Damn the breast....Save my LIFE....

A New Decade

2010-01-07T16:09:00.000-08:00

So here I am in a new decade…been lucky to have lived through 4 and would love to live through another 4 and beyond. So what do I need to do to make that happen? What can I control? Well, I’m back with the crazy nutritionist and maybe this time I will listen to her. So this year will be spent honoring one of my intentions and removing the unwanted fat from my girth.
I spoke to a sorority sister today and she asked me where do I find my ‘hope’. I told her when people try everything else instead of ‘him’ meaning GOD then they are just running in circles. It was interesting because in 1Peter 3:15 that particular passage tells Christians to be ready when someone asks you for your reason for hope. How good I feel about being obedient!! Hahaha!! Without even knowing I’m being obedient!!
So, I started to go to a Zumba class. It’s a Latin dance which burns about 800+ calories per session. My teacher is a little bitty ball of fire and I can tell you that I have not shaken my ass like that since I was 20 years old!! Thank you Stacy for introducing me to Zumba in Boston!!
I am working on my salt addiction as well…nothing against Mrs. Dash…she just doesn’t do it for me…but I’m working on it.
I go see my surgeon next week. Must see him every 3 months for right now, so I will certainly be updating my progress when I see him. So for now I continue to Honor My Intentions and Intentionally Be Honorable…..

Intention and Honor

2009-12-18T10:02:00.000-08:00

I have just returned from a weekend of laughter, sisterhood and respite. For the past 5 years I have been meeting friends in a different city for all of the above and more. What this weekend does for me is rejuvenate, confirm and sustain me for the coming year. This year the numbers of women were increased because we received a tour of the White House and special tour of the Capitol. I have also gained new friends who I will cherish for a lifetime! Through my time in DC I meditated and really thought about what I wanted for
2010. I was reminded by a great saying from Shawshank Redemption….get busy livin’ or get busy dyin’…..

2010 will be the year of Intention and Honor for me.

I will Honor GOD by doing and not being doubtful

I will Honor my body by losing unhealthy weight

I will Honor my marriage by paying attention to the love and less worry about the socks on the floor

I will Honor my children by being present, listening and understanding(especially with my teenager) without abdicating my mommy status

I will Honor my scholarly life by devoting time to my studies and get that dissertation written! I will write my dissertation from intention as this means I have recognized and value my audience…the benefits for whoever reads it is to define a purpose helping to create a clear and determined message for the academic world….I will focus on the vein in the leaf…..

I will Honor my relationships by only surrounding myself with positive people…here’s what I know for sure…..we all have stormy seas in our life, but people who are engulfed by misery and commiserate with others like them bring chaos and confusion to a community…..I will reduce ad hominem conversation…..

I will Honor my finances by spending money in places that honor me as a customer and reducing wasteful spending

I will Honor the planet by getting my compost garden back in full swing and recycling more

I have decided in 2010 I will live the life I deserve and Do what GOD sent me here to do and the bonus is SAVING MY LIFE…….

See you after the NEW YEAR!

Coming up for air.....

2009-11-25T20:33:00.000-08:00

It just never ends….The past few weeks have been hectic to say the least. I returned to the emergency room with a busted foot. I wish I could tell you that I was saving a child from drowning or responding to a suicide call….nope….I was walking into my house and hyper extended my foot….have been dealing with the pain for weeks…jeez….
I have been to 1 wedding and 2 funerals in the past month….and what I realized was…Some things are worth the money…like traveling to see my high school buddy find the love of her life...Love is worth it….divorce rate is high, people are not caring for their kids…too consumed in reliving their childhood….getting married for ALL the wrong reasons….I believe in love…because when a man loves you it’s evident and you don’t have to ask….does he love me??? …At the wedding ….the groom thanked GOD for her…that’s a man in love….
I attended my 3rd year residency for my Doctoral studies and received a 98.5 on my qualifying exam…I am mad at the points deducted…I will try harder next time:)

So most of my 6 weeks hiatus from my blog was hectic and now that the year is coming to a close it’s time for a spiritual check up. Here’s my plan:
1. I won’t question my faith, I will question my doubts.
2. I will grow as I relate
3. I will practice mind management….I think some people are stupid therefore I treat them that way….I’m working on this….
4. I will discard any and all things that distract me from GOD
5. I promise to forgive those who have hurt me….

And most importantly on this Thanksgiving eve…I will be immersing myself in gratitude….this time last year I was resting after having a biopsy that as we know would lead to my bi-lateral mastectomy….so grateful am I for I have been given a chance to grow, love and share….while SAVING MY LIFE…..

Journeys'

2009-10-13T10:42:00.000-07:00

For the Love of Peete…..I need a medical detox….last week I spent my Wednesday night in emergency with my youngest son and a badly sprained forearm….and this injury has sidelined him from his football career and today I get a call that my daughter….my 7 year old has high cholesterol. How does a 7 year old get high cholesterol? I guess the same way her mama with no medical history of breast cancer has both of her breasts removed at 42 that’s how…..a medical detox indeed….this has been a week for tragedies….my cousin died from a massive heart attack and a family from the kids’ old school came home to find their husband/father dead. I have some really good friends going through serious medical concerns and through it all I am writing a dissertation, working, taking care of the house and family, helping a dear friend edit her book and running businesses….life is just hectic and I am grateful to be a part of it!!!

So I go to my breast surgeon and he gives me the green light, tells me my pathology reports all look good and see ya in a year. I go to the plastic surgeon and he clears me to finally get my tattooed areolas. So my surgical journey is coming to an end and here’s what I am learning:

My real journey is just beginning
I can’t control everything but I can try to control everything
I need to do what I was sent to do and I am figuring out that it includes Redefining the Impossible
My perfect bra is a sweatshirt
I continue to hold true friends near and wish my enemies dear (haha it rhymes)
Working on my dissertation has allowed me to write intentionally as I grow powerfully

Today is my birthday and as I get older here is what I know for sure….life is like an all you can eat buffet….what cold should be hot, what’s floppy should be stiff and we should learn to love it all……I know I am while I am SAVING MY LIFE……

Hypocrisy

2009-09-27T20:16:00.000-07:00

The more things change the more they stay the same. Have you ever had the overwhelming desire to just slap the snot outta somebody?

Hypocrisy….. Yup I said it and I am about to call some people out…..last week my oldest sons football team played they’re old school. Yup the school I pulled all three of my kids from which was the best decision I could have made. Now most of the former parents I saw were decent, they always have been. With all groups you have idiots and the former school is no exception. Here are the highlights: One parent who shall remain nameless because even though I will call a person out I cannot afford a lawsuit, said to a kid as she went to their side of the field to say hi to former classmates…. “Boy your brave”….one of the coaches told my son “Hey Hunley (blank) is too quick for you”….wtf??? Don’t try to play mental games on my son….he’s like his mother, trash talking only challenges and motivates him.

I am incredibly proud of his independence and ability to brush it off. After the game he didn’t lament on the loss he relished in a good grade on his history exam and told me about his Religion and Math test..that’s my boy!! He’s independent, determined and fearless like his mother…Pick your battles and choose your wars I tell my kids and his battle is Math his war is Science. Pick on kids your own size too….bullies….I saw him laughing at one point so I'm pretty sure he was laughing at the ignorance of this coach…..What I find incredibly interesting is they didn’t say it where the parents could hear….what cowards…..I actually went to speak to the coaches and kids….I wish I would have known then that this coach said that to my son, I would have called his trifling ass out right there…..but GOD was with me and knew that stress is not what I need…..cause one thing I have learned with my condition is being civilized is part of being an adult.

Being Christian is who I am and if I need to pray a little harder to stay stress free and keep my hands to myself then that’s what I need to do…..now don’t get it twisted, let me hear them talking to my kid that way and the gloves are off. Luckily these assholes said it where I couldn’t hear and my son didn’t tell me until we were home…..keep my kids out of it….and coach your own kids….what is funny is even though the boys lost the game they played their hearts out….and by the way my son played awesome as he always does. And at 12, 13 and 14 what is losing a game to which when it’s over no one walks away with a check?

Ya see I’m an intellectual snob. I admit it and I carry that title well. I love the competition of the game…any game…but at the end of the day if you can’t read, write and do arithmetic your skills on the field mean nothing. It stands to reason my dissertation topic is centered on athletes, coaches, mentoring and behavior. So for any coaches out there who coach young kids….lighten up….and pssstt**P.S. the NFL called and they’re not coming to see your kid, my kid or any of the other pre-pubescent little tykes out there just wanting to have fun**….jerks.

So the hypocrisy comes when people are too busy thumping their Bibles to actually read it…….

Because when I am at my best, just like my kid, we radiate the right energy that draws the best people and situations helping us to accomplish superior achievements in all corners of our lives…..

This means that we don't get caught up in what other people think about us. I am teaching my children not to get caught up in achievement the way society classifies it. Instead, I want my kids to carve out their own meaning of success, beat any odds you come in contact with, focus on being the best human being you can and help your mama SAVE HER LIFE…….

The stitches are gone!!!!

2009-09-15T12:26:00.000-07:00

But…..the edema is back. Luckily it’s only on one side so I can live with it. It can be painful at times but as I reflect and if I am being honest, the only thing I can do when I am in agonizing pain is flow through it with Grace and Dignity. My grandmother would tell me, how you climb the highest mountain is just as important as how you get down from the mountain and this life we live is not a dress rehearsal, so each test I am given is also a lesson I am learning. So I will try harder at getting on the treadmill…choose carrots over chips and hopefully this edema will not last long.

How will I be remembered? When I received my diagnosis, this was the question I asked myself….right after the why me question? As we move through this space we call Earth, the legacy we leave will have a lasting impression on those we leave behind. I want to be remembered for my wit and no nonsense attitude….my low tolerance for bull%$#@, my intentional fortitude but through it all being graceful. Now I’m not dying on anyone, so don’t go planning a memorial…..actually just had a check up and I am waiting for the lab results but I feel good, everything is moving correctly, nothing is hanging out where it’s not supposed to be and pointing in the right direction so I have no worries. I am so grateful for what I have and don’t worry about what I don’t have. In a recent conversation with a friend she related how scared she was about growing old. I told her she would be remembered as a worry wart…..let it go!!!I told her, let it fall!!!

Grace to me means letting my face embrace wrinkles, watching my ass drop faster than a speeding bullet, wondering where my collar bone actually used to be, but through the natural aging process I can lose my body, expand my spirit, find my grace…..while SAVING MY LIFE…..

2009-09-06T13:18:00.000-07:00

Is it me?? Or has the world collectively lost their cotton pickin’ minds? You got mass murders in Mexico….President Obama now ex-advisor calling people assholes on YouTube and my all time favorite jackass of the century is the "pastor" who is crazy enough to tell people that GOD told him President Obama should die….shameless I tell ya, just shameless and disgusting. Things like this send me into a tizzy. My nutritionist….bless her skinny heart….tells me that stress keeps weight on a person. Well I need to stop watching the news before I am 850 pounds!!

Matthew 21:22 tells me “If you believe you will get anything you want in prayer.” Well I am praying for not only myself and healing (will get to my latest boob drama in a minute) but we need to pray as a country and not be so divisive. I never wanted to use my blog as a political platform….but I am compelled to do so today. How are you to call yourself a man of the cloth, wishing another dead? And a family heartache? How can a man who supposedly preaches the good news of Christ each week justify the destruction of another and then hide behind his version of the Bible? MY BIBLE does not tell me to hate and malign people. Even if you do not agree with a person’s politics or personal beliefs…to wish them dead takes it to a whole new level. Boy I’m sure glad he wasn’t in my prayer circle for the last 9 months or else I would have ended up in harm’s way!!!!! So I guess my lesson in allowing myself to even give his callous and despicable words voice on my blog is to watch who you ask to pray for you. Make sure the people praying for you are in alignment with your beliefs and values or you could end up in a bad bad place…..President Obama should read Psalm 139:5 where it tells me “GOD has protected you from harm”....that is all he and his family will need….or like my dear friend Diane says…get the Hoover out and start getting up all the dirt in your life….!!! Okay enough of my soapbox….

Went to the doc this week and I thought I was going to begin the tattooing of my areola to look more womanly….well that was a fleeting thought as some of my stitches are being stubborn and won’t fall out. I asked if he would just pluck them out and I received a frown and a firm no. I’m not going to take too many more of those no answers either….

So I must wait a month….this is truly a test of my patience. On my way home I almost wanted to tell him, never mind, I will live without looking normal and I then remember GOD doesn’t give up that easily so why should I? When Joseph’s brother’s dropped him in a pit, GOD didn’t give up…OR when the Israelites wanted Egyptian slavery instead of honey and milk, GOD didn’t give up. So, I wait another month, big deal. Some people didn’t have the options I have or the blessings I have experienced bestowed upon them, so I told myself to shut up and drove home.

Another interesting development was that my new boobs are lopsided….not much, actually just slightly but my doc stated we may do another surgery to “correct it”….I say hell to the no…..It’s not happening….they will have to strap me down and inject me with the most powerful sedative, against my will for that to happen. They were not perfect before and their not gonna be perfect now….period. My mission is not aesthetics….as always it is to....... SAVE MY LIFE……..

Fruit....

2009-08-30T12:29:00.001-07:00

So as I slowly come out of my denial….the light at the end of the tunnel is dim but not black. I have been swamped with work, kids and school to where I just shut down, lived through my procrastination and acted like I was in control. This is worse than actually being in control because you’re not really in control. Now that I have emerged here’s what I need to do: Stop saying YES when I really need to say NO.

Because I did not want to work on the 2 syllabi I need I told a friend I would help with her resume. I should have told her NO and sent her to a resume writer. Because I did not want to work on chapter 1 of my dissertation, I went to lunch twice in 1 week. They were bonafide business meetings but I could have said, NO, send me the notes I have work to do. Because I did not want to read articles for my dissertation I took a nap.

Procrastination has a nasty hold on me and it’s not good. I did read the material my nutritionist gave me and in one of the pamphlets it stated I am at a higher risk of getting cancer in another part of my body than I was before. I really think that heifer is trying to scare me. First the fruit message, now this…..speaking of the fruit….the whole thing has me freaked out….. …organically grown fruit…versus pesticides….got me wondering about the toxic people I have let go in my life….I have had to assess who are the organic people in my life versus the people who possess attributes of those nasty pesticides….I still have a few more to let go from that list and they know who they are. Even though I have procrastinated about my work, I am getting my personal life in order.

To me, having good friends is like breathing…it requires a conscious awareness of relaxation and a deep exhale. Friendship should not be stressful. If anyone gives me anxiety or pain I have strayed away from them. Now that’s not to say if I have not called any of you in a while this means you….hahaha….it just means I am busy. I just think the pesticides need to be replaced with organic, authentic people. In Galatians 5:22-23, it says “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law." So the fruit I bear will always be organic…..while SAVING MY LIFE…….

Too good not to share

2009-08-21T19:06:00.000-07:00

I am in denial....about so many things....so in an effort to maintain my dysfunction I thought I would share what my friend Pat sent me...all the way from New Orleans....It's hilarious so hold on to your wigs, girdles and depends.....

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will:

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she loved to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs.,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away. '

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him, he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least .

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

This was too funny NOT to share while I am still.......SAVING MY LIFE.......

Water versus Wine

2009-08-20T18:03:00.000-07:00

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine...
and those who don't.

As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
in beer there is freedom,
in water there is bacteria.

I heard.....In a number of carefully controlled trials,
scientists have demonstrated that if we drink
1 liter of water each day,
at the end of the year we would have absorbed
more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria
found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.....my nutritionist will love this!!

However,
we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer
(or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor)
because alcohol has to go through a purification process
of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.....or so I heard....

Remember:

Water = Poop.
Wine = Health.

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
than to drink water and be full of crap.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.....while I SAVE MY LIFE.....

Nutrition gone bad....

