adults but I was healing well and a healthy dose of radiation was suggested as a preventative measure.
So I trot on over to the radiation oncologist and as nice as he was, tells me the procedure that I am a candidate for. Now this is important because many women do not necessarily know about the Brachy Therapy. Some are not candidates others are not offered I guess...but I'm here to tell ya, this method (in a different form of course) has been used on men for about 20+ years for prostate cancer and only on women for 5 or so. Go figure.... save the weenie at all costs....
This doctor sends me for a new mammogram and after about a week I get a phone call that I need to go back to my surgeon because the results are not favorable. What?? I thought they got it all? I thought my margins were clear? Now I was pissed. I wanted to cuss my surgeon out...all the nurses because I thought they should have had a sistah's back...and I was convinced I would be on CNN choking the hell out of him.
So I continue with my trot to my scheduled appointment and he stated the latest films were blurred and mumbled something about no diseased tissue seen and then I said okay doc, here's what were gonna do....send me to a different place for a digital mammo and we will talk afterwards.
The digital mammo was great....the machine is named the Lorad and I was able to see my throat it was so clear and have my reading immediately with the radiologist. Nope, no waiting and nervous as hell till the results come in. Great machine, I highly recommend you tell your radiologist to dispose of the antiquated machines and get this one....and when the next man invents a new one get that one too. You guys do know a man invented this right....no woman in her right or wrong mind would ever had conjured that machine up....
Okay, so after all of this I am at the point where I am now....not only did I have 1 lesion which the original radiologist saw, I have 2-3 significant lesions, and about 3-4 smaller ones. My options were discussed with me....1. To do nothing and "monitor" the lesions. I don't want my breasts to be "monitored" the government does enough of that...2. Have another lumpectomy and hope that after removing all of this tissue I will have no recurrences and "hope" I don't look deformed or 3. Retire these babies that are saggin', laggin', draggin' and baggin' and get a perky saline replacement which will SAVE MY LIFE.....
February 25, 2009
I have officially entered the blogosphere world!! I am a blogginator, bloggologist, and bloggodoctor....hahahaha....
Now on to the reason I am here:) The prompt for this public display of my inner self was the fact that on March 17, 2009 if all goes well with the pre-op processes I will undergo a double mastectomy.
How did I get to this place? For those that don't know here it goes:
On October 24, 2008 I walked into the radiologists office to have my yearly exam. This was my 8th mammogram and I had no trepidation that this would be like the other 7 diagnoses "some calcifications, no evidence of abnormal cells"...yea yea heard ot before expected to hear it again.
Well this day was different, I just would not find out until a week when I was called to do an ultrasound. At that appointment on November 5th, the radiologist stated she saw some abnormal cells and would like to biopsy the area. She might as well have been a grown up from the Charlie Brown cartoons because after abnormal I heard whomp, whomp, whomp, whomp, whomp....
I had a biopsy on my right breast on November 23rd and received the results November 24th. There goes the Charlie Brown voice again because I had to have my cousin doctor Carol (yes I said cousin doctor) call the radiologist to confirm that I heard I have atypical hyperplasia and she was recommending a lumpectomy.
Thanksgiving was spent with some dear friends, a lot of food and rest....
On December 8th I met with my surgeon-to-be and I was still not believing this was happening. My breasts? Cutting them open? These breasts have served me well how could they just slice one them? Wasn't there a laser that could just zap those ugly cells without the anesthesia and exposing myself to strangers? I guess not because that was not an option I was given.
Now on to the reason I am here:) The prompt for this public display of my inner self was the fact that on March 17, 2009 if all goes well with the pre-op processes I will undergo a double mastectomy.
How did I get to this place? For those that don't know here it goes:
On October 24, 2008 I walked into the radiologists office to have my yearly exam. This was my 8th mammogram and I had no trepidation that this would be like the other 7 diagnoses "some calcifications, no evidence of abnormal cells"...yea yea heard ot before expected to hear it again.
Well this day was different, I just would not find out until a week when I was called to do an ultrasound. At that appointment on November 5th, the radiologist stated she saw some abnormal cells and would like to biopsy the area. She might as well have been a grown up from the Charlie Brown cartoons because after abnormal I heard whomp, whomp, whomp, whomp, whomp....
I had a biopsy on my right breast on November 23rd and received the results November 24th. There goes the Charlie Brown voice again because I had to have my cousin doctor Carol (yes I said cousin doctor) call the radiologist to confirm that I heard I have atypical hyperplasia and she was recommending a lumpectomy.
Thanksgiving was spent with some dear friends, a lot of food and rest....
On December 8th I met with my surgeon-to-be and I was still not believing this was happening. My breasts? Cutting them open? These breasts have served me well how could they just slice one them? Wasn't there a laser that could just zap those ugly cells without the anesthesia and exposing myself to strangers? I guess not because that was not an option I was given.
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