2009-08-19T20:58:00.000-07:00

Stitches are out and I feel a little less confined. Will see my doc in 2 weeks and then we talk about tattooing. Ya see in order for me to look whole, I have to have certain areas drawn on….like my areola….for the amount we pay in COBRA insurance I say they can tattoo my entire backside….anyway, saw the nutritionist the same day. Bad idea. Just as I was pumped because I’m healing so well, she gives me the no sugar, no salt lecture. Why is it skinny people think they have all of the answers when it comes to weight? I reminded her that my cholesterol was good, blood pressure was low and I have all of my natural teeth. None of that mattered to her, I got the lecture anyway. She gave me some recipes, none with butter, and tried to get me to consider tofu. Just the thought of tofu makes me wanna throw up in my mouth….so I came home and ate a cup of raspberries….with my chocolate cake….don’t judge me….

She also gave me information on organic fruit. This got my head to spinning, what REALLY is the difference? What is so harmful about pesticides? Do they really preserve the fruit? And if they are so harmful why in the sam hill would the FDA not regulate it better? SHE said…..organic fruit does not contain the pesticides which allow them to grow in a more holistic…ie organic way. She said the pesticides can strip the fruit/meat/vegetable of its nutrients, thus starving a human of all the benefits of those nutrients. Well damn is all I could say. I’m not saying I will buy organic all the time, but I will do my best and wash my veggies/meat/fruit a little better while…..SAVING MY LIFE…..

Community

2009-08-13T18:24:00.000-07:00

I think I am going to get a grant to have a wing of ANY hospital named after the Hunley family. Last Wednesday my oldest son goes to the emergency room with a toe the size of a golf ball. Yup, the same son that broke his finger a few months ago……he had a hairline fracture which will heal in a couple of weeks, thank goodness. Until then, he has to tape the neighbor toe to the bum toe…they call it ‘buddy taping’ and he has crutches if he needs them. I’m thinking the Hunleys’ need a healthcare bailout reform overhaul…geez….

So my hubby and I go to a new parent meeting at the kids new school and it looked more like a reunion because of all of the families….good families….that have transferred their children. One thing that made me sad was that I feel like we are starting over. We were set in our community and comfortable. Now we are uprooted and starting anew. But isn’t that what life is about? I know a little something about change....The community is strong and the families were welcoming, something that I have missed in the last year or so.

The first day of school was wonderful. The children were greeted by teachers, aides, staff and clergy. It was great. The parents were treated to coffee and snacks….this is what community is all about and as long as my kids are comfortable, happy, adjusted…then Mommy is happy. Oh yea…the school has a clothing closet. All used uniforms can be retrieved from the closet and all they ask in return is that when your kids outgrow the uniforms, as long as they look decent, just donate them back. I wish I would have known before I spent $$$ on new uniforms!!! I told a girlfriend back East who is the PTA president and she thought this was such a great idea it was implemented right away. This is what community is all about…..

My doc appt this week went well. He will take out my stitches next week and then I begin another round of physical therapy. This time for longer. Not having raised my arms above my head for some time now has been rather uncomfortable but hey…the alternative was worse. I also meet the evil nutritionist next week. She’s supposed to give me recipes. If they don’t have butter in them I know they will be nasty. Ya see, butter to me is the greatest natural wonder. It might be the 8th wonder of the world….if not I should nominate it as such. The smooth creamy texture, lightly salted taste is simply heaven. I love it on popcorn, fish, bread….just about everything. One might say I’m addicted. I really believe it’s Love:) So while I feel good, inside and out, trying to stay sane in a crazy world, keeping my family safe and trying my best to get on that treadmill….I have to remember it’s all in an effort to……SAVE MY LIFE……

Hand up or hand out?

2009-08-04T19:04:00.000-07:00

I received a phone call from the hospital asking me how the service was. You don’t get a card in the mail to fill out anymore a real live person calls and asks your opinion. I told the person my pee pee story and could swear I felt a smile over the phone. I let her know that while I thought it was common for this to happen, a note to the patient or family that they had just messed their pants would be nice. In addition, if they could supply you with some disposable drawers that could add to the level of customer service received….just a thought.

So I get my bandages off and my boobs are not exactly what I thought they would be. They are firm, but the swelling is overshadowing the perkiness and I don’t have a real nipple. I know TMI….I have a flap of skin hanging from each boob in preparation for the nipple. It’s quite an intricate process one that I am learning to embrace. I actually thought I would care what I look like….but I don’t. My come to Jesus meeting some weeks ago has me focused on inner beauty. It’s nice to feel like a woman again, even if it’s not all the way, but it’s better to be alive than care what my boobs look like….

So what’s all the hoopla over healthcare? I received an email from someone today regarding President Obama’s plan on healthcare and how bad it is. First let me say if anybody sends out political emails from your work address please stop. Your company is paying you to work. Second, do the research on who you are sending the email to. If anyone needed a health care plan it’s the Hunley house and I could care less whose name is attached to it. This is not ignorance….it’s desperation. This is not about democrat or republican it’s about saving a life. Socialism? Hahaha….what is Medicare? Medicaid? Food Stamps? VA benefits? Section 8 housing? As my friend Quiana says…the U.S. government is the biggest master planned community this planet has. I don’t think what she said is funny it’s just the truth….

I haven’t always been a part of the needy in America…..and I currently have a great job. It’s just that our society would rather pay millions to athletes than teachers. So since I have no chance of making the defensive line for the Cardinals, you know the short thing gets in the way….I’ll stick to teaching.

So the lesson I gave this person is while you want me to believe that a plan that was so called generated by President Obama is some sort of evil plot to move our society into socialism, I say doing nothing will lead me into poverty. The Kennedy bill (I said I wasn’t ignorant) is 1000 pages long and hopefully someone who is voting on this bill will read it, tweak it and oh heaven’s yes actually pass it. I do not plan on being in my financial situation forever, but my goodness while I am there does it have to be a horrible experience because I need help? So if you have a job, great, if you have healthcare, greater….don’t begrudge me because I ask for help in….SAVING MY LIFE…

Happy and healing...

2009-08-02T17:38:00.000-07:00

Well I am upright and lucid and that’s all I can ask for right now. My surgery went well, I am having minimal pain…really only discomfort and as long as I stay on this side of the dirt I am doing ok. There are some personal parts to this blog entry so you might want to remove small children before reading and limit your liquids as you might find yourself laughing and spewing…..

The night before I go into the hospital I get a message from a friend of mine. Let me preface this message by saying what NOT to do before someone you love goes into the hospital for her 3rd major surgery. Ok…my friend leaves me a message stating she is having a rough day. She was downsized a few weeks ago; she did get a severance and has not been able to get a job. Now, while I empathize with her…I snapped. I told her to stop her silly whining…suck it up and flip burgers if she had to. My hubby has been out of work for 8 months, I’ve got unopened medical bills, preparing for my 3rd surgery and 3 kids in private school…do your sniveling on somebody else’s time. Now, we are old college buddies and I can say this to her, but this should be a lesson to not let your personal problems seep into a person who is about to go under the knife in less than 24 hours. I could have talked behind her back, but I would rather tell it how it is. Keep in mind….negativity is a sure fire way to stop getting invited to events…..

So, I show up bright eyed and bushy tailed for my surgery and even drove myself…keeping that control until the last minute. Check in was a breeze and I was on the gurney within 30 minutes of arrival. By the way, I went to a different hospital because I was given the choice to. Because I owe the other hospital I decided not to make waves and go to a different hospital. Sounds trifling, but it was actually very methodical. By the time I need to pay my copay to the new hospital I will have paid the balance at the old hospital. Yup, thought out well in my mind….

The nurse comes in and hooks me up to the IV, the anesthesiologist comes in and my only request to both of them was to not give me the same s*&t that killed MJ. They laughed but I was serious. I told my nurse if you see my anesthesia guy walking the halls after I have been hooked up…call security.

I was awakened in the recovery room by a screaming baby who had just received tubes in her ears. Not the best way to wake up but hell….I WOKE UP….my stomach was queasy and they gave me some stale crackers and warm 7up. The nurse asked me how I felt and I must have mouthed I wanna go home 3 or 4 times till she got it. My throat hurt from the dang tube and that baby was still screaming after what seemed like a really long time!! My mom helped me get dressed, and we noticed a towel between my legs. There was no visible liquid so we brushed it off. My hubby got the car and off I went. Upon further examination of where the towel was situated, when I got home I noticed my undies were wet…yup I peed on myself on the operating table. Am I embarrassed?…nope, they have seen worse I’m sure. Am I mad? yup and I’ll tell ya why.

Now, I blame myself because I should have went before they wheeled me in…the last 2 times I did and I guess I just forgot this time. What really ticked me off was that the nurses sent me home like that!! The least they could have done was pin a note to my gown so the ones I love would have been prepared, but all I was left with was a towel between my legs. Very cruel indeed….I will be including that on my comment card….

My doctor wanted me to be as active as I could and I have been doing a fair share of resting and staying upright. I am wrapped tight like Beyonce in a Versace gown and I get 2 hour intervals of sleep. I received Vicodin this time but just like the Percocet it makes me see strange things and certain parts of my body feel numb so I only take it at night.

Ephesians 5:15-17 tells me that we are to live purposefully using wisdom as sensible and intelligent people. This means to make the most of the time we are given on this earth and not brood over trivial things or things we cannot change. My mission going forward is to make time alone for GOD to know how to use my time while SAVING MY LIFE….

Learning from mistakes....

2009-07-26T22:08:00.000-07:00

The time has come for me to give up the loaner boobs and receive my permanent ones. I will have another surgery on Thursday and get my B cups. My doc put me on a strict no medicine regimen which I almost didn’t follow. I could not sleep when I first returned from Alaska and really wanted something to take the edge off. I guess if I had been a drug addict I would have said screw the doc and did it anyway…well I’m not and I didn’t so I just stayed up and watched mindless TV till I fell asleep….

Speaking of which….TV ain’t what it used to be. I guess in the last 2 years of graduate school I have missed the entire whoop over reality TV. Who loves who and just about anybody can get a talk show huh? How many kids do you need for a reality show? Eight seems to be the magic number…CNN replays the same stories and some of the other news shows are too angry for me…..I miss Michael Jackson too, I just don’t need to hear it all day……every day…..all day…..

So let me tell the dumbest thing I did story….I was tired of my underarms looking like one of the Geico cavemen and I did not get the results I wanted with a razor so I got some neet….well my underarms were hotter than the devil and I burned my skin…yup I said burned. My doc says my underarms are really sensitive as some lymph nodes were removed on either side and I must stick to razors…when my skin heals of course. I have used aloe vera and cocoa butter and just today am I seeing results, as the dead skin is peeling and the layer underneath can be free….I know….I could get my own reality show….the dumbest things surgical patients do!! If it makes me some dough and I don’t have to take my clothes off (on camera), I’m all for it….hahahaha….

These next 3 days will be spent sending a son off to sleep away camp, getting my kids their new uniforms for school, cooking some of my favorite meals to freeze and making my house comfy for when I return from the hospital. I am told I will be down for another week, but I’m gonna try and get that cut to about 4.5 days…I’ve got things to do….hahaha….I’m still working on that patience and control issue….keeping in mind this is all to SAVE MY LIFE……

Back in the Lower 48

2009-07-20T21:50:00.000-07:00

Well I can scratch Alaska off of my bucket list!!! I am back in the lower 48 (that’s Alaskan talk…hahaha) and had a wonderful experience in Anchorage. Our travel to Anchorage was uneventful with a straight flight from Phoenix. I cramped a little but walked around and stretched my feet.

The people were friendly and had a slow-moving way about them, but generally friendly. I was there for a leadership conference and it was apparent that the locals did not see many professional black women in that area. I’m not being overly sensitive; this was indicative of the stares and many questions wherever we went.

We went site seeing in the mountains and saw the glaciers. It was a breathtaking experience. We rented a car with some other sorority sisters and drove a little over an hour to take a boat tour. I hardly listened to the tour guide or captain as nature spoke for itself.

The rest of the week was spent in meetings so not much for touring. The locale cuisine was quite the experience. The fish was fresh and big….I would make a joke but thought better of it….anywho….the only complaint I have was the service. Because of the relaxed attitude, we were pushing it for lunch most days with a hectic schedule. The food was well worth the wait, just not when you only have a short time to eat.

The one thing that I could not get used to was the 20 hours of freakin’ daylight!! I didn’t know whether to get up or go to bed. It was bizarre!! At 10 pm the sun is shining and if you don’t watch out you could get a second wind and end up in the snack aisle at Walmart….I know this from experience…..

The travel back to the lower 48 (I love the sound that the lower 48 makes on my tongue…teeheehee)…I wonder what we call Alaska instead of Alaska, the upper 1? Naw....anywho our trip back was well….less than uneventful. After having to repack in the line because mom bought too much stuff, I was tired!! Our flight left Anchorage headed to LAX at midnight….note to self…NEVER fly into LAX. Our flight was cancelled, no other flights could accommodate us from LAX, mom and I were tired from flying all night, she was hungry and cussin’ and I swear if it had not been for my current medical situation, I might have slapped someone, in fact I know I would have. Yoga has been good to me.....

Customer service was a joke and unless you talked like you had some sense no one was willing to help you. Luckily for me and them I have sense. I calmed mom down told her to sit down and shut up and handled business. I got us on a late afternoon flight out of Orange County, a free shuttle to OC and now I am tucked safely in my bed. I will end today by saying what we all know….GOD is good and SAVING MY LIFE……

2009-07-13T10:07:00.000-07:00

So I am traveling with my mom today…she’s treating me to a trip to Alaska. Our sorority has a national leadership conference to be held in Anchorage and she chose me as her travel companion. I love my mom. Not just because of this trip but because she actually loves me…unconditionally.

The one thing that I reflect on when I travel is being certain about my relationship with GOD. I don’t know if it’s because I will be away from my kids or the dependence on the pilots to take off and land the big bird safely….probably a combination of both.

When you are certain about your relationship with your higher power you know where you will spend eternity. Hahaha…I may be bad but I’m not going to bust the gates of hell open anytime soon!! Many people think Christianity is about a blind leap of faith. For me it has actually been a combination of intellect, emotions and will. When you have an intellectual understanding of something, you can look upon it from the historical perspective all the way to living through faith. When I get back I will learn when my implant surgery is and just like I have faith in the sober pilots (yes, I check and ask) will get me to my destination safely, I have faith my doctors will schedule this surgery quickly….and with that I am off to Alaska, going to have a fabulous time still….SAVING MY LIFE…..

The light at the end of the tunnel....

2009-07-02T09:08:00.000-07:00

....and it's not the train trying to run me over....So yesterday was my last fill!! Yup, I’m done getting poked and prodded…. I am done. My doc wanted to talk me into getting a small C cup….I said no…ya see I’m still in control. He tries to be in control and some things I cannot get a handle on as much as I try, but my new bra cup size I can. Control is such a nasty trait and I’m working on it, but some things I am not willing to compromise on. I have 500cc’s of saline and I’m good. Now, my skin must rest for 3 weeks and then my consultation for the implant surgery. I don’t know why we could not consult yesterday, I was there, he was there, and even my hubby was there. What’s there to consult about? You take out the expander's; you put in my saline monuments to the world, sew me up and keep going….all this meeting and consulting is getting on my nerves. I’m starting to get impatient again. I just want this to be over.
Speaking of hubby….and I mean what I am about to say in the most loving way….is a pain in the ass to take grocery shopping. I can do the normal shopping but when we go to Sam’s Club I am ready to strangle him. I think he gets excited when he sees the big boxes and bundles of socks. He places things in the cart that are not on the list and then I either take them out or give him a look to take the item out. He pouts like a kid when he can’t have the 800 pound box of Oreos and makes it his mission to find every free sample he can….twice. I like to have my list go in get what I need and leave. He likes to browse the aisles; not missing the samples and picks up anything that catches his eye….it’s annoying as hell. I love him dearly, he puts up with my crazy ass BUT I cannot wait until the day I can go to Sam’s Club alone….
I cannot believe summer is ½ way over…the kids are continuing their summer activities to include summer school which surprisingly they like and I continue to heal. Even though I am impatient and feeling like I need to gain control of everything moving in my life, I continue to pray and summon up the wisdom of spirituality and faith. I am continually exploring diverse pathways to that spiritual fulfillment and vow not to do anything I don’t want to do. This includes invitations for July 4th…I want to be at home, with my family end of story. I get tired of people not understanding why I don’t want to do some thing’s or go certain places. I simply don’t want to….hahaha….I have actually always been like this it’s just been enhanced in the last 6 months. I still struggle with finding meaning in this experience and quiet time at home will allow me to achieve personal growth as well. I have been hyper focused on school, getting assignments done early and I like that feeling. So, if I’m not where people think I should be this weekend, I am actually where I want to be. Remembering that my faith has been the compass to guide me through this is….SAVING MY LIFE….

Laughing....

2009-06-29T18:15:00.000-07:00

I thought we could all use a laugh and my dear friend Diane sent me this so I am passing it on. I would only change Margarita for Martini....but that's me. Enjoy!!

Subject: Important Women's Health Issue-please read, I care about you!!!
* Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
* Do you suffer from shyness?
* Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Margaritas. Margaritas are the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Margaritas can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Margaritas almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Margaritas. Margaritas may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Margaritas. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include: - Dizziness - Nausea - Vomiting - Incarceration - Erotic lustfulness - Loss of motor control - Loss of clothing - Loss of money - Loss of virginity - Table dancing - Headache - Dehydration - Dry mouth - And a desire to sing Karaoke

WARNINGS:
* The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
* The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
* The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to think you can sing.
* The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting. Please share this with other women who may need Margaritas. Thank you.

Love and Loss

2009-06-26T09:55:00.000-07:00

My goodness what a difference a day makes. Michael Jackson dead at the tender age of 50. So talented, iconic….a bit weird but that’s what made him special….his musical talent that is. I still remember my grandmother taking me to the Apollo Theatre to see the Jackson 5 when I was 11. The next time I saw MJ was at Madison Square Garden with the other fans screaming to the top of my lungs. The last time with an equal scream factor as the last 2 concerts…was the Victory tour at the Atlanta Omni….yup I am a bonafide fan. I pray for his children and family.

One of MJ’s songs was man in the mirror where he talks about before you can do good in your life or the world you must take a look at yourself and make that change…..oh how I can relate. Serious illness has a way of bringing to the forefront change. One of the 7 gifts from the Holy Spirit is understanding. One thing I know to be true….we exist because it is GOD’s will for us to do so.

My plan and purpose has become to praise him and give him thanks daily….you can’t do that without understanding. So much time is spent seeking approval from everybody other than the one entity that is responsible for our existence…I am learning that when I fail to understand that GOD’s love is enough, that he will see me through the storm, my life’s mission is failed. Learning to understand, resolving to reflect about love and loss is SAVING MY LIFE….

Busy, busy, busy....

2009-06-21T13:00:00.000-07:00

Happy Father’s Day to all of the Daddies who take care of their babies. To the ones that don’t man up and handle your business. This has been a busy, productive, demanding and just downright hectic week. Between the kids activities and my trying to have meetings and complete some assignments….just hectic. Last Sunday I was working on a paper….so my dear hubby took the kids bowling (with free coupons of course) and whaddya know…they were having a bowl-a-thon for breast cancer. My daughter ended up being team captain and my boys were her team players….I hate I missed it but had to finish my schoolwork….my kids came home proud that in their words “contributed to the cause”….heard that somewhere did ya? So my week started off with going to the doctor on Monday…went earlier in the week because scheduling was going to be a bear….he informed me that I must take a week off to let my skin stretch properly and he says I’m pushing myself to hard….what does he know? He wouldn’t even let me make appt with his wife….he’s being unreasonable I told him…he says he’s not….patted me on the head like a dog, smiled and sent me on my way. I can’t stand him….

So after I leave him disappointed knowing my next injection would not be for 2 weeks I went to see the wicked skinny witch of a nutritionist. The first thing she said was did you do your homework. Homework? I know she asked me a question which I did not completely answer, but was I really supposed to complete homework? This is not supposed to be a job for me…I’m paying her….rather insurance is…. Anywho….we talked about my relationship with food and basically, I eat because I want to. I don’t have any past trauma that I am hiding from…I freakin’ like the taste of food and different textures. I am obsessed with salt and need to cut down on my sugar. I have only been fat for about 6 years this has not been a lifelong struggle and intellectually I know what I need to do. She said she thinks it’s more to it….but she wanted to move on and not push it…..that was best for her. Between her and my doc I’m feeling a little ambushed and I’m gonna kick somebody’s ass…soon….so she felt the vibe and retreated.

My good friend Sarah told me about the biggest loser cookbook….am I a big loser ‘cause I can’t lose weight? Hahaha I pulled some recipes and will try them. She texted me this week and said she had the fried chicken from the book….can’t imagine fried chicken without the flour and lard, but I like to try new things so what the heck….
My cousin doctor Carol told me about Alli, I looked into it, it’s like antabuse for fat people. This pill has disturbing effects if you don’t take it right or eat properly….like you will poop on yourself….uh….I think not…..I’m liable to forget and be the “butt” of jokes and everything unnatural….I will stay with the eating right with low fat foods for now thank you.

Had a slight bit of drama as well….this person who will remain nameless because I cannot pay for a defamation lawsuit was providing a service for my family since I had my second surgery. Well….because we have moved our kids to a different school this hag cut the service off!! Didn’t even have the balls to tell me, the service people did!! No worries, the Hunley house is fine. I guess what bothers me is that I never asked this person to do this for me and now they believe they have the upper hand….they obviously don’t know me that well…hahaha…they need to read Isaiah 58:11 where it talks about how the Lord will always lead you OR Romans 12:2 where it states not to be like others and GOD will decide what is right for you OR 1 Peter 5:10 which tells me that after a point of suffering GOD who gives the grace will make everything right again OR James 5:16 and I quote “When a believing person prays, great things happen”. So while people are obviously still upset with me for making a decision about MY kids they feel they are hurting me by doing stupid s&%t like this….ok wallow in your wounds if you will I am moving up and on….SAVING MY LIFE……

Girth...

2009-06-11T16:55:00.000-07:00

So I go to the doctor and lady doc does my fills. Not too much pain, but I’ve got plenty gain. I am sore from the muscles stretching but what makes me laugh is seeing this 20 year old cleavage on a 40 something body….I will have perky boobs on a sagging butt….so 40 IS the new 20….hahahaha…..speaking of sag….my meeting with the nutritionist did not garner me any new information…carrots instead of cookies; fruit instead of fructose; cauliflower instead of chips. What she did do that my other nutritionist didn’t was ask me to analyze my relationship with food. Analyze? My job is to analyze organizations and people, but food? I took a long time to answer her because I didn’t know how to answer and at that point she was looking like an Oreo...double stuff. I thought ok, I have a palette and I feed it what it wants….that’s the extent of my analysis…she told me to come back next week with a more authentic answer….I don’t like her…

What I did learn was that the choices I make about food today will determine the girth of my ass tomorrow. Is that my analysis? I think not. I could give that to her but something tells me it won’t fly….it’s supposed to be an analysis, my soliloquy sounds like a big purposeful joke….hahahaha…..I’ll sleep on it.

So as I ponder my relationship with food I cannot help but wonder what I will look like after my reconstruction is done. I am swollen, sore and uncomfortable right now but knowing that this is temporary is my consolation. I am not particularly vain but I do not want to look like a cro-magnoid either. So I need to get up off the couch, not eat chips and ice cream and …….SAVE MY LIFE……

***If anyone has some tips for procrastination, please send them with love***

Healthy everything....

2009-06-07T12:42:00.000-07:00

Some weeks ago I realized that I would not be able to participate in the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure, 3 day walk here in Phoenix because it will conflict with my 3rd year residency for school. Just as that happened I received and email from my dear friend Annitra who will do the 3 day walk in North Carolina and I am ecstatic.....that's how GOD works. When I can't do something, I have a friend who will pick up the slack. When I couldn't do grocery shopping I had Yolande, Valerie, Cindy, Dena and Lyssette to do it for us....when I couldn't take my son to choir, Margaret was there and oh my goodness the many meals, gift cards and home cleanings we received.....what a blessing.

So as I dump my trash and hold dear my treasures I am reminded that GOD'S love is transcendent and when people love you they do for you when asked and sometimes just instinctively know what you need. I didn't have to ask Annitra to do the walk for me, she knew it is a great cause and she's stepping in. That's the love shining through from a real girlfriend....friendship to me is like a good hairstyle....whether your grow it or buy it, if it's healthy then it's for me.

Speaking of healthy....I will meet with a nutritionist this week, she will go through healthy eating patterns with me, tell me the good vs bad carbs, go through the benefits of veggies and fruits, send me home with sample menus, wink and tell me to drink more water. If it sounds like I've done this before it's because I have. Intellectually, I know what I need to do to reduce the fat in my ass, but potato chips, martini's and cookies have a hold on me. I have been trying to break free for about 6 years now and they keep finding me. They hide behind the broccoli and call my name when I open the fridge. They are in the snack cabinet and do a little dance when I crack it open. They even find their way into my purse when I go to the convenience store. I must have a talk with myself before I go into my meeting or else I will be tempted to get a Reese's cup on the way home....

So as I enter a new week this morning I read 1Corinthians 13,8, 13 which reminds me faith, hope and love continue forever and the greatest of these is love, so with that I begin a promise that I will consciously be healthy inside and out loving myself while SAVING MY LIFE.....

If you would like to send a donation to Annitra Gwarzo please make sure to enter her name in the memo portion of the check and make all checks payable to:
Komen NC Triangle AffiliateMail
133 Fayetteville Street Suite 300 Raleigh, NC, 27601

Continued patience.....

2009-06-04T11:37:00.001-07:00

Yesterday lady doc took care of me and was just as gentle as she had been previously. Now, her hubby is a “gentle” giant but simplicity is not his forte!! I am up to 350 cc’s and I have a semblance of a cleavage. I am feeling a little “womanly” teeheehee.......

So as my kids’ transition to summer activities I too continue to transition. Lately, I am feeling more discomfort and lady doc told me yesterday that it is to be expected. The more you stretch the muscle the more the body will resist and thus the source of the discomfort. Puberty wasn’t cute at 13 and it’s certainly not cute now…..but this time around it’s a necessary evil. She did try to tell me to skip a week if it gets to be too much but compared to the actual healing from the surgery this is a piece of cake!! In addition, it will put me back for my last surgery and that is not an option. As long as Percocet is available I will continue my weekly appointments….Forge ahead is what I told her!!

Lately I have been reflective of the treasures and trash in my life. Of course treasures include family and friends and I am finding the trash includes anger, disappointment and frustration. It also includes s@*t that just annoys me!! Like the song says….be patient with me, GOD is not through with me yet!! At the urging of my sister friend and coach Gina I am creating collages to remove the trash and keep the treasures in the spotlight…..

I read James 1:2-4 today and it teaches me that patience will show itself in everything you do; with patience you will have everything you need……and patience is SAVING MY LIFE…..

Changes....

2009-05-30T13:15:00.000-07:00

So today I am feeling better…still a little blue and it’s not just from the small bruises where my veins were hit. One of the teacher’s at my kids school sent a note stating this year was bittersweet, she was moving on like about 9/10ths of the entire school. You see this has been a tumultuous year full of regrets, disappointments, a fair share of gossip and innuendos from "Christians" no less….and through it all I am dealing with a health crisis. Ordinarily I would have been in the trenches trying to fight trying to save any ounce of dignity the school had in the Catholic school community but I couldn’t….just physically couldn’t. So I did what any mother who cares about the safety and well being of her children would do: I have registered them at another school. Some may not agree with that decision, but who cares….they are my kids and I can do what I want.

Ya see Abraham Lincoln said a house divided will never stand….and that’s the simplicity of it…stability. Our families have put blood, sweat and tears into that school (literally) and to have been treated the way we were this year I can easily say bye-bye without fear or regret for the future. Cancer taught me to shake fear and uncertainty. After what I have been through, which is minuscule compared to other women, but nonetheless my pain is real; I can stand tall, be steadfast in my decisions and erase apprehensions. Sure I straddle the line between optimism and panic, defenselessness and control, weakness and vivacity. But knowing that this life is not a dress rehearsal, the decisions I make must have meaning and strength. I have learned a pretty neat trick over the last few months, how to live with all of the trepidation and channel that into positive energy. So that’s what I did. Instead of trying to figure out the who, what and why I searched for schools with the same sense of community we longed for and where love was spoken. I tuned out all of the influences and forged ahead with my plans to move my children. Some of my friends were on the fence, many have jumped and followed and others are still hanging on, while a few never knew the fence existed. In each instance it’s ok. I did what was best for MY kids and that’s the bottom line.

“As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them." - John F. Kennedy. When you send your kids to Catholic school your level of expectation is higher. One, because you pay tuition and two, because of the Christian element interwoven in the curriculum. Ya see leadership is more than a title, it’s an action. Leadership is more than barking orders and signing checks. Leadership does not make you a demigod. And lipstick on a pig is REALLY lipstick on a pig. It is the responsibility of the leader to make sure the organizational culture is stable and if you are coming to a strong culture you are to conform NOT completely change that culture. I don’t make this stuff up; I actually teach it so I know what I am talking about…teeheehee

My grandfather had a few sayings that are appropriate to how I feel about some people right now: 1. You never know who your gonna get your last glass of water from and 2. You will be ultimately judged by how you treated the weakest of you community. Hmmm, considering how the school community is at the moment, some people are going to die a long, horrible death and end up in hell with nothing to drink!!!

President Obama ran on the platform of change and said in his acceptance speech “Change has come to America” Well that same sentiment has come to the Hunley house. We are in for some changes and in my heart of hearts I know the changes will be for the best. I also believe part of my recovery has been slowed by the worry of yesterdays, but I spoke to GOD and things will be ok, because he is there for us. When you turn it over to GOD as Isaiah 40:29, 31 tells me he gives strength to those that are tired and power to those that are weak…..I am still finding my peace in the eye of the hurricane….SAVING MY LIFE…..

WHAT THE???

2009-05-29T16:38:00.000-07:00

So dang it....he hit both veins today...and whoever made Tylenol is a genius. I thought to myself on the way home....."self when I get my new boobs I'm gonna look like a human pin cushion with a jacked up liver" (from all the Tylenol....teeheehee). He apologized profusely, told me I could swim and shave and off he went. I had to stay strong as my two youngest children were with me and so I stayed silently in pain.....in more ways than one.....hmmmmm

So I am feeling a little blue today...will blog about it tomorrow...pain is fresh and deep....and we are getting ready for a party so that will pick my spirits up:)

I realized that as a surgeon he moves with precision, floating over each and every incision...but when it comes to a small procedure like my 50cc's weekly he's a simpleton.....Oh well, the bottom line is he's still.....SAVING MY LIFE.....

Reflection

2009-05-25T10:07:00.000-07:00

Today will be spent reflecting on the many men and women who have served our country, died for our country or are in a foreign land at the direction of the commander and chief. I pray that we have the tolerance and patience to get out of war and turmoil will abound no more.....

I am also celebrating my 13th wedding anniversary which is reflective in itself......

Do we really watch what we say?

2009-05-22T11:20:00.001-07:00

I know I don't, but that's me....before I start on my rant of stupid people I think my doc got the message. On Wednesday I received my fill...I'm at 250cc's now. He was gentle and did not hit a vein....!!! Hallelujah!! I was very grateful because I wanted to attend my youngest son's trumpet performance and I knew that if he hit a vein I might be in jail for kicking him in the head....so no vein hit and I was good to go to the performance....sore but in no real pain.

Okay, I don't watch what I say, I tell it like I see it and move on. I have always been like that and in my ripe old age I don't wannna change. However....I am sensitive to other people and their situations (sometimes) and I am getting tired of people saying, "hey you look good" or my all time favorite from Wednesday night was from a mom who I don't really care for anyway said, "you don't look like you had cancer"....now assuming that cancer has a face what would it look like? And did I look like a dragged by a car dog before? Aside the fact that the comment is ignorant I didn't and don't expect intelligence from this person anyway, do we assume cancer must "look" a certain way?
I have no familial history and only 1 other relative has even been tested for abnormal cells (that I know of) so am I just an anomaly? I think not.

Breast cancer does not care who you are, how much dough you have or who your daddy is. It does not care about the light bill, phone bill or food in your fridge....it is a very selfish disease so why would it care that it disrupted my life? or changed how I look? Okay I digress, this is really about stupid people, not a pity party for me and others....what I don't get and maybe never will understand is how people can just say things that are stupid. My response to this woman was simply"you didn't look that stupid until you opened your mouth either...." I hope she got the message.....People take me to this place I don't go there intentionally.....1 John 5:20 tells me truth will triumph....

So things are looking up for us....I have more teaching assignments that I can handle but I accept them anyway; Kevin is receiving some work which will take us through the summer so that is a true blessing....and my kids are almost out of school ready for their summer activities and they are healthy and great. I am looking forward to slowing down a bit....I want to get my mind, body and soul right for my next and hopefully praise Jesus my last surgery for my implants. My friend Cyndy will come and help work me out since Paige blew her knee out..... I got a back massager my doc recommended that feels like little people are beating me with their fists. I did get a free pillow too....

This weekend will be restful and reflective. I don't want company and don't want to go to the many b-b-ques we have been invited to....I know it sounds rude....I just see an opportunity to sleep more that 5 hours in a night and I'm going for it!! So while I appreciate all of the attention, I am still in recovery....just look at my swelling and you will know....so I will be spending Memorial Day weekend .....SAVING MY LIFE.....

Doubt....

2009-05-19T17:46:00.001-07:00

Today I had a talk….a much needed talk with a dear and old friend Michelle. And what we both realized was that 2009 is the year that everybody is going through something. Whether it be an incorrigible child, a husband out of work or like me medical issues. What we both agreed on was that through it all if we did not have faith in GOD, self and the hope that things will get better someone would be dead…..seriously…..

One of the things I have begun to do is yoga again. I cannot stress or emphasize how much yoga keeps my hands off of the necks of stupid people. I have learned to breathe through the positions I cannot do and embrace the ones I can. Yoga is peaceful and takes me to a place only I can go and I don’t need Percocet to get there. I have even taught my daughter how to meditate peacefully and that is fast becoming our ritual in the morning. She said it helps her to focus better and deal with her brothers….I replied “me too”. Yoga has helped me to live peacefully when uncertainty and ambiguity seem to creep in my life, causing me to doubt decisions and question certain moves I may make.

Ok, so I have been going to these support groups and I will say right now I am not bashing them, some people find strength in them….not me. They are draining me. The ones I go to most of the women blame parents, GOD, spouses and children for their illness. It’s pathetic. I tried to go to a mixed gender one and the men are worse. I can’t take it….I’m telling my doc tomorrow that I have fulfilled my obligation, I have attended 4 and I’m done….

Lately I have been fixated on what if the cancer returns and I don’t catch it in time? What I am realizing is the more I focus on the negative thoughts the more I compromise my own healing…..period. I am sure I will revisit this but as long as I have faith AND yoga I will be ok. Psalm 33:16, 18-20 tells me that the Lord will take care of those who fear him, and my hope is in the Lord. The shock of having an illness or in my case a condition because I was never sick, illness screams sick….has made me re-evaluate my shortcomings, achievements, roles and responsibilities. I cannot wait until GOD is through with me so I can live the life I want to live…..SAVING MY LIFE….

Intimacy....

2009-05-14T10:46:00.000-07:00

Intimacy takes on many faces. Recently a friend of mine asked if my husband and I had been intimate since my surgery and I had to think about it…..what really is intimacy? It can’t just be having sex or else we could just lump many feelings in that category and still only come out with just sex….the physicality of intimacy in my book. So really what is it? Simply put here’s what it has been for me….intimacy means no matter how thick it gets….no matter how sore I feel after a fill…no matter how mad I get that I am in this position to begin with….he is my soft place to fall. Simply put. I am reading Elizabeth Edwards book and she talks about her new reality. Now while our situations are vastly different my thoughts are the same as hers….this is my new reality. The ways we classified things such as intimacy takes on a different meaning for me now because my reality has changed…..simply put. Intimacy means in order to create healing in my life I must create wholeness. So while the breast cancer affected physical changes, it did not destroy my self-esteem or the belief and delight in myself. I am not less attractive as I have always thought of my intellect as being quite sexy…..ya see my breasts did not make me sexy or attractive and my hubby knows that. So when my friend asked me the question, I simply replied….what makes you think we stopped being intimate?

So I get my fill yesterday and the wife does it. She went in with the needle, put the 50cc’s in and was out in a jiffy. No veins hit, no bleeding, nothing. She was laughing that her husband hit two veins and I told her she needs to send him to some more training. She did give me some interesting news too. I may only have about 6 more weeks of fills because of how “big” I want my new boobs to be. Ya see the tissue expanders I have in can hold 1100cc’s of saline which would be about a D cup…. this body will not have a D cup unless it’s filled with a martini, so if I go to about 550cc’s that will be about a B cup. I am at 200cc’s right now and knowing that there is hope on the horizon…….knowing this ordeal will be over….knowing that there is light at the end of the tunnel and it’s not the train trying to run me over gives me hope like no one has ever imagined!!! This will be over!!

She told me that I could even skip a week here or a week there if I get too sore….my response is hell no….they are really nice people and all, but between Tylenol, Percocet and back rubs….this new reality that I am in has to stop. I feel polarized some days and it needs to come to an end. So, I will be forging ahead….no missed appointments for me….I have been lightly shaken, not stirred and SAVING MY LIFE is still the priority…..

Being satisfied.....

2009-05-12T19:34:00.000-07:00

I have been blessed to have people in my life who know how to get things done and push me to do the same. People like Gina who are teaching me to live from sufficiency and remind me that in order to be an asset to my community and family I must rethink “banking my energy”. This last week has been crazy. I had doctor’s appointments, my son had doc appts, my hubby had appts…. my massage therapist is now unavailable due to a blown out knee….everybody I come in contact with needs a doc after being with me….jeez….

….I have been inundated with work this past week….grading papers and completing my own assignments and I have been ignoring my body. I have gone back to some old habits of not telling people no and so when I think I am “banking my energy” I think I am o.k……hahaha…..not so!! I need to just rest….live from sufficiency and know that it will be o.k. Tell people no without feeling guilty. I must learn to call on friends more, not feel like I am bothering people AND not feel so pitiful…some days I think I should be further ahead in my recovery than I am….and I guess if I didn’t develop edema I would have been, but rest is what I require…..I feel unproductive and mundane but intellectually it’s what I need….

School is almost over for my kids and I can’t wait….I can’t wait to get away from all of the negativity that has swirled around their school community….my surgery was a blessing in that I have not had to deal with it too much as I do not have to go to the school much….oh but when I do…..sometimes Christians make me wanna puke….some of the people I detest can suck the life right out of a room…how do you live your life just being pathetic, insecure and angry? I guess that is one of life’s many mysteries…..

Summer is a time that in the past few years of me working at home I have cherished with my children….we won’t go on a vacation this year but they are going to go to some awesome camps and I will do my best to prepare them for the next grade they will be entering….my oldest is very excited about beginning Jr. High and I cannot believe I will be the mother of a teenager….after all I’m only 21…..

So as my story continues I realize that this is my story and no one can tell it like me, no one can change it but me and no one can own it but me…..I read Philippians 4:6-7, 11-13 where it states not to worry but pray and ask GOD for what you need, give thanks and you will receive. The passages also talk about being satisfied….knowing I can do all things through Christ because he give me strength……my story has SAVED MY LIFE…..

2009-05-03T18:30:00.000-07:00

There are two words you never want to hear your doctor say........uh oh.....
I went for my second filler upper on Friday and as he took the needle out, a gush of blood came with it....yup you guessed it....hit a vein....
I got my 50cc on each side, he apologized profusely and I drove home in pain. Thank goodness for the drugs because I would not have taken the pain very well. Last week his wife was gentle, but she did refill my percocet as she told me after each fill I may be sore....she coulda warned me about her hubby's jab and go technique, but having hindsight in giving me the funny pills was just as good....I got home took two and have not emerged from the bed since....
Well I have done necessary things like bathe and eat....oh yea and worry about my oldest son who broke his pinky finger while playing basketball yesterday....it just never ends in the Hunley house....were just a bunch of walking medical misfits....I plan on buying stock in medical supplies, we're gonna make a mint.....
One of the things I failed to mention on my trip to Boston was that I went to a Zoomba class with Stacy....Zoomba is dance class surrounded by Latin moves and music....now I didn't go crazy, I turned when I could turn, I swished when I could swoosh and absolutely did no jumps....the little lady teaching did flips and flops, moved her hips like nobody's business and I was impressed by all of the women, including Stacy that kept up with her....very impressive indeed as some of these women were larger than I....gave my fat ass some hope....
Well we continue to be prayer warriors in the house and not just for me but all women who are going through the battle. I am blessed to only be worrying about my doc hitting a vein....some women worry about how to get through the next round of chemo or keeping down the funny pills....I know how blessed I am....I sometimes feel distressed over the inability to not do more, but my time will come, GOD is working on me as I breathe and write....and when my time does come watch out world I'm gonna be hell on wheels.....SAVING ANOTHER LIFE......

I'm here...

2009-04-30T15:08:00.000-07:00

I am back from Boston, and what a wonderful honor it was to spend my days with Stacy (dissertation committee member), Gina AKA the wolf coach) and Cheryl (spiritual messenger ~ she knows when to pray for me when I don’t know when to pray for me). We had a fabulicious time writing, meditating, collaborating and being present with one another. I am elated, tired, nourished and sore…..
When I travel I like to people watch….leaving Sky Harbor offered just as much entertainment as leaving Logan….saw a lady with a baby stroller for her dog, listened in on a couple from South Africa talking about reverse apartheid…yes, hmmm….and watched people rush for their planes….they were funny….dropping stuff, body parts flapping….I couldn’t make this stuff up….I got to Boston actually Sunday because I took the red-eye and slept most of the way. Once I arrived at Stacy’s, a hot shower, clean clothes and a good meal made for a lovely Sunday. The next 2.5 days were filled with everything goodness…..I even shopped a little at Harvard, I felt smart just being on the campus and dinner at one of my favorite restaurants….Legal Seafood.
Although many still call me crazy for continuing on with my doctorate degree, it keeps me grounded and motivated to make a difference….sounds corny but it’s true….I want to bring empathy to professional sports organizations and by dang-it I’m gonna do it….creating stormy seas…..some of my harshest critics are family and they know our family is strong and cut from a metal cloth so what’s the big deal?

So I am listening to my body today, I have help at the house so I am alleviated of the stress of too much dirt in my space….hubby cooked a dinner ahead so that’s taken care of BUT I have tons of papers to grade and a few requirements for school to complete before Monday…..I will get it done, I have no choice….

I have come across some good sayings this week….. Larry said this one: The way you do nothing, is the way you do everything ~ and Jen said this one: ....Movement creates life; stillness creates love; to be still and still moving, that is everything……

So while I am still I will still be moving….I was reminded to not let the stressors of life interfere with my recovery or my goals….I came home to some crazy emails and letters, but I am surprised how I am easy to ignore them because in the grand scheme of things….I am looking for the vein in the leaf…SAVING MY LIFE…..

Progress

2009-04-22T14:37:00.000-07:00

Today was a fantabulous day (you know I like to make up my own words) and even though it’s early in the day I am about to go to bed.... Why?? After I took the kids to school, I did my first trip to the grocery store. My first trip in over a month BY MYSELF and it felt good. These are the little things in life that we all take for granted until it’s snatched away by the likes of cancer….well I’m here to tell cancer that I am getting stronger each day, and as the kids would say…nana nana boo boo….. to damn cancer….I got this beat!!! This disease picked the wrong b to mess with....

Okay back to my day….I also got to pump my own gas too….now this may not sound like a big deal to some, but to me gaining independence is a big deal and I know I am impatient, stubborn and hard-headed, but walk a mile in my shoes I guaran-damn-tee you would be too….

I get to my docs office with the hopes….high hopes that I will begin my fills. I have been doing everything they told me since my last visit….resting, massages, no lifting and resting.

My surgeon’s wife is also in practice with him and when she walked in I could see why he married her….she’s smart and beautiful. I’m not one of these chicks that is a chick hater…I call a spade a spade and she was downright F-I-N-E…..If I was a dude, or a chick into chicks I would have flirted with her….right there out in the open….now my surgeon is nothing to sneeze at, he is F-I-N-E as well so it would stand to reason his wife would not look like dog poo….5’6, 110lbs, 7.5 size shoe and a booty tight enough to rocket a cherry to Kentucky….but I wasn’t looking that hard….hahahahahaJ

She checked my incision, told me my edema was softening up nicely and that I would receive my first fill….I wanted to kiss her….seriously…..

I received 50cc on each side and even had some feeling. Ya see the nerves are temporarily damaged with this type of surgery and the fact that I am having some feeling means I am making progress….again I wanted to kiss her….seriously…..

Together, patience and prayer are powerful…I have been sad, most days happy, but I have had my moments. I believe I am on the upswing to my journey. While this may look like a small tragedy and people are compelled to feel sorry for me or question why, I am reminded by my dear friend Diane, who not too long ago went through the same ordeal…says why not you? So my day was a busy one, I will pick up my kids, get dinner and take my tired self to bed today....I have had progress in my recovery and that has worn me out;)

So as I am patient in my healing process I continue to learn more about the disease and how I can help when I am fully recovered. I am considering doing the 3 day walk in October, maybe not the whole 3 days but at least the commitment for the 5K. Women should not have to suffer and in my particular case early detection is what SAVED MY LIFE…..

Healing.....

2009-04-20T18:11:00.001-07:00

Well I continue to heal and my doctor has weaned me off of the percocet. At first I thought he was a looney tune....a big froot loop if you will.....to tell me to go from percocet to Tylenol....it's like going from methamphetamine to chicklets.....the first few days were rough, luckily I had Kevin's sister here, I would have gotten absolutely nothing done and no rest because I would have stressed about not getting anything done having no rest....terrible cycle indeed....but as I stated thank goodness Debbie was here.

The edema seems to be softening up, that's what the doctors want....but there is still some hardness and it is STILL uncomfortable......BUT....there's a light....a small glimmer of light and while this may not be much for some it is a huge deal to me....I can sleep on my side!! For the past month I have been perched up in the bed night after night like a mummy and if I move I wake instantly. Now I can sleep for about 2 hours at a time on my side....both sides and it's a little more comfortable even if it is temporary.

I plug along with school, knocking out another A in my last class. I have well exceeded my own expectations and realize that my illness is not an excuse for weakness or failure. Some may call me crazy for continuing, some have had the nerve to say it to my face....but walk a mile...half a mile...in my shoes you would be surprised how much determination you can muster up when faced with an adverse situation....don't get me wrong, I absolutely think I'm crazy, but at least I am smart crazy;)

I realize that GOD has a plan that will only be revealed in his time..... it seems like he's taking his sweet time with me because he knows I'm impatient so this is a test and a lesson......I think.....James 5:7-8 consistently tells me to be patient for the plan and purpose are in HIS hands.....so with that.....I continue to SAVE MY LIFE......

My oh my....

2009-04-16T20:08:00.001-07:00

My life has been hectic in the last week....mainly due to my youngest son having the flu....there should be a law that when a mother is ill children are not allowed to be ill....

I talked to a sorority sister and my twin cousin sister recently and they offered some great insight and advice. First my Soror confessed to me after I received my diagnosis she checked her breasts everyday...she had her husband check her breasts(which is not a bad thing) and became paranoid. I was told by my caregivers that this would happen. My caseworkers stated that people may become overly sensitive and exert too much worry on themselves...Candace fits the bill!!!

My twin cousin sister who is also a Katrina survivor stated how she was tired of people who are dealt a raw deal feeling sorry for themselves or using their disabilities as a hinderance to create a better life for themselves.....If I am being honest....I feel like that sometimes, not as often as some but at least once a week....am I pathetic??? Human maybe but not pathetic.....I think.....'(

I continue with my healing process the best I can, somedays I do more than I should but I would feel less than productive if I didn't....my sister-in-law...Debbie is here(she's gonna kill me for using her name...hahaha, she will be gone by the time she reads this) and she is keeping the laundry done, kids clean and me in line....I shoulda married her...hahahaha.....!!!!

I have a massage therapist too, my friend Paige comes to the house on Mondays...she's great....if you want her number I will be more than happy to provide it...

So my community is in place to provide me with the love and support I need, I am STRUGGLING to realize that my expected date of recovery is not a finite date and we all continue to SAVE MY LIFE....

Two steps forward....Three steps back....

2009-04-10T15:14:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I feel like I can't get ahead in this process and get on with my life....My plastics doc confirmed today that I have edema....not the lymphedema like I thought but I do have a form of edema. He stated it's not that bad...yea right he doesn't have to live with it....and would not do my first fill up until the swelling and hardness went down a little bit....WHAT??? Is he crazy? I waited a whole 2 weeks for this, he's a crackpot....Now I have to say, he is a very....VERY handsome man but at that moment he looked like dog s**t....I was waiting for Ashton Kutcher to come out and tell me I've been punked.....he gave me some additional exercises, told me to walk more and get a massage.....will do my best is what I told him....not what I wanted to say, but it's what I told him.....

So I'm back to just being patient....and it sucks.....

I will prepare my mind for Easter weekend, have small plans with the family and continue my journey with a little more patience.....Philippians 1:6 tells me "GOD began doing a good work in you, and I am sure he will continue it until it is finished when Jesus Christ comes again".....helping and healing to SAVE MY LIFE.....

Paranoia and patience.....

2009-04-06T20:19:00.000-07:00

Okay, so my doc appointment was great.... sort of. He confirmed that I DON'T have lymphedema and that what I am experiencing is "normal"....swelling, pain and all. The bag of marbles under my arms are "normal" and the nubs where my breast used to be look good even if they hurt like hell. I have a new way of looking at my pain now. It's still temporary and I do not have additional issues to deal with....he also maintains that a stress free environment will allow me to heal sooner and healthier....I must remove all thoughts of choking stupid people and as they keep telling me...show the negative ones to the door....much better than choking....

I told him I was not self-diagnosing but I am not sure he believed me....in fact I'm sure he didn't believe me.....He looked over my stitches and was very pleased with himself....he even told me I was going to have great cleavage when my reconstruction was done.....If I could have bottled the look on Kevin's face I would have...priceless.....I'm considering selling tickets for a peek of my cleavage....not sure how many laws I will be breaking, but I would consider paying taxes on the income.....

I continue to be showered with love from my support community....the dinners especially are amazing. I will need to start doing some serious exercise because EVERYONE brings dessert, brownies being the consistent one and I will be 800 pounds if I don't stop soon. My doc also told me that I could travel to my writer's retreat in Boston at the end of the month so I have that to look forward to as long as my other doc says it's OK as well. I can't wait to be flying the friendly skies and receiving my writing nourishment!!

I did tell my students on Thursday and will tell my Tuesday group tomorrow. They were in awe, supportive and learned a lesson. I realized I had told everyone but them and I was doing them a serious disservice. They deserved to know and I am glad I told them. Who knows how many of the men which makeup more than 1/2 of my class will tell an important female in their life and how early detection can save lives. Who knows how many of the women will now go and get that checkup they have been putting off....

So in this moment I will have patience, lessen my paranoia and move into this week focused on healing and preparing myself for that fabulous cleavage I've been promised:) Moving along one day at a time...SAVING MY LIFE.....

Patience.....

2009-04-05T16:20:00.000-07:00

I feel awful. What a way to start a blog entry huh? But it's the truth. I feel awful that I have two what seem to look like bags of marbles under my arms that are uncomfortable as heck (it's Lent, I'm trying to cut down on cussing). I feel bad that I cannot do more independent things for myself and my family....I feel bad for all of the people who do not have access to the type of care I am receiving and will ultimately suffer worse than I and here I am whining....I just feel awful.

I feel bad that I have not replied to some phone calls, emails and I can't seem to get my thank you notes out fast enough. I feel awful that ugly Christians are rearing their head again and I am not in the mood....and I can't fight back like I want to. I feel awful that my good friend Jen who is also my teammate for school helped me with my section for our team project but hopefully by editing, I did my part....somewhat. I feel awful for all of the people who have gone out of their way to help us...I would do the same in a heartbeat for all of the moms and dads (Jimmy, Jim and Bobby) but I do feel bad. I just realized the other day that my surgery isn't even a month old....I'm just impatient.....or is it the percocet?

I need patience. Galatians 5:22 is a reminder that patience is more than a skill it is a gift from the Holy Spirit that gives me a nudge about how patience is also about doing GOD's will. Hebrews 10:36 tells me that I need endurance to do the will of GOD and receive what he has promised.

I am allowing pain to control what I already know what has been laid out for me. I was talking to some moms at choir yesterday (I don't sing my youngest son does) and we talked about how the blessing of my challenge is going to be what GOD has in store for me and how GOD will use me!! How exciting indeed, but right now I feel awful....physically......or is it the percocet?

I go to the breast surgeon tomorrow and he will do what he can to alleviate this pain, surely give me more wacky pills as a part of the regimen and hopefully I will be on my way to recovery. I have included an email below of a sorority sister whom I do not know, but we have people in common that we know. Take the time to read you could.....SAVE A LIFE.....

This is the story of Kathy West
As all of you know, I have Primary Peritoneal Cancer. This cancer has only recently been identified as its OWN type of cancer, but it is essentially Ovarian Cancer.

Both types of cancer are diagnosed in the same way, with the "tumor marker" CA-125 BLOOD TEST, and they are treated in the same way - surgery to remove the primary tumor and then chemotherapy with Taxol and Carboplatin.

Having gone through this ordeal, I want to save others from the same fate . That is why I am sending this message to you and hope you will print it and give it or send it via E-mail to everybody you know.

One thing I have learned is that each of us must take TOTAL responsibility for our own health care. I thought I had done that because I always had an annual physical and PAP smear, did a monthly Self-Breast Exam, went to the dentist at least twice a year, etc. I even insisted on a sigmoidoscopy and a bone density test last year. When I had a total hysterectomy in 1993, I thought that I did not have to worry about getting any of the female reproductive organ cancers.

LITTLE DID I KNOW. I don't have ovaries (and they were HEALTHY when they were removed), but I have what is essentially ovarian cancer. Strange, isn't it?

These are just SOME of the things our Doctors never tell us: ONE out of every 55 women will get OVARIAN or PRIMARY PERITONEAL CANCER.

The "CLASSIC" symptoms are an ABDOMEN that rather SUDDENLY ENLARGES and CONSTIPATION and/or DIARRHEA .

I had these classic symptoms and went to the doctor. Because these symptoms seemed to be "abdominal", I went to a gastroenterologist. He ran tests that were designed to determine whether there was a bacteria infection; these tests were negative, and I was diagnosed with "Irritable Bowel Syndrome". I guess I would have accepted this diagnosis had it not been for my enlarged abdomen. I swear to you, it looked like I was 4-5 months pregnant! I therefore insisted on more tests

They took an X-ray of my abdomen; it was negative. I was again assured that I had Irritable Bowel Syndrome and was encouraged to go on my scheduled month-long trip to Europe . I couldn't wear any of my slacks or shorts because I couldn't get them buttoned, and I KNEW something was radically wrong. I INSISTED on more tests, and they reluctantly) scheduled me for a CT-Scan (just to shut me up, I think). This is what I mean by "taking charge of our own health care."

The CT-Scan showed a lot of fluid in my abdomen (NOT normal). Needless to say, I had to cancel my trip and have FIVE POUNDS of fluid drawn off at the hospital (not a pleasant experience I assure you), but NOTHING compared to what was ahead of me.

Tests revealed cancer cells in the fluid. Finally, finally, finally, the doctor ran a CA-125 blood test, and I was properly diagnosed

I HAD THE CLASSIC SYMPTOMS FOR OVARIAN CANCER, AND YET THIS SIMPLE CA-125 BLOOD TEST HAD NEVER BEEN RUN ON ME, not as part of my annual physical exam and not when I was symptomatic. This is an inexpensive and simple blood test!

PLEASE, PLEASE TELL ALL YOUR FEMALE FRIENDS AND RELATIVES TO INSIST ON A CA-125 BLOOD TEST EVERY YEAR AS PART OF THEIR ANNUAL PHYSICAL EXAMS.

Be fore warned that their doctors might try to talk them out of it, saying, "IT ISN'T NECESSARY." Believe me, had I known then what I know now, we would have caught my cancer much earlier (before it was a stage 3 cancer). Insist on the CA-125 BLOOD TEST; DO NOT take "NO" for an answer!

The normal range for a CA-125 BLOOD TEST is between zero and 35. MINE WAS 754. (That's right, 754!). If the number is slightly above 35, you can have another done in three or six months and keep a close eye on it, just as women do when they have fibroid tumors or when men have a slightly elevated PSA test (Prostatic Specific Antigens) that helps diagnose prostate cancer.

Having the CA-125 test done annually can alert you early, and that's the goal in diagnosing any type of cancer - catching it early.

Do you know 55 women? If so, at least one of them will have this VERY AGGRESSIVE cancer. Please, go to your doctor and insist on a CA-125 test and have one EVERY YEAR for the rest of your life.

And forward this message to every woman you know, and tell all of your female family members and friends. Though the median age for this cancer is 56, (and, guess what, I'm exactly 56, women as young as 22 have it. Age is no factor.

A NOTE FROM THE RN:
Well , after reading this, I made some calls. I found that the CA-125 test is an ovarian screening test equivalent to a man's PSA test prostate screen (which my husband's doctor automatically gives him in his physical each year and insurance pays for it). I called the general practitioner's office about having the test done. The nurse had never heard of it. She told me that she doubted that insurance would pay for it. So I called Prudential Insurance Co, and got the same response. Never heard of it - it won't be covered. I explained that it was the same as the PSA test they had paid for my husband for years. After conferring with whomever they confer with, she told me that the CA-125 would be covered.

It is $75 in a GP's office and $125 at the GYN's. This is a screening test that should be required just like a PAP smear (a PAP smear cannot detect problems with your ovaries). And you must insist that your insurance company pay for it.

Gene Wilder and Pierce Brosnan (his wife had it, too) are lobbying for women's health issues, saying that this test should be required in our physicals, just like the PAP and the mammogram. PLEASE TAKE A MOMENT TO SEND THIS OUT TO ALL THOSE YOU CAN. BE IT MALE OR FEMALE, IT SHOULD NOT MATTER, AS THEY CAN FORWARD IT ALSO TO THOSE LOVED ONES THEY KNOW.

IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH FORWARDING SOMETHING AS IMPORTANT AS THIS, HERE'S A LITTLE HINT THAT MAY ASSIST YOU WITH YOUR DECISION ~ JUST PRETEND THAT THIS IS A JOKE, WHICH IT CERTAINLY IS NOT, AND SEND IT

Unrealistic expectations....

2009-04-02T16:22:00.000-07:00

I am really disappointed. I honestly thought I would be feeling better, able to move around better and be more functional. I am driving but that is even limited. I cannot grocery shop, take the box to the post office for my cousin or some moments make myself something to eat. It's frustrating.....

I have great family and friends that are able and willing to do for me but I feel like I am a burden. I hate to be pitied, I think it's pathetic to pity someone, but I physically cannot do some of the things I want to do so I'm stuck. I had a conversation with some dear friends today and after telling me to shut up, explained that this is what friends are for. Well, duh I know that....I am a good friend....I would do whatever needed to be done for Elisa, Val and Yolande and the many others out there, so why can't I just let myself relax? Why can't I accept the help without feeling guilty and burdensome? It's these damn wacky pills making me feel this way I just know it.....

Okay, I have new issues. I think I am developing a condition called lymphodema. I am not self-diagnosing I had a form of this with my c-sections. It's where the fluid and tissue in the surgical area builds up and thickens and becomes hard. It's very uncomfortable and is getting on my nerves. I go see both docs next week so we will get this resolved....and hopefully I will heal better....notice I said better not faster.....

I would like everyone to know what a great son I have....my oldest. These past 3 days without my mom have been easier because of him. He has set his alarm clock to get up 15 minutes before everybody, gets himself together, gets up his brother and sister which is no easy task and fixes them breakfast. He does a few chores before I take them to school. He was not asked to do any of these things he just has. I feel guilty because he is 12, but he is also a young man who is coming into his own, gaining insight into what it means to be responsible, and he generally is a wonderful child. I am truly blessed. He told me today thanks for raising him and that made my heart swell....or it coulda been the percocet, I can't tell these days.....but I do know he's helping to SAVE MY LIFE.....

Pain....

2009-03-30T08:44:00.000-07:00

I wake up in pain.....I go to bed in pain....but at least I wake up and can sleep in a comfy bed. Pain has become a part of my life and that just where I am right now. The pain meds ease the discomfort temporarily and I keep telling myself that the discomfort is truly temporary....I will be glad when I do not need to fill another prescription, but for now I do so because I see the value in pain modification, not because I want to pop the pills that make me giggle in my sleep and have freaky dreams.....but because they really do help me with pain....

I started to get back on track with my schedule today. Hubby did laundry before he left this morning and then I folded it....kids can put away. Drove kids to school and tried to miss as many potholes as I could. I never noticed that we had so many potholes till it hurt to roll over one....
Each day I get stronger and am diligent in my recovery. I have decided to give myself a daily spiritual check up in order to discover and demonstrate how my life should be lead. I am sure to fall by the waste side but at least I try!!

I have this feeling that a storm is brewing.....possibly with the Christians I spoke about earlier in my blog or it could be the weather...at any rate I need to be ready. I need to be physically ready. I am already there mentally, but I need the whole package in order to rebuke the devil and show him that he is a liar!! hahaha.....funny thing about some Christians they don't think that they need to show humility and kindness. Sometimes we get caught up in a whirlwind of things in our lives and forget that part of being human....it amazes me....

Titus 3:2 tell us that humility should be shown to all and Colossians 3:12 tells us to cover ourselves with kindness. So why are we so mean to one another? I know I have had my fair share of meanness, but now that I am in a position of limited physical activity it has caused me to reflect. How I have treated people and how people have treated me. Some of the bad people I have let into my life have done things to me because they feel bad about themselves...they need to read Scripture or at least a good Stephen King book to find out what happens to mean people....even the mean things I have done to others has not come without provocation....I'm not justifying....I'm just sayin' I don't start it.....

So I will take it easy for the rest of the day, take mom to the airport, pick up the kids and rest some more.....taking it one moment at a time.....saving my life.....

Newness.......

2009-03-27T11:10:00.000-07:00

Today was a great day. I go to the plastic surgeon and he takes my drainage tubes out!!! ....it didn't hurt just a little pinch. He tells me I can drive, good thing to 'cause I swear my hubby seeks out every pothole to hit:) and he said I could do light housework, so the 12 lbs of laundry that has piled up can be done and can lift nothing bigger than a phone book. Cool, I can manage that. The major thing was the ability to be able to take a shower! I have been taking tweety bird baths given by my hubby, and although a soapy loofah a hubby puts between your butt cheeks might sound tantalizing......you cannot substitute a good 'ole fashioned self- inflicted ass washing!! I was doing the happy dance all over that table, all the while trying to stay cool, didn't want to offend the doc and my mom with my funky underarms....My arm range is good and physical therapy won't be necessary either.....GOD is truly good.:)

My mom leaves Monday and my hubby is doing a temp job Monday so freedom is on the horizon:) But not for long...Kevin's sister is coming and I will be back on lockdown...:(

So I decided I am on a new journey....recovery, renewal and reclamation!
The recovery is still a process. The tubes are out but I still need to rest....I will have some oozing so I need to careful when doing that laundry....gotta get over my pet peeves....I still have pain and swelling, so rest is still necessary.

The renewal will start in a couple of weeks when my tissue expander's will begin the saline fill. It's gonna be like going to the gas tank once a week....

The reclamation will come after the second surgery and this is all behind me....

So I will continue my obedience and diligence toward this journey. Diligence to me is pressing toward the mark of looking at the finish line and seeing what the reward will be....in my case recovery, renewal and reclamation! I have several "mothers" helping me through this journey and Mama Sharon gave me Acts 27, specifically verse 27. For anybody going through it right now...and I know who you are 'cause ya call and tell me....HB, LB, QD, KS (don't wanna use real names, I'm not that crazy) for starters.....read this chapter.....The message is clear and simple: Perseverance and diligence will bring you through the storm.....that's how my life was SAVED....

Suffering....

2009-03-25T21:50:00.000-07:00

The past few days some people in my life have experienced suffering. One relative lost a child and a dear friend who is separating from her husband also lost her grandmother. It's the ebb and flow of life as I have said before. It's part of the circle of life that Mufasa and Simba sing about.....
In the same universe our friends Dena and Jason welcomed a beautiful baby girl . From what we were told it was a long hard labor but the suffering was temporary.

That's how I feel today. My suffering is temporary. The swelling and pain will not be forever and when I read 2 Corinthians 12:10 it made sense. Scripture not only explains suffering as something that is temporary but also teaches me how to respond to it. So why haven't I been listening? Hard-headed, still yearning for that control I suppose....No one can choose to avoid suffering for it is a part of life. I was told to read Job, for his examples of suffering are inspiring.

I'm going a little crazy being cooped up in the house....I'm past cabin fever...I feel like a caged animal. I did work yesterday though, yes....I said work....but hubby drove, carried my books and stayed till I was done. It took me longer to do my hair, makeup and get dressed than it did for me to teach!! Hahaha.....

I wore my fiber filled boobies for the first time outside of the house....they fit snugly into my camisole and a denim dress hid any spots of suspicion.........they were a bit intricate to maneuver, I didn't know which part was supposed to be the nipple so I winged it. I got the thumbs up from my 6 year old that they were on correctly, pointing in the right direction and looked "almost" real. She said they were softer than real ones and would work for now. If you want the truth ask someone under 8 or over 80 is my philosophy. My 6 yr old also told me to wear a sweater so that in case one fell out or got lopsided I could cover myself and run to the restroom....lucky for me no mishaps and if my students could tell, they didn't let on.......I will work on being comfortable with my confinement and confidence for I know it's SAVING MY LIFE.......

Rest...

2009-03-24T12:35:00.000-07:00

is a powerful tool. The past few days of complete rest has allowed me to reflect, sleep, watch mindless TV and even do some reading. I have talked about being still and must take my own advice. The path to victory is not always an easy road to travel. It takes discipline and self-control. I seem to have these elements in other areas of my life, like school for instance. With only a couple of weeks left in my course I have a 98%. Now that's perseverance!! hahaha....or I'm crazy....none-the-less rest has allowed me to focus on more important things than the laundry. Speaking of which....the upkeep of my house has been pretty good. Even when I have been unhappy about something out of place my mom and Kev just tell me to shut up and sit down....very humbling to say the least....because I never shut up and all I can do is sit down....

My breast surgeon called yesterday and gave me an early Christmas present. He said that all of the diseased tissue was taken, blood work looked excellent and lymph nodes were clear. I feel like had I not caught this when I did my results would be very different. EARLY DETECTION SAVES LIVES!!!

My weird dreams are back, probably because I have been taking the meds properly and consistently. Up until last night I was naked in all of my dreams....one where I was at the circus in the ring of fire...just naked and giggling....I looked like a damn fool. Last night I was back at the circus but had all my clothes on. Kevin said I was giggling in my sleep....probably because I was happy to stop exposing myself....

The many acts of kindness extended to my family has been overwhelming....my friend Jan not only sent me some goodies, like a Coach scarf, but the kids and Kevin as well. Efrem for sending a package, Paige for foot and hand massages....Pearl cursing me out for not taking better care of myself(she only cusses at people she loves)....Jimmy for sending the most delicious gourmet cookies my palate has ever experienced and Margaret for taking my son to choir. There are many others but the point about kindness directs me to Colossians 3:12, Matthew 7:12 and 19:19. Scripture tells us to be kind to others but the actual acts of kindness remind me that people are pure, sincere and truly want to help. When I am faced with negativity from nosy, trifling, inconsequential people, I am doubly reminded that the people that I have allowed in my life are not like that and I am grateful. Kindness is a strength within the kingdom of GOD that allows us to do for others and by following Jesus' footsteps we can continue to love others. I cannot wait until I can be of service once again to others, showing my kindness and....SAVING ANOTHER LIFE.....

I've had a.....

2009-03-22T16:24:00.001-07:00

setback. Life has many curve balls, some you see some coming, you don't. Last night I was taken to the emergency room for breathing difficulty and cramps. Bottom line is this. I need to slow down. I need to take the pain meds, eat what I am told and shut up. The most difficult part for me is shutting up:)
The past few days I have not taken many pain meds, trying to work through it and what has happened is, my body is chasing the pain. I have not been drinking enough water and have had way too much company. I love people coming to see me, but I should have gone to sleep and let them watch me. Instead I did not take my meds and and was a part of the action. So my body said, okay chick I have something for you....boom can't breathe....can't focus....so now I am obedient. Obedient to my mom, husband, children and the Holy Spirit who are telling my body to rest....so from this day forward I am taking a more active role in SAVING MY LIFE......

Triumph.....

2009-03-21T11:21:00.000-07:00

Wow, anesthesia is a b***h....hahaha....I am upright but not uptight so I thought I would write a little today. I have so much to tell. Tuesday is partly a blur but here it goes....
I got to the hospital promptly at 7:33 and was taken to the registration desk. The older gentleman that signed me in wasn't rude but he wasn't particularly inviting either. Very business like, no side conversation, just a question here and sign there....okay I can deal with that. He told me my outrageous copay and did not offer a payment arrangement. So, with a steady hand and straight face I wrote a check.....they should be calling any day now....*wink**wink*.......I called my friends Elisa and Dena and then called by the same nurse I had for my lumpectomy....deja vous huh....to a room where my breast surgeon would inject radiation to guide him to any lymph nodes near one of the sites in question. She and I talked about her trip to Maui, her dad's passion for hangliding and my disregard for stupid people. My doc injected me and off I went to wait with the other 12 or so women waiting for surgery. Some were alone, others were with spouses and some with friends or other family members. I felt special, I had my husband AND mom with me. My kids were with Auntie Lynnie (AKA, my sorority sister) at the science museum. They wanted to be there when I woke up, didn't want to go to school and I wasn't going to make them.
So then nurse Carla (I asked her if I could use her name) comes in....she's the same nurse I had for my lumpectomy and I'm like....is this the twilight zone? Anyway, she takes vitals, asks questions...blah, blah blah and offers me a Valium cocktail....I took it faster than a cat could lick his butt and then went to sleep. When I awoke, it was noon.....WHAT??? I thought I was going into surgery @ 11:30??? Then it made sense, the Valium was to shut me up so I would not go off about the delay....it's a racket I tell ya.....so promptly @ 12:30 a short man walks in and I immediately recognize him as my anesthesiologist....you guessed it....same one from last time....I apologized for not paying him the 56 bucks I owe him and Carla said....just wait till ya get this bill:) I kissed my mom and hubby and off I went.....
I woke around 4 something to see my kids, mom, hubby and Auntie Lynnie in my room. My throat was sore and I could not focus....my stomach was okay but my legs were itchy.........as far as I could tell I didn't pee or poop on myself and I was wrapped tighter than King Tut...but I was ALIVE!!!!
I was given hugs and kisses, there were flowers and cards, and I was ALIVE!!! My kids only stayed for a little while the 2 youngest ones had a hard time seeing mommy on an IV and in bed. They were comforted by grandma and Lynne when they got home and took their butts to school the next day:)
My hubby stayed with me. He was tired, relieved and hungry. That did not stop him from taking me to the bathroom, cleaning me up, and walking with me at 12:30 at night. He fluffed my pillows, made me sip broth and let me in on a secret...he hates the word doo doo. I guess that's 2 words.....
I spoke with his sisters and mother early the next morning and thanked them....for they had a hand in raising such an amazing individual. Some men would have bailed back in October when we started this journey but not my Kevin....he is steadfast in his commitment to me and is a REAL man.....like us all, he doesn't always live his life in imitation of Christ, but he tries. He was confident that I would come through this surgery....just like a good athlete, you can predict the outcome before the game is over:) He has shown me that real love is when the chips are down and you are there picking them up is what matters.....we have become a stronger couple and family because of this. Now don't get it twisted, he will someday be annoying and worrisome but right now, I'm enjoying him as he is...
My plan and purpose has moved to triumph. As a believer I have an advantage in this game we call life. The current culture and community sometimes focuses on frivolous ideals and insignificant activities. Take for instance my kids school. The community is in turmoil, shambles if you will, but that's because some people have lost focus. Some people think they are in "charge"....hahahaha....I am living proof that GOD is ALWAYS in charge!!! They are fools if they think they can dismiss Scripture and the tradition of the church....any church....I'm tired and cramping now so I leave with this.....
2 Corinthians 2:14 tells us GOD leads us triumph....and this has SAVED MY LIFE.....

Strength....

2009-03-15T14:02:00.000-07:00

We sometimes take this word for granted to mean we ourselves must have strength, but sometimes you have to lean on those closest to you. The last 2 days have been filled with laughter, good friends, good food and strong family bonds. My conversations have been insightful, funny, intense and down right knee slapping, crying, gut hurting hilarious.....everything from world politics to Disney characters:) We had a bye bye booby dinner last night where I was the guest of honor:) My peace is still in the eye of the hurricane.....

Right now, my strength is powered courageously by the gift of faith. In all of my prayers I use it as a tool to give glory to GOD....and so he knows I am listening:) We all have a plan and purpose and I truly believe after my surgery at 11:30 am Phoenix time and in recovery, my NEW plan and purpose will be revealed to me or will that be the morphine? I don't know why I just do.....or it could be the fried zucchini I ate last night...... faith also keeps the goal of salvation in focus for me....even with all of the worldly distractions, faith gives me confidence in things unseen and hope that my recovery will be limited.....I have too much hell and too many kids to raise!!

I have been trying to figure out (still) why me and why not me and why every woman and me.....but the reality is I am doing what I am supposed to be doing. I am where I am supposed to be. I heard Anita Baker sing a song or chorus line part...."Do what he sent you to do".....I have to get her new CD.....hhmmmm trip alone to Wally world sounds good today..... anywho.... yes....I am where I belong. I am supposed to be going through this in order to receive a blessing. Ya see, there hasn't been too many "shocking" things that have happened in my life. A few here and there but nothing like this....so I'm scared, anxious, still mad at cancer.....and will fight tooth and nail now to be instrumental in finding a cure.....but I am where I am to be and will do what he sent me to do.......I believe March 17th will be the day I receive a gift and in turn I need to find a way to give a gift....it won't be monetary ya know I'm broke....hahahaha....but that's what is on my heart right now.....

Does anyone know if my morphine drip will be green? Then I guess I will pee green too huh?....hahahaha....I crack me up, just a little Irish humor......My mom will be here tomorrow, she will need just as much morphine as I will....having a child in pain is no fun. My baby girl had a tummy ache last night probably from all of the pizza, soda and whatever else she ate while we weren't looking and it broke my heart....I can only imagine what my mom is feeling....maybe she will tell me and then I will share it.....

Well, I will be offline for a while, I have to save my Internet strength to do schoolwork, but I will have someone give you all an update....call me if you have the number....if I don't answer ~ don't take it personal....)

I will be writing a new chapter in my book of life....living my own story....not daring to imitate someone else's.....using this experience as an impetus to create the life I want.....it will be faith filled, hope guided.....and all the while.....SAVING MY LIFE.....

Language....

2009-03-13T19:43:00.000-07:00

My grandfather used to say....watch the toes you step on today, they may be connected to the ass you have to kiss tomorrow....I watch my words when talking to people and I always have a high expectation that people will do the same. Not so. I always try to tell people exactly what I want them to know because this cuts down on confusion....its just the way I was bred I guess. I saw my oldest son do an amazing job at a reading in church today and a woman who shall remain nameless to protect the village of idiots she emerged from asked me "why are you choosing this?, why not try and save your breasts?" I wanted to say...."oh hell I don't know, just felt like getting my tities cut off on St. Patty's Day".....dumb ass.....wth?? My friends Diane and Kelly who both went through this told me this would happen. I vividly remember Kelly saying in Starbucks....people will say dumb things because they don't know what to say....well I am asking all of those people.....shut the hell up. Do not take for granted that everyone will know how incredibly stupid you are and treat you like the idiot you deserve to be treated like. It's best for all concerned if you just say nothing.

So I simply replied, "my children are my greatest love not my boobs." I then gave her the blog address and wished her and her family well. I hope she reads this....and shuts the hell up.

Okay, I talked to my doctor cousin's husband who is also a doctor which makes him my doctor cousin husband cousin-in-law...hahaha.... and he has read all of my pathology reports and recommendations. He has done several rounds of oncology training and I just wanted a second pair of eyes on my paperwork. He stated that my cell type if left untreated would have manifested into an aggressive type of cancer which is surely fatal. This confirmed my gut decision that I was doing the right thing and ready to move forward....what disturbed me was that my doctor did not use the same language. My hubby stated that he used similar language but I needed to hear the words "if left untreated" and "aggressive." There again the words and language we choose will have an effect on the people receiving the message. I put a call into him and was ready to cuss him out but by the time he called back I wasn't mad anymore so I just said never mind....

I cannot stress the importance of early detection. Get your check ups, make sure if you are not feeling well you need to go see a doctor and don't let up until that little voice in your head says your o.k. Now this is not to be confused with the other little voices....hahahaha....

My friend Annitra is doing a 5K run for cancer research this weekend in Wilmington, NC in honor of me:) I miss her terribly and her husband will return from Iraq this month after a 1 year tour and she still found time to think about me.....just like my friend Dena making my youngest son her special blueberry bread simply because he asked or my friends taking me to lunch today to make me laugh, or my Soror Lynne coming to help out next week and of course my mom coming for however long I need her, or Kevin's sister coming for a week to also help out, or the many mom's praying for me and ....just thinking about me is overwhelming and I will stop here to simply say, thank you for being a part of my life and SAVING MY LIFE....

Could not have said it better myself

2009-03-11T10:21:00.000-07:00

So I went to my surgeon on Monday and he told me to get some rest....hahahaha....I told him, no YOU get some rest, eat a good breakfast, exercise to release some endorphins and raise your serotonin levels....do not have an argument with your wife Tuesday morning and no road rage on your way to work. You see doctors tell us what to do all the time. We need to start telling them what to do......

Today I received an email from one of my sorority sisters (Sheila)....she was the President of my college chapter and my Nemesis:) We became sorors in 1987 and I love her dearly. Here it goes.....
This is not about me. (you may not think so, but keep reading)
This is about you.
I miss talking to you.
The texting and talking in between all the activities of our busy life.
But (yes here is the but).
I'm frustrated because of EVERYTHING.
I'm sad because I can't fix it.
I'm confused as to why.
I'm speechless, (yea me), because I don't know what to say or how to say it.
I'm in need of comfort but I don't know how to make it better.
I don't know how to enter a *(#)(*% blog on OUR website. (computer illiterate)
What I do know is
That I have FAITH in GOD, I TRUST GOD, I LOVE GOD and I LOVE YOU.
I do know that trials and tribulations come and grow and go and with the prayer chain you have, ALL of the HUNLEYS will be better than okay.
I know from my own different experiences and from what I've learned that this period in your life is a "cleansing" stop on the Interstate to GOD'S beautiful blessings.
I know GOD tests us to make us stronger, to see if we run from him instead of to him.
I know you and all the crew are running towards him full speed ahead.
I don't know how you feel but I've been reading the blog to stay connected to you and to learn and to understand.
I've told you this before and I'll repeat it again "I ADMIRE YOUR STRENGTH".
You have armed yourself with plenty of knowledgeable information to tackle all problems.
I do pray for you and I have prayed for the spouse and my children and your parents, in-laws, (e'ry body).
I have learned thru my pastor not just to pray for the situation you are going thru at the present but to pray for VICTORY in Jesus' name.
To specifically pray for the result we all want to see. . . .. full recovery and yes. . . . . . . P P B (pretty perky boobs)!
Until the next time. . . . . smooches sistah Kimmie . . ..

and this my friends is SAVING MY LIFE....

Today I am having an issue with....

2009-03-10T12:07:00.000-07:00

Trust. I think I need to stop eating late at night (my coping tool right now, don't tell me this bad my fat ass already knows)because I have weird dreams and they are affecting my psyche during the day if I can remember the dream. For instance, last night my hubby and I had big bowls of vanilla ice cream(sugar free) and loads of caramel(not sugar free). What I can remember about my dream was that I was being carried into the operating room riding a camel wearing only some bright yellow rubber ducky boots! If there are any dream interpreters out there please share what this means:) This could be some freaky interpretation of fear or it could mean put the spoon down before 7pm.....

Trust, like faith is an incredible thing to posses. I should have trusted my hubby to tell me to put the spoon and bowl down but he finished what I didn't eat, so I hope I can trust him to help me take off old and new pounds after my surgery:) I trust a good pair of leather shoes, but can I trust my surgeons? I trust any book written by Cornell West to give it to me straight and tell me what I need to be doing to make my community a better place but can I trust the anesthesiologist to get the right dose of medicine correct? I know better than to completely trust any politician but can I trust the nurses to empty my fluid tubes and change my dressings? Ugghh....am I paranoid? Probably, but it's where I am right now. Trust is an issue for me.....

Some people have asked me where did I get the name for my blog. One friend stated it was "bold." Hmmm, not sure about bold but here's where it comes from: After my merry go round of mammograms and doctor appointments with my boobs exposed, my final meeting with my breast surgeon as well as the plastic surgeon both came up with similar results as to why a mastectomy, single or plural was the very last resort....to save the breast for pleasure reasons. WHAT??? are they kidding me? Is that the only reason? Did you pay a bunch of money in medical school to be able to spew that s**t to women? My breasts were used to feed my children for a total of 24 months between all three....hence the sagging.....and as far as I am concerned they have fulfilled their mission. I was attached to my 21 years old boobs....not these 42 year old puppies.

If the goal was to preserve them for pleasure reasons then should I have been asked where my pleasure is derived from? Here we go with trust again. I trust the doctors to be straight with me and ask me pertinent questions. I am not paying them to think for me. So, I simply stated, thus the title of my blog......Damn the Breast, SAVE MY LIFE.....

Humility....

2009-03-09T19:58:00.000-07:00

After almost missing my conference call with my writer's group due to daylight savings time, which AZ does not recognize, my day was good........ informative, bizarre, sad, enlightening, and fulfilling, but above all else humbling. My hubby and I trekked to the other side of town to Scottsdale Healthcare to the Virginia Piper Cancer center. Had it not been for the "cancer" part you would have thought it was a resort. Lush grounds, greeters at the door, friendly service....no foul odors..... We went because my surgeons told me it was a place that I could receive a "special" gift from a store called Tina's Treasures and they would be able to help me with choosing an appropriate bra and other undergarments. What I got was so much more.

I was immediately greeted by Mee (don't want to use names unless I have permission) and she was delightful. She took the card my doctor sent me with and asked a volunteer to get my "special gift." She then asked for my insurance card and driver's license. Being the New Yorker that I am, I asked why. She said, "oh whatever you get we will make sure the insurance company pays for it." I thought, hot diggity, I won't have to spend my light bill money on some falsies!

The volunteer emerged with this large tote bag filled with all kinds of items....2 pillows for each arm sewed by volunteers, a journal, water bottle, sunscreen, smaller tote bag, a recovery pin, and the best of all....a certificate for a massage!! Before I could take all of that in another very delightful woman, Cee came to get me and took me to a back room. Hubby sat and waited patiently with the PING reading materials we received from Sarah and James;)

Cee introduced me to the director of the store Bee where we chatted about what brought me there. Before I knew it Bee told me she was a 3 year survivor and had pulled her top and bra off for me to see "her work done." Now I normally don't touch a friends boobs until at least the 3rd meeting and probably would have said...."b***h put your shirt down!" but before you knew it I was holding her breasts and feeling the silicone! It would make for a great scene in a movie, just make sure Halle Berry plays me o.k.?......I surprise myself sometimes. It turns out Bee and I have more in common that we both bargained for that day...her surgical team will be my surgical team, so I got a birdseye view....literally of what "their finished work" looks like. She comforted me and reassured me that they were the best and would take care of me. It also turns out her husband works for a local college and may be in need of some instructors. Some fake boobs and a job prospect, who could ask for any more?

Then Cee told me she had numerous lumpectomies and could not bring herself to remove her entire breasts but she admired women who did. She made me sad. We didn't go into why she would not have her breasts removed she just looked like she didn't want to talk about it, so I know when to back off. Then another lady came in for some paperwork and she too was a survivor.

Every woman that worked their had their own story of loss and triumph and for the first time I felt like I was not alone. I have been feeling a little on the outside lately....needing help, asking for favors, making sure things are just "right" when my mom comes....not that she cares, and even though I have Kelly and Diane to turn to I still felt (feel) like nobody knows how defeated I really feel....I guess you will after reading this....

So I received a bra, camisole, and some falsies, all paid for by my insurance company. I asked Mee how does the insurance pay for it all and she said "we make sure they do." and winked. Ahh...a woman after my own heart, persuasion and threats! I was given an invitation to come back and be fitted for the silicone falsies after my surgery and was on my way.

We then headed to my surgeon's office where he went over the procedure, told me how my incision would be, told me to lean on friends and volunteers and not to vacuum. I thought he knew me better 'cause on a good day I don't vacuum! He even remembered that my hubby was out of work and asked how he was doing.....nobody ever asks how the spouse is doing they just assume he is a basket case, disconnected or clueless or all three sometimes at the same time.

Before I left Bee said something very profound to me. She said I have an "obligation" to tell others my story. WOW....an obligation? She said especially if I am teaching college age students, young or old, I need to tell them. People in my life, strangers, friends of friends.....now I will tell my students after the semester is over....my group can be easily distracted, and I never want my condition to give me excuses so I expect the same from them.

I read once that a humble heart is a sure fire sign that we acknowledge that GOD is the source of everything we are exposed to. Humility is about patience and discovery for me.....and this too will SAVE MY LIFE......

Love can heal....

2009-03-08T15:57:00.000-07:00

Well, I love my cousin so therefore I can forgive her....don't get it twisted, I'm still mad as hell, and will kick her ass (literally) when I see her next, it won't take much she's a skinny little thang....I'm just ready to forgive. I have to. If I am preparing my body for surgery and praying for my healing to occur in the least painful way possible, then that includes my heart. 1 John 4:8 teaches me GOD is love, so the implication is that WE must love....

I have done some excellent reading lately. Dr. Susan Love's Breast Book is straightforward, and reassuring. Not that my bible isn't, it's just this book was enlightening. I felt like she was talking directly to me. Thank you Kelly for telling me to get it:)If you know of anyone going through this ~ get them this book!!

I talked to some really good friends this weekend ~ Diane who called to just check on me....Lysette who made me laugh about her new obsession with Judge Hatchett:).....Donna who called me between running the kids and dinner.....and Lil who's mother in law went through this and gave me valuable information which she called unsolicited advice:) She told me to make it a priority to take prune juice due to the amount of gas in my tummy after surgery. Now that's information a doctor won't tell you!!! What a support community I have!! I am slowly realizing how important it is to let go of the small things like dishes, laundry, cleaning....they don't matter in the grand scheme of things. I am glad my desk is moved to my bedroom, 'cause the laundry and cleaning will drive me crazy if not done....I'm learning.....slowly.

So I am in school as well as working and taking care of a household....my advisor suggested that I take a medical leave from school...hahaha....he's a fool. Seriously, that's the only thing I am in control of and he wants to take it away. I feel like as long as I am able why not? It's not about pushing myself, it's about being productive. Yes I will rest, yes I will take it easy, yes I will allow my support community to do for me but I can't just be inactive. I can be active when I'm dead I say....don't take the one thing that I am and can do. I told him to take a mental health leave 'cause he was crazy.....anywho....

I went to church yesterday and my pastor talked about the simplicity of prayer. How prayer does not have to be this long soliloquy of ramblings. Be specific. GOD knows what's in your heart and soul but is he a mind reader? Probably, but we still need to be specific in prayer. So my prayer today is for total healing, that my surgeons hands are steady and that they use clean instruments (he said specific) and to take ALL the gauze out......SAVING MY LIFE.....

Secrets....

2009-03-06T06:41:00.000-08:00

So much has happened in the last 24 hours I can't see straight. I can't even write this morning. My twin cousin sister (yes it says exactly what I mean) has taken over for me. I will blog another time but for now here is a message from Paula:

March 6, 2009

When ignorance isn’t bliss

I hate family secrets! I truly, truly do. I realize that people make the best decisions that they can in the midst of circumstances (and I am no exception). I also know, from experience, that sometimes the secrets you find out are ones you wish you didn’t know. But sometimes, some times what you don’t know CAN hurt you. Here’s an example. One cousin in the family is diagnosed with a condition that leads to a double mastectomy. Meanwhile, another cousin was diagnosed and treated for the same condition, but said nothing to the first cousin about it. Now, I understand that some people prefer to keep their illnesses, medical conditions, and diagnoses private. I do not understand why, however, when it comes to breast issues particularly breast cancer (at any step, stage or phase), people are suddenly so closemouthed. I mean really. Some folks tell you about all the mediocre happenings in their lives, or worse yet, offer fake affection or interest in your life, but then when he or she has information that could potentially benefit you (i.e. medical information that might help save your life), you can’t pry their lips apart with a crowbar! Wtf? Yes, I said it. WTF?! For those of you who do not know what this means, ask.
There is a back story to the example I mentioned. Like the fact that the two cousins are not on friendly/speaking terms due to miscommunication regarding the planning of a family reunion. Emotions ran high, words (and emails and cross conversations) were exchanged, feelings were hurt, division ensued, and now, when it counts the most, this pathetic, non-communicative bullshit causes one cousin to go through a lumpectomy without the prayers and support of her extended family, and the other cousin, Kim, to face the loss of both breasts, with the prayers and support of her original, immediate, and extended family and friends. I put it to you the readers. Who is better off? Kim or my other cousin? What if my other cousin had shared, even casually, that she was having breast issues? What if Kim had gotten her mammogram six months earlier? I have had mammograms since the age of 32 because I noticed that something wasn’t right. Last fall, my doctors did additional tests after my mammogram because they “thought they saw something”. Look, ten years later, I still have tests done because I know that it could only be a matter of time before I am the one in Kim’s position, or my other cousin’s position (not that I would have known she ever faced such a dilemma except for a conversation between two other people). I tell you, all this round robin communication gets on my nerves. I am so sick of people talking all AROUND but never TO the people that they know they should be talking to directly. Again I ask wtf is wrong with this picture??
Personally, I don’t give a damn about the past. Yes, the past shapes and defines you, but it does not determine your final outcome. If we, as a family, are to survive through thick and thin, sickness and health, good times and bad times, then people need to start speaking up and talking about what is happening in their lives. WE ARE FAMILY! We may not like each other at times. We may get on each other’s last nerve. We may find out more than we ever bargained for or wanted to know, but WE ARE FAMILY. It should be enough to SAVE SOMEONE'S LIFE.....

Wisdom.....

2009-03-05T09:42:00.000-08:00

Okay, yesterday started off good, then went downhill......as promptly the stroke of 11am my BET cable station did not work. Calling the pin heads at the cable company doesn't work it only stresses me more....so I continue on my day, pick up my kids and what happens? My battery that I knew would die, died....okay, I get a new battery, they can't put it in, so I get the battery and try to go home....car won't start due to battery. I wait to get a jump and yup, my hubby who fixes everything, put my new battery in:) A man with a wrench is very sexy in case you don't know.......

I called the cable company today as my BET channel remains obstinate, yet letting another day go by where I can't find out who's the baby daddy, and this time I got smart. I figured since I took control of my health I can take control of my cable problem. So I called not wanting another "refresh signal", they can take that signal and shove it where the sun doesn't ever want to shine.....but I want a human being to come and fix my damn cable!! Will report tomorrow what they find.....I am beginning to think this this thing we call life is a conspiracy and when I find out who is behind it, I'm gonna kick their ass....My friend Sarah gave me an alternate outlet for my obsession with other people's problems...fmylife.com....when you think your having a bad day, there is always somebody doing worse....

Okay so ask me. Ask me what, ask me....anything. One of the things that froots my loops is when people ask other people about you. If you want to know about me, ask me! This morning as I was dropping my little darlings off at school and I was speaking to some mom's in the parking lot. I walked away to greet another friend for the morning and one mom who I don't know very well asked a friend of mine what was going on with me. She "heard" I was having surgery and wanted to know how me and my family were doing. Sounds innocent, but I was just talking to her less than 2 minutes prior....ask me about me. This is how rumors and the gossip mill starts. It's ridiculous to me that grown ass women act like children....where do we learn this behavior? Can we presume we are raised by wolves then handed over to our parents....it's either a ridiculous concept to believe that people do not have to talk behind your back or I'm overly sensitive right now....I do know the difference....So screw the people who can't ask me about me....but stop asking....I will never apologize for who I am and what I believe....ok I digress....I told you about my exchanges with "Christians" lately so maybe I am overly sensitive....

I did receive some major blessings yesterday, my friend Dena had her cleaning service call me to see what my needs would be before and after my surgery....the lady that called even let me know she and her partner were praying with me and for me....My children's teachers will do homework afterschool with my children Monday - Thursday so that when they come home, it's all about mommie:) My friend Yolande is organizing a dinner schedule....she and other mom's do not know how hard it is for me to ask for help and even appear to need help, but I have learned to shut my mouth and stop blocking my blessings......especially with Yolande because she never shuts up;) Amazing women surround me....

I read Marcus Buckingham all the time and if you don't know who he is I highly recommend ANY of his books. One of my school friends brought him up yesterday and hit a spot with me. I have the arrogance and audacity to believe I am going to be o.k. and emerge even stronger, self-confident and healthier.....might even bring sexy back:):) hahaha.....

I know this because I have wisdom. I read Proverbs 4:5-6 today where it tells us biblically to get wisdom and understanding.....

Wisdom allows me to see my life from the perspective of GOD but also intelligently make decisions that are best for me. Not everyone will agree with you all of the time. Not everyone will give you their total support ALL of the time....you would be looking at cult like behavior at this point, but people can understand you....I have gained wisdom that has allowed me to look at my situation with clarity and understanding.

No matter what I may be going through GOD's gift of wisdom is guiding my hand (sometimes off of the throat of another person) and SAVING MY LIFE.....

Spouses need support too....

2009-03-04T08:46:00.000-08:00

Last night my hubby and I had a heart to heart. He expressed his fears and wondered for a moment...why MY wife? I reassured him that in this journey of life sometimes you are chosen to receive things that you don't want so it's just tag your it!!

We went through some scripture, specifically, Exodus 14:14 where it states, "The LORD himself will fight for you; you have only to keep still." And we are creatures of habit. We don't want to be still. We want to fight, work, do what we can. Being still is not an option.

What I realized about my hubby at that moment was that for our entire relationship he has always "fixed" things. He is a contractor and has a natural flair for creating and building but he "fixes" everything. The toilet, when our sons put cars in there to "see" how they would float....the garbage disposal, when my mom put potato peels in it (numerous times...she's not convinced that it clogs up because of that), my daughters boo boo when it's really only a scrape or new light fixtures to enhance the outside of our home.

This he cannot fix. He must rely on other men to fix it for him...what a blow. Not really to his ego, he doesn't have one, but just the reliance on someone else to make sure your family is safe is frightening. Again...it's the ebb and flow of life....sometimes we must give up that control and this is from a control freak.....hahahaha....I crack me up!!! So if you see him, give him a hug and reassure him that GOD is in control....

So today is turning out to be a good day....I am cooking a fabulous dinner for my family (just some chicken in the crock pot....hahaha) and have vowed to focus my energy on my family and friends in these few days before my surgery because when I come home I am not sure how much talking I will want to do....just going to let my body guide me. I am continuing to eliminate evil people from my life....one jackass at a time....and this will SAVE MY LIFE.....

The countdown begins...

2009-03-03T17:18:00.000-08:00

Today I was mad again. This time my target was Cox Communications. You see I have diverted my energy everyday from 11-1 to watching Judge Hatchett on BET. My sister friend Quiana has told me that my recent obsession with this show is abnormal and borders on delusional, but I have found great comfort in looking at other people's problems....it takes my mind (even for a short time) off of my own......

How ironic is it that all of my other channels worked except for BET? And at the time I needed to watch Judge Hatchett? So I did what any red blooded American would do....I called the cable company. After listening to rotten elevator music, and being transferred to a very nice lady....I was told there was nothing they could do for 1 channel. Now I have already expressed my need to control things so I was not taking that for an answer. I suggested that she add up all of the channels that I receive and divide them by the 2 hours or 120 minutes of entertainment that I was missing and that would suffice for me. After much debate and being put on hold 2 more times we settled on 5.00. Small price to concede to after not being able to watch other people deal with their issues in open court.....

I continue my journey with faith in reading Galatians 3:23-29 today. A friend of mine asked how do I choose the scripture I will read for the day and I told him that I open my bible and where it lands is where I read, or sometimes my dad, a theological history major gives me one to read....

What I read in these verses was how faith sets you free and unites us. I have a friend (EC) from school who offered to do something nice for my family....he is so kind....and I realized it is faith that connects us. He reminded me that I have friends and prayer so I take this to mean don't get bogged down with hectic schedules or global concerns, it will only cloud the pathway to victory!!

So tomorrow, I will watch Judge Hatchett and slip into total oblivion all the while keeping the faith, because this is what will SAVE MY LIFE....

March 2, 2009

2009-03-02T18:13:00.000-08:00

Today was busy...making lists, checking them twice....and I already know who's naughty and nice. People continue to get in my space and reduce my positive energy and today I refuse for that to happen. Today I reject anything resembling Satan and his merry band of idiots.....I had a great talk with some friends this weekend, Annitra, Diane and Deb and they made me laugh and promise to not keep my head above water but stand on top of the waterfall! I take heed and move forward....

Continuing my preparation.....Last night my hubby and I told the kids...here was the reaction ~ my oldest said since we are part Irish and my operation was on St. Patty's Day I would have the luck of the Irish on my side, my youngest son wanted to know how many days I would be boobless and to "stuff" my bra, nobody will know and my daughter...AKA mini/me wanted to know if she could take my old "tities" for show and tell. Do you see why I need to have this surgery? My kids are bright, funny, loving and some days difficult...but they are the reason I draw breathe. When I was younger my mom would tell me, "I hope you have 10 just like you" Well I have at least 2 just like me and would not trade them for the world:)

I was watching CNN today and a commentator was explaining the healthcare portion of the stimulus bill....I'm not going to get political, just hear me out. According to this woman, if you were released from your employment from Sept 1, 2008 to December 31, 2009 and had to go on a COBRA plan, the government will subsidize 65% of your premium.

Well hot damn I say, here comes my bailout!! And if this is true I say poo poo to all that don't agree....ya see our COBRA premium is a mortgage payment. To a family of 5 with only 1 person employed this is reason to celebrate. To all that believe this is welfare....I agree....I'm just not too proud to beg....Ya see I did not grow up on subsidies (although my Aunt Gracie would always find a block of gov't cheese to give us) but I won't knock people who did. If you are trying to do the best you can with what you have but need a little help, I say not only will I take it and run, I will do so with my head held high because I know my ancestors built this country on their backs and I've been paying taxes since I was 14 (first job in church rectory for 14.07 a week) so I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and it's not the train trying to run me over....I also know that this place we are in is temporary. My husband will find work, I will be well and life will return to "normal" as we know it.

It's the ebb and flow of life....we will not stay stuck here for too long, a change is gonna come soon....I feel it. Call it a spiritual awakening I just feel it....

So I am strengthened by the power of faith....I will use it in my daily walk, my daily prayer, my yoga session (even if I can't cross my legs and arms the way they do on the tape) and eventually GOD will reveal his plan for me.....so in the mean time faith is the essential ingredient that will SAVE MY LIFE......

March 1, 2009

2009-03-01T13:11:00.000-08:00

Today I am still mad....today my anger is toward the pimps we call insurance companies. I actually have been mad at them for sometime now, I am just getting around to expressing it.

My husband is without work, so we go on COBRA...(code name for pimp supplant).
The premium (codename for pimp reward) is a hefty amount each month but we pay it because we actually have no choice. You see my surgeons don't take the state offered insurance so no reason to drop COBRA and risk losing the best care possible....so I continue to be pimped.
The hospital has charged me a copay (codename for pimp receiver) which is an outrageous amount and you guessed it, we will pay because we have no other choice.

I am busting my hump to work and I thought FICA (codename for pimp master) was my only pimp....apparently not. You can be pimped by just about any industry known to man and it's perfectly legal in this country. Where's the justice?

I'm off that soapbox and today....I am preparing for my surgery in 16 days. How you say? I am going to eliminate caffeine and sugar from my diet. Drink lots of water and walk to expand my lungs. Ya see, anesthesia is not kind to my body and these things will lessen my reaction to them. It's not medical advice for everyone, just me.

I read the Book of Ruth today...hahaha....yup the whole book, about 4 pages:) And I learned that the loyalty and bond the women had in this chapter creates the authentic blessings we all experience in life. We have a special bond with women even if they are a size 6, long, shiny, flowing hair, and skin like silk. We say we hate them but we share a bond that is unmatched, even the male bond. Our bodies can do things men are incapable of doing and for that our bond is forever sealed. So to all of the women in my life, even the ignorant woman I wrote about yesterday ~ I say thank you. Particularly today to my sister friend Gina L. who taught me yoga in San Diego ~ I say thank you. Yoga has saved me from choking the s**t out of particular individuals recently and I have learned to uncross my legs with minimal discomfort:)

Prayer, Yoga and authentic female family, friends and strangers is turning out to be a part of what will SAVE MY LIFE.....

February 28, 2009

2009-02-28T15:28:00.000-08:00

Okay....17 days to go and my nightmare will be over. Today I am mad at cancer and Christians....yea yea I know what some of you will say....it's blasphemy! Well hold on to your britches before you begin to judge me, I might just be talking about your ass.

Now I am not talking about ALL Christians, just the inauthentic ones. You know them, they sit right next to you at church or live across the street from you. For example: A few weeks ago my neighbor was car jacked. The perpetrators were caught and at their preliminary hearing all of these people were coming out if the woodwork about how GOD fearing they were....yea, really? These young men not only pistol whipped the husband, they stole the car containing the specially made wheelchair and car seat for their mentally retarded daughter. Christians? Just not that day I suppose.

Christians in the last 2 days have questioned my decision to have this operation. One ignorant woman went so far as to ask, "isn't that elective surgery?" I simply stated, "Did you elect to be stupid?" I hope she never talks to me again, I have let people go before and will not hesitate to put you on the list for a comment like that. Some people reading this know who she is....I hope you pass this to her.

I am mad at cancer because it is not allowing me to fight my battles with fervor and tenacity. I am mad at cancer because my plan and purpose have been halted. I am mad at cancer period.....but through all of this I am faithful in the exercises of HIS judgement and not man's because GOD has a way of leveling the playing field for all of us.

You see, when the Pharoah attempted to trap and destroy the Israelites against the mighty Red Sea, his evil couldn't because the justice of GOD took over. In Daniel 13:1-63 Susanna would have died at the hands of two angry and hate filled men, but it was the justice of GOD that prevailed. In Job 42:10-17 he would have been forgotten had it not been for GOD's justice.
Here is what I know today....GOD's justice is activated like a fierce volcano for us because he genuinly loves us and wants our image to be in his likeness....now I fall short of this everyday. Some days I fall so short I roll down the hill and bump my head, keep rolling and keep bumping. I didn't mean to preach here I just was led to it....THE DEVIL IS A LIAR....

But in this journey I call life, some days I will feel threatened, looking at life and all it's possibilities as unfair, like today....but my faith is never halted. My faith is seeing me through. My faith allows me to experience the justice of GOD and this will SAVE MY LIFE.....

February 26, 2009

2009-02-26T12:01:00.000-08:00

I logged in today wanting to talk about those damn insurance companies, but I will save that for another day.
I created this blog with the intention of giving information I have learned and pass it on. I am not a medical doctor and will NEVER give medical advice. It's a resource, albeit public, to deal with my challenges. What I am finding out is that the rewards that I gain will help me along this journey and manifest itself through healing.....I am overwhelmed by the response I have received in creating this blog.
My support community consists of doctors, lawyers, professors, educators, students, TV personalities (yea, I know people:) stay-at-home moms....family, friends, and strangers. The women I have connected with who have been down this road are my strength and source of inspiration.
One of the things I am learning is that my needs and feelings are changing. My mood is high, my resilience is even higher, but......I must be aware to reach out for support....I cannot expect people to know what I need.....my support community is good, but not that good!! I must remain focused and keep my energy in line and keep unhealthy distractions to a minimum.
I have had to let some people into my world and let some people go.....realizing that cancer affects everyone who cares or ever cared about you is a humbling experience....but it is with divine order that this will ultimately SAVE MY LIFE.....

I know that every person has their own way of dealing with this condition, and here is where I find my peace.....in the eye of the hurricane.....

February 25, 2009 continued...

2009-02-25T21:09:00.000-08:00

So my surgeon was tall, personable, not bad to look at (which is a good trait when you are touching my breast) and incredibly warm hearted. He spoke softly and succinctly, never using terms I needed a medical dictionary for and even showed me through a magnifying lens what he would be taking out. He did not wear a lab coat, which I noticed right away and he didn't have on those funny clogs that look like he was going to garden instead of perform surgery. By all accounts he was okeedokee by me.

The surgery was scheduled for January 15th and I was a nervous wreck until then. You see, prior this trip I have always been calm, cool and collected. I have a definitive yet free flowing set of thoughts and I am not afraid to tell people what I think because I think my opinion counts.
Well this time I was not in control so I found things that I could control. My schoolwork, (I am a Doctoral student for those who don't know)my household (children and husband included) and anything else that got in my path. I controlled it because on January 15th I would go to sleep, let this man, on that day, cut me open and hope he doesn't leave a sponge inside of me.

So the surgery, by all accounts was a success, I woke up with bandages and had the overwhelming urge to vomit. But I felt like it's time to take control again. I am not going to throw up in front of these nurses so that they can clean it up and talk about me when I left. Nope not me. I would just lay there till my mother got me dressed with that knot in safely in my throat. I didn't want to throw up in the car because it was my car....so I just held it.

I got home, slept a little and then my mom fed me lasagna and yup you guessed it....I spewed pasta and marinara right into a bucket that I prayed my husband did not need for something important. After about 2 rounds of this I was done. My mom...bless her heart....did not read where I could only have clear liquids for 24-48 hours...okay lesson learned. Ya see my need for control comes from her whether she admits it or not. She has old school ways and she comes from "the baby didn't eat so the baby need to be fed school". We won't be doing that again will we mom:)

After a few days I was up and about, received meals, flowers, cards and well wishes from friends and family. My follow up appointment was good, my margins were clear....a term used to signify that all of the yucky cells didn't have roots.....there was just one slight problem....The tissue they removed was not atypical hyperplasia, it was carcinoma in situ. In short this means cancer within the duct...I think it's Latin or something. Again I hear the Charlie Brown adults but I was healing well and a healthy dose of radiation was suggested as a preventative measure.

So I trot on over to the radiation oncologist and as nice as he was, tells me the procedure that I am a candidate for. Now this is important because many women do not necessarily know about the Brachy Therapy. Some are not candidates others are not offered I guess...but I'm here to tell ya, this method (in a different form of course) has been used on men for about 20+ years for prostate cancer and only on women for 5 or so. Go figure.... save the weenie at all costs....

This doctor sends me for a new mammogram and after about a week I get a phone call that I need to go back to my surgeon because the results are not favorable. What?? I thought they got it all? I thought my margins were clear? Now I was pissed. I wanted to cuss my surgeon out...all the nurses because I thought they should have had a sistah's back...and I was convinced I would be on CNN choking the hell out of him.

So I continue with my trot to my scheduled appointment and he stated the latest films were blurred and mumbled something about no diseased tissue seen and then I said okay doc, here's what were gonna do....send me to a different place for a digital mammo and we will talk afterwards.

The digital mammo was great....the machine is named the Lorad and I was able to see my throat it was so clear and have my reading immediately with the radiologist. Nope, no waiting and nervous as hell till the results come in. Great machine, I highly recommend you tell your radiologist to dispose of the antiquated machines and get this one....and when the next man invents a new one get that one too. You guys do know a man invented this right....no woman in her right or wrong mind would ever had conjured that machine up....

Okay, so after all of this I am at the point where I am now....not only did I have 1 lesion which the original radiologist saw, I have 2-3 significant lesions, and about 3-4 smaller ones. My options were discussed with me....1. To do nothing and "monitor" the lesions. I don't want my breasts to be "monitored" the government does enough of that...2. Have another lumpectomy and hope that after removing all of this tissue I will have no recurrences and "hope" I don't look deformed or 3. Retire these babies that are saggin', laggin', draggin' and baggin' and get a perky saline replacement which will SAVE MY LIFE.....

February 25, 2009

2009-02-25T20:47:00.000-08:00

I have officially entered the blogosphere world!! I am a blogginator, bloggologist, and bloggodoctor....hahahaha....

Now on to the reason I am here:) The prompt for this public display of my inner self was the fact that on March 17, 2009 if all goes well with the pre-op processes I will undergo a double mastectomy.

How did I get to this place? For those that don't know here it goes:

On October 24, 2008 I walked into the radiologists office to have my yearly exam. This was my 8th mammogram and I had no trepidation that this would be like the other 7 diagnoses "some calcifications, no evidence of abnormal cells"...yea yea heard ot before expected to hear it again.

Well this day was different, I just would not find out until a week when I was called to do an ultrasound. At that appointment on November 5th, the radiologist stated she saw some abnormal cells and would like to biopsy the area. She might as well have been a grown up from the Charlie Brown cartoons because after abnormal I heard whomp, whomp, whomp, whomp, whomp....

I had a biopsy on my right breast on November 23rd and received the results November 24th. There goes the Charlie Brown voice again because I had to have my cousin doctor Carol (yes I said cousin doctor) call the radiologist to confirm that I heard I have atypical hyperplasia and she was recommending a lumpectomy.

Thanksgiving was spent with some dear friends, a lot of food and rest....

On December 8th I met with my surgeon-to-be and I was still not believing this was happening. My breasts? Cutting them open? These breasts have served me well how could they just slice one them? Wasn't there a laser that could just zap those ugly cells without the anesthesia and exposing myself to strangers? I guess not because that was not an option I was given.